My Life is a Documentary

  I've posted a couple things here before, but, this weekend has been a head spinning realization for me. p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Arial} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Arial; min-height: 14.0px}

 

I could absolutely do a documentary on how people treated and perceived me as a "fat person" and how I am now treated and perceived 120+ pounds lighter.

 

My husband and I are definitely having some problems and his jealousy is at the root of it all. He is insanely jealous every time I leave the house and has acted inappropriately to me and about me in front of the kids. All of them - age 6 to 16. They've all heard him and seen the way he behaves.

 

Now, my inlaws are all insistant that I've changed and they've seen the change in me. Well, I'm skinnier and my hair is shorter...that's it. They haven't talked to me in over 6 weeks since our problems all started, they base their opinion on what my DH (and that doesn't stand for "darling husband" this time) tells them.

 

I actually had an epiphany and spoke it out loud..."120 pounds ago, you sit me in a corner at a party and I'm viewed as shy and meek. Take off 120 pounds, same party, same corner and now everyone thinks that I'm too good for them and won't speak to them." My brother in law couldn't deny it. I've seen it in several people. I want to scream "I AM THE SAME PERSON I WAS A YEAR AGO!!!!!!!!" With everyone telling me I'm different, it's making me behave differently, that's for sure. I'm feeling bitter and non-trusted, angry, frustrated, hurt, the list can go on and on.

 

I feel like my time to be happy was short lived and is now over. Like I can't be proud and confident because everyone will think I'm a snob or too good for them. When, meanwhile, I'm not acting any differently than I was before. I still have a "fat persons" personality with a side of confidence. My brother in law even said he wishes I could go back to being "heavy" so that all this trouble would not have started. 

 

I wish my husband would have gotten psychological testing and therapy to prepare for this change like I had to prior to surgery. But there isn't enough preparation in the world that would have prepped me for my husband turning so horribly against me when I reached my goal.

 

Someone, anyone experience a similar story? I may also post this on the main board, as I really need help coping with this.

 

Thank you. ;'(

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through some difficult times right now, but I guarantee you that you have changed, and I'm sure it's in a good way, but you are definitely different now and your friends and family just aren't used to it.

I'm betting you're more confident now - you dress better - you take better care of your appearance because you're not trying to hide in corners anymore. Trust me, I was there...I tried to stay in the background for fear I'd be blocking someone's way with my heft. I tried to dress nicely but come on, let's face it - being huge and dressing nicely can only go so far - we're still fat and we know it. But now that you're more 'normal' and can buy clothes anywhere I'm sure you're dressing better and walking more confidently and feeling better about yourself, and THAT IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

In my small intimate circle of friends I was the big beer drinker - could literally drink any of the men under the table and usually did - I was 'Happy Kathy' but when I couldn't drink beer anymore they told me I was no fun anymore. Really? I'm only fun when I'm drunk? But now that I've gotten more comfortable in my own skin and they realize that I am the same person it's much better - but trust me - it took about 2 years to get to that point.

You just go on being proud of your accomplishments and of what you've attained - do NOT let them rain on your parade! This was not easy to do - and someday they will understand and hopefully come around. Til then stand tall and be proud of what you've done.

Kathy

As Kathy pointed out, unconsciously you probably have changed to some degree, but I'm sure the person you are at your core being is the same, and more than likely your physical change and what it represents is scaring others, as for so long they knew how to relate to you and now you are somehow different in their eyes.  You don't mention if these people are overweight or not, but that could be a factor with some as well.  Your newfound confidence is probably unnerving to your husband and anyone else who knew you before, and more than likely your husband is finding you more attractive and afraid that others are too and so he is reacting to those insecurities that exist within him, as for others your new look may be intimidating, or may somehow be perceived as taking something away from them.  Change is not always welcome, you were predictable in your former shape. 

If you feel things are not going in a good direction, you can seek out some counseling. 

Lastly, they can only rob you of the joy your journey if you allow them to, so just continue to be yourself and more than likely in time the newness of it will wear off on them and they will value you for the same wonderful things you brought them in the first place.   

Wishing you well, Laureen

These are just some flashes of thoughts I had when I read your post.  I may be totally off base and have made some assumptions but here are my thoughts.


When there was a fight, argument, perceived slight before your husband didn't really have to worry about how you felt about it or how you would react because there was never any threat that you would leave him or cheat on him because no one else wants my fat wife.  You wouldn't be able to find solace in anyone else, you had only him and you would come around eventually.  A more confident Joann doesn't need to cow-tow to her man now and that definitely puts him off and stirs up jealously.  He is on the other side of the perceived power dynamic. 

Family, is basically the same thing, specifically with the confidence aspect and that you are willing to be outgoing.  Or like you said if you stay to yourself like what was expected before then you are stand offish and *****y.  Ask them "How SPECIFICALLY have I changed?  Make them give you concrete examples.  None of that generality bull ****  Ask them if you challenging them on there crap is an example of how you have changed, and when they say yes, tell them to get used to it!!!

I do know that we do change physically, (thank God), emotionally, and in our personality.  How can we not?  It is expected and should be welcome!  We have to check ourselves sometimes to make sure we arent betraying our own values and remaining true to who we want to be.  Other people are aware of our changes, how can they not be.  I have to make sure that confidence doesnt turn into and come off as ****yness.  Be aware that the same smile i give to someone now can and may be perceived as sexual where before it may not have been.  All in all we just need to be aware of how we project our new selves because like it or not people see us different now, some good and some bad.  

I really hope you can navigate your way through all of this turmoil Joann!  If it is important for you to maintain these relationships then you will have to keep the lines of communication open and work at it.  If it doesnt matter if you keep the relationship then....... F@#K them!  

Swede 

Joann,
I know how you feel.  My husband is not jealous...he justs treats me as if I have the plague.  His family ...that is another story...oy vey.  I am having trouble adjusting to how people treat me differently.  A lot of trouble.  I really liked Swede's post...that Todd is too cool.  Some of it really hit home for me (thanks Todd!)  I wish you the best as we navigate our way through our new more slender lives.  I wish I had the answers, God knows I have the questions.
Sara