Just when I was getting comfortable...

Feeling strong in recovery and then had a couple of dizzy spells over the past couple of weeks, so I went to the doctor.  My blood pressure is up.  Not in the "danger zone", certainly not as high as it once was, but still needs a small dose of medication.  But that freakin' scale!!!  I've gained 8 pounds since my last visit, 11 months ago.  Okay, I was dealing with recovery from alcoholism.  I can allow myself 8 pounds.  And I believe it was probably more, since I started cutting out some of the really bad stuff a couple of months ago.  But the reality is that I am up 45 pounds from my lowest weight.

And the way this plays with my head is.... I want to eat.  Can't eat.  Shouldn't eat.  MUST NOT EAT.  But I want to eat.  It's how I react to distressing news after all.  It won't fix the problem.  It'll probably make it even worse!  But my instinct is to eat; my recovery is screaming at my instinct, and I am decidedly uncomfortable and filled with anxiety in this moment.

Thanks for letting me share.

It is ok I am facing the same realities and eating is not the answer.

Remember  Event, Thought, Feeling Impulse Behavior.

Journal it, 

Thanks, Nicole, that is such a helpful tool.  I wrote more about processing through this.  I came out in a really good place pretty quickly. 

Sending you healing thoughts... You have been doing a great job Jill.

LOVE your Avatar Beth!!

Thanks.  It is getting better.

Life is really getting good.  I love living a 12-step life.  Having some distance from food and alcohol (being abstinent) has given me some much needed space between the think and the drink, or, in my case, the food.  When I thought everything in me was screaming to grab some carbohydrates, truly my first impulse was to post my situation, which I did.  That allowed me a couple of minutes to breathe.  I did not grab food, but rather grabbed the train into work.  I love my train rides because it is when I do a lot of my praying.  And I did pray.  And I did receive answers to those prayers.  I had space in my head to think, and was able to really process my doctor’s appointment this morning.
 
Feelings:  I was feeling guilt and shame.  I let myself down.  I let other people down.  I’m enormous.  I’m a failure.  I suck at life. 
 
Facts:  I’ve gained weight.  My blood pressure is too high.  I’m sober.  I’m abstinent.  While I am 45 pounds over my lightest weight, I still weigh 110 pounds less than my highest weight.  It is what it is.
 
I want to eat/stuff the feelings of guilt and shame.  If you eat it, you feed it.  (That’s what I heard in meditation.)  If I try to eat the feelings of guilt, I am really feeding my guilt.  It will grow even larger.  Same thing for shame.  Interesting.  If I don’t feed the guilt and shame, it will diminish. 
 
Crazy brain stepped in here for a moment.  If I don’t eat it, what will I do with it?  Do, do, do… do something, anything, and do it quickly. 
 
Sane brain to the rescue.  I’m not going to lose the weight overnight.  I still have tools to help me stay abstinent and that should bring me to a healthy weight.  What’s the plan?  Where’s the action?  I know the plan.  No sugar/fast food/snack food.  Adding to the plan, just a tad -- write everything I eat down.  Huh?  That’s it?  Yes, because now I have a frame of reference.  Up until today, I did not even know how much I weighed, because I was avoiding it.  Now, I can stay abstinent and write everything down.  In 30 days I can weigh myself again, and then, if necessary, tweak my food plan. 
 
This is crazy.  Normal people don’t write down everything they eat.  They don’t have “food plans."  They aren’t abstinent.  They don’t go to meetings.  They can just eat in a healthy way.  Oh, wait, I’m not a normal person.  I’m an alcoholic, and a compulsive overeater.  I need a program.  It’s okay for me to use the OA tools.  In fact, it’s necessary to maintain my abstinence, the same way using the AA tools is necessary to maintain my sobriety.
 
I don’t have to get it all right immediately.  Progress, not perfection, remember?  Just for today, I can do the next right thing.  I have a plan for the rest of today.  I have an eating plan, and I am walking home from the train station for exercise.  I’m gonna be okay.  I never have to overeat or drink alcohol again to cope with ANY of life’s difficulties.  God’s got this, and me. 
 
Thanks for letting me share.

 WOW, Jill.. this is an awesome revelation.  I am going to read this again and really focus on what you wrote and see how it applies to me.  Then, I am going to try to figure this out for me, too.  

Maybe I need to go to OA.  It can't hurt to try and if it's not for me, then at least I tried. 

Thank you thank you thank you.....very powerful

Jill

You are not alone on this journey, I gained 25 lbs. from my lowest weight and have been addressing similar issues, if we were not complusive overeaters, we'd have never arrived to that place of surgical intervention, however, as we have learned, the surgical intervention is simply a tool, one that sometimes winds up dusty in the corner as we feel we are now more in control, that illusion of control, carbs, refined ones (flours, sugar and the like) are our great nemsis and I have found that they create in me the craving of wanting more than I should have.  Still battling it, for many of the insights you speak of, it's a merry go round of guilt, shame, remorse and feeding that creates more of the same. . .

Awareness creates opportunity to change what we become aware of and we can start over as soon as the awareness kicks in.  We're in this for life and as all things in life, there are setbacks and lessons to learn.

Successing is a process of stringing together one day at a time and not giving up, as in throwing our hands up and getting a case of the "f-its". . .

Hugs, Laureen

...I want to eat/stuff the feelings of guilt and shame.  If you eat it, you feed it.  (That’s what I heard in meditation.)  If I try to eat the feelings of guilt, I am really feeding my guilt.  It will grow even larger.  Same thing for shame.  Interesting.  If I don’t feed the guilt and shame, it will diminish...

This is good stuff Jill!  Something I needed to hear, THANK YOU for sharing it.  Everyone teaches what they need to learn. 

Peace,

Deb