Musing on Friendships--(sort of long)

Laura,

   Friends can be such a confusing word at times because as close as we may seem to some people when lives change they are no longer there yet the true friend will be there. I am in my early 40's since surgery I have lost what I thought was my "best" friend she was not supportive and suddenly I was not the fat sidekick friend.

From childhood I have one friend her and I are still close to a degree and know I can call her day or night she will be there for me no matter what happens in our lives. I do think if we met today we would not be friends but the bond was made when we were children and we are stuck with each other. Good and bad.

Now since surgery I never knew this late in life I could meet such great close friends. I have a circle of friends I met through the support group at Barix and other support groups plus here on the OH board. My last few holidays have been with my "new" chosen family. I took the chance reached out others have slowly become friends through other friends. It took time but people are here for you if you want to make friends. As loud and talkative as I can be when I meet new people I can be quiet and shy. It is once I get to know someone and feel at ease that I relax to be me. Old insecurities still live inside me.

 Hi Laura,

Life is not easy,... for anyone. It seems to be more challenging when there are issues in your life, and who doesn't have those? 
Making a friend should be easy. It shouldn't take some grand effort, otherwise who would bother?
Keeping a friend should be easy too, but time tells you what kind of friends you really are. The best of friends can be people who are alike or who seem drastically different. There is no rhyme or reason. You may usually get each other. You may usually agree, but when you disagree you can still come away respectful of each other or later, even joke about "your argument". Sometimes you know immediately that you have a friend. "Friend at first sight." Or it may take years to finally realize that you are friends. Old friends are quality friends. They've passed the test ot time. Near or far, communicating everyday, every week, every year or less.

Friendship can't be forced. Those aren't really frienships. There shouldn't be a leader and a follower in friendships. You both should be equals.

Some friendships may not last. They might have come to exist for a season or a reason. They still had value, just not for the longest of times, but they still were needed in our lives.

Laura you have friends. You have those that want to be your friends. You have those that will be your friend in the future. No one is too geeky, too weird,  too shy or not attractive enough to have friends. All of us have one or more of those traits BUT we are ALL beautiful. Inside AND out.

So keep your eyes, mind and heart open for those opportunities.

Your friend,

Dennis 

Laura;
I'm right there with you.  I've never had a lot of friends, mostly because when we moved to NJ from Philly the kids all told me I was ugly and fat.  I really was not fat, when I look back I was a scrawny little short kid, with red hair and freckles.  I dressed differently from the Jersey kids, coming from Philly there was a definate style difference.  By high school there were things that happed in my life, but that is for another post or a PM, and I was part of a group of girls that were unpopular.  The boys all told me daily how ugly I was and how fat I was, in high school I was a puny 5 ft tall and soaking wet weighed maybe 105 pounds.  So I was extremely shy and withdrawn. 

After high school I had the same group of friends who got into a lot of drinking and partying.  Drinking always made me sick but I'd try to do it just to be a part of the crowd.  When I realized that was not who I was and stopped, I lost some friends.  Then met my ex-husband and stayed in a 20 year relationship of domestic violence.  I could not have friends, or talk to my family, so all the rest disapeared from my life. 

I also learned some very hard and hurtful lessons from those that I thought were my friends, friends hurt you, and have no regard for others feelings, at least all mine did.  I learned not to trust.  It took me a long time to trust Gene.  He is the only person in my life that I trust and he is my best friend ever.

Today, I find that most people really don't want to hang out with Gene and I becasue we do not drink.  We don't have it in our house therefore people never want to come to our home so most of our home activities or parties are family oriented.  Again most of our immediate family is not fond of coming to the house because we do not have booze in the house.  This is our lifestyle therefore I feel that if a person were a true friend they would respect those wishes.  But it seems that for a lot of people that is the line in the sand that they want to draw.

I do have acquaintences at work who I will confide in and have great conversations with.  Do we get together outside of work, yes on occasion.  Do I enjoy the time I spend with them, yes.

I have one very intimate friend which is my husband.

Ida

This just came today. Thought it was appropriate.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."
~ Elisabeth Foley