Post Meeting Thoughts - several
For a while there, I really NEEDED AA. I guess I still do, although not as much as in the early days of sobriety. And I do enjoy OA. And I really do love the 12-step way of life. But, I swear, nobody gets what I am going through the way you people do. I mean, how could they possibly? I went to the afternoon OA meeting, and was really glad I did. Even though it is not a "diet and calories club" there is an awful lot of talk about weight, and I find myself having a visceral reaction to those kinds of shares.
My lowest adult weight was 114, and my highest was 320. I've been everywhere in between. The time I loved myself the most was when I weighed 320. That was when I loved myself enough to give myself the gift of gastric bypass surgery. I just went back and read my OH profile writings and amazed myself. I didn't get the surgery out of desperation or self-hatred! I honestly had this surgery from a place of recovery and self-respect. So what the hell happened??? I NEVER want my self-esteem, worth and value to depend on the number on the scale or on my clothing label. Why now do I feel "less than"? And why am I struggling so hard with food?
I am addicted to alcohol, so I just don't drink it. I am addicted to food. Am I'm screwed?! Maybe it really is just particular foods and the trick is to identify them and cut them out altogether. I am going back to post-surgery eating on July 1 and maybe that will help me sort some of it out. I'll be doing that with a lot of support from you people, I hope, as well as my Higher Power, journaling and other support groups.
When I finally committed to sobriety, I went to a meeting every day. Maybe I need more OA meetings in my life; need to get an OA sponsor; and work the 12-steps yet again in relation to this particular disease.
I really want to love myself again. I want to feel like I have enough and I am enough exactly where I am today, in this moment. Oh, yeah, that's the last thought for today. Perfection. Where did I get the idea that I have to be perfect, do everything perfectly? It was so hard to get honest about the eating because I want everyone to think I am just fine -- no, better than fine. I am amazingly, wonderful. Can you say ego? Jeez, how does someone with such low self-esteem have such an enormous ego??? I recognize that this is where the "sneak" eating comes in. I don't want anyone to see me being "imperfect," especially not my children or, God forbid, Bill.
I have a lot of work to do, folks. I've had some really good days recently that I can remember, where there was space in my head for things other than food, but I am struggling again. Putting things out here really helps me process and come to a place of acceptance and growth. Thank you so much for letting me share.
My lowest adult weight was 114, and my highest was 320. I've been everywhere in between. The time I loved myself the most was when I weighed 320. That was when I loved myself enough to give myself the gift of gastric bypass surgery. I just went back and read my OH profile writings and amazed myself. I didn't get the surgery out of desperation or self-hatred! I honestly had this surgery from a place of recovery and self-respect. So what the hell happened??? I NEVER want my self-esteem, worth and value to depend on the number on the scale or on my clothing label. Why now do I feel "less than"? And why am I struggling so hard with food?
I am addicted to alcohol, so I just don't drink it. I am addicted to food. Am I'm screwed?! Maybe it really is just particular foods and the trick is to identify them and cut them out altogether. I am going back to post-surgery eating on July 1 and maybe that will help me sort some of it out. I'll be doing that with a lot of support from you people, I hope, as well as my Higher Power, journaling and other support groups.
When I finally committed to sobriety, I went to a meeting every day. Maybe I need more OA meetings in my life; need to get an OA sponsor; and work the 12-steps yet again in relation to this particular disease.
I really want to love myself again. I want to feel like I have enough and I am enough exactly where I am today, in this moment. Oh, yeah, that's the last thought for today. Perfection. Where did I get the idea that I have to be perfect, do everything perfectly? It was so hard to get honest about the eating because I want everyone to think I am just fine -- no, better than fine. I am amazingly, wonderful. Can you say ego? Jeez, how does someone with such low self-esteem have such an enormous ego??? I recognize that this is where the "sneak" eating comes in. I don't want anyone to see me being "imperfect," especially not my children or, God forbid, Bill.
I have a lot of work to do, folks. I've had some really good days recently that I can remember, where there was space in my head for things other than food, but I am struggling again. Putting things out here really helps me process and come to a place of acceptance and growth. Thank you so much for letting me share.
Blessings, Jill
WLS 5/31/07. Maintaining a weight loss of 141 pounds and feeling amazing!
Jill,
You have grown and just in what this post states shows how much so... Perfection, like control are illusions that we strive for and it is a set up for making us feel low self esteem and sub par.
Whether you recognize it or not, even while it has been 4 years since your surgical intervention, much has changed and we "addictive types" do not deal with change very well, so give yourself a break and realize this is not a race to the top, it is a journey and each step of that journey is something to be celebrated and you are cause for celebration, because you seek to change that which does not work, it is not easy, but it is something that with vigilance can be done, one day at a time. . .
Hugs, Laureen
You have grown and just in what this post states shows how much so... Perfection, like control are illusions that we strive for and it is a set up for making us feel low self esteem and sub par.
Whether you recognize it or not, even while it has been 4 years since your surgical intervention, much has changed and we "addictive types" do not deal with change very well, so give yourself a break and realize this is not a race to the top, it is a journey and each step of that journey is something to be celebrated and you are cause for celebration, because you seek to change that which does not work, it is not easy, but it is something that with vigilance can be done, one day at a time. . .
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
wow, you have achieved so much, lowest adult weight ll4.....that was my weight at nine or ten......I had surgery four years ago too, and never made goal.....(the worlds goal) and mine too if I want to be honest...........of course my dad says, your a big girl lois, they are your hips....but in the mirror I see the real me too.....your fortuate that you can go to allot of l2 step programs in your area.....where I live we need to drive twenty miles plus and the ones that are around here, well we live in a very very small town, and everybody knows everybody, so you really can't open up,.......I know what you mean about you can live without drinking but not without food...... a year ago I started drinking wine, never before did I like it, and I will be 59 this year, crap, my ex was a connoisur of wine and we had a wonderful bar ( I did say x) then I hated it, didn't touch the stuff....if I had liked it back then it would have been free......lol...lol...anyway, all kidding aside, I used allot of excuses for drinking, taking away my pain from my belly, then it was happy hour at the senior trailer park....lol...lol....then I didn't need a reason, just liked it......allot......well when I realized one day that I lost a whole night and bottle to no memory I knew I was in trouble and my addictive behavor was taking over.......so know I have been clean since coming back from our snow bird home and fighting to take off the pounds I put on using wine as my "fruit exchange" . I am glad to have this group to vent, and anyone out there understands where I am coming from if they had this happen to them, the one thing about this I learned........NEVER SAY NEVER....it will bite you in the ass...................................thanks for listening......................................Lois
Wow Lois, I thought it was just me using the wine as a substitute. And Jill, boy can I relate. I used to be able to goes months without a drink. Wasn't even anything I ever thought about. I was truely a social drinker and didn't even drink at every social occassion. I've found the past year has really changed and not even sure why. I don't "crave" it and I don't ever have a drin****il after dinner but on lots of occassions I start after dinner and really don't stop. Just keep drinking. I am stopping for good and I know I can do it, but still can't figure out really why I started in the first place. Do I just need a replacement for the eating addition? I want my replacement to be exercise but can't seem to make that one stick. Been working out almost everyday for the past 2 months but have to drag myself there so don't think that is going to be my new addition.
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