I have really been here this week

"I have spent a lot of time cultivating
perfectionism in the vain attempt to
make up for being a "failure" -- or what
I have now come to understand is
compulsive eating and an illness. I was
trying to make up with efficiency for
that feeling of not being good enough ~
and that feeling seems to be a hallmark
of our illness."

I have been wondering about this idea of perfectionism for about a week now.  And I was feeling disheartened when on Friday night I pulled out an old journal and saw that I was struggling with these same feelings of inadequacy right before my surgery back in 2007!  But if, indeed, that "feeling of not being good enough" is a hallmark of my illness, then it is something I really have no control over and I can give it to my Higher Power, finally, so that He can deal with it at last. 

It is a human being's desire to be godlike, for that is perfection, thinking that our Higher Power cannot have us unless we are, when, in fact, this Universal Spirit loves us as we exist right here and now, if you want to understand unconditional love, you can experience it in the eyes of a young child or a dog, we unfortunately are human beings and have become flawed as we experienced our lives from it's beginning until now, as a result the recovery process is just that, a process and not an event, that brings us to alignment with our imperfections. . .  I'm still seeking it, but with knowledge that it is not really what matters and slowly over time, I have moments where I'm really ok with where I am right now. . . 

"Not good enough"

Boy do THOSE words ring true for me. I've been dealing with it for my entire life.

I heard something at my OA meeting last night that has become my latest mantra:

I have enough.  I am enough.