Can anyone relate?

Or am I a complete raving lunatic? 

In my quiet time this morning, I was reflecting on my past and present relationship with food. One of the great blessings I feel in relation to my alcoholism is that it developed so late in life that I did not have to learn to live life without alcohol. I mean that for most of my adult life, I was sober! I know how to live sober. A lot of people I meet in AA spent most of their life drunk, and learning to live without alcohol is much more of a challenge for them than it is for me.   Now, food, is another story. In reviewing my life, I have either been binging or dieting since I was 8 years old! A lot of recovery led me to have my WLS, and I am truly grateful for it. But after WLS, I was strictly following a program (diet) and my life took some pretty strange turns. I asked my husband for a divorce 2 months after surgery. This was a good and right decision, but also painful and difficult. 7 months after surgery I started a new relationship and a year after surgery I was living with my new man (who is wonderful, by the way). 16 months after surgery I developed alcoholism and spent 2 years trying to get sober, all the while renewing my relationship with food.   Now in OA, I am learning that if I want freedom from obsession and compulsive eating, I need to change my relationship with food. And, honestly, I am freaking out about it. I’m not sure I know how to BE without food. Obviously, food has to be part of my life, but I do not want it to be the central part, the part that defines me, the thing I think about for the majority of my day (which, by the way, it still is at this moment).    I have to learn to live in recovery, taking one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting life on life’s terms and turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power, as I understand Him. Has there ever been a greater challenge???

Jill you make some very good points here. I think the biggest difference is we can live WITHOUT alcohol - we can live WITHOUT cigarettes and drugs - but we cannot live without food - it surrounds us, it nourishes us, it taunts us, and it is in almost every facet of our lives - from our daily meals to social events - it's constantly on TV, in magazines, on the internet - everywhere we turn we're confronted with temptation, and we have to live to eat. And its such a viscious cycle - you look at a magazine and there is one recipe after another on how to make this or bake that - then you turn the page and there's another article on how to lose weight - what to eat - when to eat - how to eat - etc. It's craziness!!

I'm not sure how we find that happy medium - of eating to live instead of living to eat - I find myself eating and I know darn well I'm not hungry - it's either boredom, or stress, or just the fact that I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to eat next!

My sister is going through the diet and nutrition processes right now in anticipation of having lapband surgery, but I know she's put on a little weight recently and was dreading her doctor visit yesterday - she said 'OMG I'm 58 years old - am I always going to be thinking about food, dieting, obsessing over getting weighed? Does it ever end?' and sadly I had to tell her no, it really never does end.

Many years ago, after yet another Weigh****cher's failure, I told the lecturer that I was tired of obsessing about food. The RNY was such a relief because it took that obsession away. I learned to see food as fuel, took care to ensure I had the right things on hand at all times, and then stopped worrying about it.

I also began to experiment with cooking from other cultures and that seemed to help, also.

The only time I seem to have a problem is when I travel and then I stockpile a bag of wls-friendly foods to have on hand in the car so that I don't feel tempted to stop and buy something more than coffee.

It is a life-long endeavor, but it does get easier.

That is really wonderful and very encouraging.  RNY did take away my hunger, but did not relieve my obsession. Actually, I guess that for a very short while, the obsession was lifted, but I replaced it with another unhealthy addiction (alcohol).  I believe picking up certain foods again after RNY re-fueled my obsession for food.  Kind of a relapse, I guess.

not a lunatic. . .

I totally relate your post, except that I think I my food relationship was always skewed, as food was a comfort, a festive thing, a friend, probably a lover to the extent that it gave me lots of pleasure, in early life I was punished and rewarded with food, so for me personally, while I developed addictive behaviors with it, substance wise, I first became addicted to nicotine, alcohol and drugs in my 20s, getting into recovery when I turned 31 was a beginning of seeing how and why I was an addict, but I remember my sponsor, who was a very wise woman and worked in the field of addiction, saying to me at about 3 years clean and sober, that I would probably have the hardest time with my primary addiction, which by that point had been determined to be food.  I went to OA a few times, just did not like it, was not willing and figured that if I utilized the 12 steps from NA/AA I'd be just fine, had periods of "controlled" eating, lost weight, gained it back, you know the drill. . .  so like you I turned myself over to the care of Bariatric surgery and wallaha I lost weight, but food is an obsession still, I am always shopping, prepping, cooking or thinking of new ways to make it healthy and thusly it is always on my mind, but as Kathy stated, unlike alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, something we have to have and I don't really know the answer, other than if you are a lunatic, I am right there with you. . . 

What I can say is that I remember my cousin, who had this surgery in 2004, never being hungry, eating by the clock post-surgery, when I was feeling hunger, very early out, I was angry that I did not get released from that feeling, but I also remember that at about 18 months post-op she slid back to some old habits, reaching for food to comfort and/or for company and I think it is about staying cognizant of things, yet trying to find a balance, that is the challenge, at least for me. . .

I feel the fear too. When I had the surgery I did not have that fear because I knew at some point I would be able to eat and enjoys certain foods again. I have never used sugar again but the other carbs are a problem. Now when I think about changing all the food it to me in my life I get damn scared. It is so hard because it is not as cut and dry. Like alcohol or drugs are.

Someone told me to list my "problem" foods -- those foods which when I have some, I want more.  And knowing that the next step would be to say, "Okay, those are the foods you shouldn't eat at all," is really scaring me.  It's ridiculous.  So what if I can never have pizza again?  Isn't my emotional and physical well being worth more to me than a stupid piece of pizza?  I'm such a whacko!

this is what i was told

You divide a piece of paper into three columns. Label them from left to right A, B, C, A = Red flag, binge foods that trigger you, or if you don't even know what that means for you yet, food that you know in your heart you can never ever eat "just one of" B = Borderline foods, foods or food groups or types of food that you sometimes can eat just fine (e.g. "I can eat this food in a restaurant in one portion I walk away from, but it can't be in my house") and things that sometimes trouble you C = Safe foods -- things that at least up till now in your disease you have yet to binge on or overeat from...
  Then what I did with that sponsor for a few weeks was to commit that I would eat 3-0-1 and NO Column A foods, for some that is all you'll ever need. For others it becomes clear pretty quickly that at least planning the foods ahead of time (writing out a menu of main foods for each meal NOT portions per se) is helpful, some then progress to committing that food plan to a sponsor each day by email or phone, and some move on to actually committing portions/weights of foods. It all depends what you feel you need to feel safe and less crazy.

That makes a lot of sense.  Are you able to stay on the 3-0-1 plan?  I've been resistent because I got used to eating 6 times a day.  Now my snacks are just fruit, but I suppose I could tack the fruit onto my meals.  I say that I can't get all my nutrition in with 3 meals (bs) and that I have hypoglycemia (I do, but it has only happened after eating too large of a meal with lots of carbs).  I hate all this honesty crap.  LOL.  So, the truth is that I am resistant because I like knowing that I'm going to eat again in just a couple of hours.  I was thinking of trying 3-0-1 over the weekend to see how I felt physically.

i dont do the 3-0-1 i think we need to do things a tad different