Why does it bother me?

Hi Everyone,
I need to vent, and think, about something.  Bear with me, and if you have any advice, or thoughts, let me know.

My sister had lap band surgery in June.  She opted for that out of fear because she has had blood clots, and feared bypass would be more dangerous for her.  She went to the support groups at Jeanes, where she had her surgery, a great deal prior to her surgery, but has not gone since.

I have observed her eating sugar regularly, and in large quantities, at times.  She also nibbles a lot between meals.  Her exercise program is practically non-existant.  Needless to say, her weight loss is pitiful. 

Mom has talked to me about it, referring to her surgery as unsuccessful.  I reiterate over and over again that Sissy is not following the program as she has been told.  Shortly after her surgery, she spoke with the nutritionist at Dr. Dempsey's office to follow the bypass guidelines for diet. 

On Ash Wednesday, I made the decision to work hard at not eating sugar, because I had relapsed on that when I relapsed on alcohol.  At a family dinner, I was offered Girl Scout cookies and I made the announcement that I gave up sugar for Lent, which is partially true.  I gave it up for my health, but knew my family would cease offering me it if I brough God into the picture.  I have also picked up my exericse program more, with walking Utley more often and hitting the gym to swim. 

So, tonight, I went to Sissy's to lose at Scrabble, and her friend brought over dessert, a decadent looking chocolate cake.  Eileen did not offer me any, and she had a huge hunk of it, immediately after eating her meal. 

I don't know if it bothers me because I can't have any, or because she is sabotaging her surgery so much.  We do not have the kind of relationship where I can bring up my concern.  Mom talks to me about it, but I don't know if she has mentioned it to Sissy, or not.  I am concerned about her, and don't know what to do, except talk about it here.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hugs,
Trish

I learned a long time ago not to be bothered by what other people do or say. The only control you have is over you, but you already know that.
My brother is a non successful RNY patient from way back. Back when they knew nothing vitamins, not taking NSAIDS or any of the other stuff. He eats everything and anything and consumes pretty large quantities of beer.
Sad but out of my control.

PS who is Utley?. My sister has a Saint Bernard named Utley.

Hi Roger,
Thanks for the encouragement to let go of this.  I know I can't control her, but I love her and hate to see her endanger her life with the wrong foods. 

Utley is my Shiba Inu, a very hyper dog that likes to play fetch.

Hugs,
Trish

Hi Trish - I'm sure your sister's actions frustrate you because you know whether it's RNY or lapband the surgery works IF you follow the rules - and I would bet that if your sister doesn't lose weight she'll say the surgery doesn't work - and you know better.

If she is seeing her doctor and nut and has gone to support meetings then she knows in her heart and head what she has to do in order for this to work and for you to say anything to her is only going to cause you grief and heartache.

You know what your demons are and are taking control of your life by going to AA mtgs and cutting out sugar. As much as you love her you can't do this for her - she has to do it herself.

My sister is having lapband in about 4 months and says she's having that instead of RNY because "she can't give up the things I did" - I hope and pray that she's successful with her lapband but she is a sugar-holic so we will just wait and see.

You continue to take care of YOU, Trish. Hugs, Kathy

Thanks Kathy,
My sister knows what is going on.  She once went to an inpatient treatment center for eating disorders, and followed a very restrictive diet with no flour, no sugar, and weighing and measuring everything.  She went down to a size 12 at that time, and was very happy.  She stopped going to OA, and the support weekends from that.

I appreciate your support and kind words.  I am grateful for the recovery I have, and for having made the decision, finally, to get off the sugar for good.  I feel so much better having done this.

The odd thing is, my sister was first to get into AA and get sober, and was very involved in it years ago, but has not attended in ages.  I have no clue how she stays sober.  That concerns me as well.  But, like you all say, I can't change her, I can only change me.

Thanks again.

Hugs,
Trish

Hi Trish;
Sending you (((((hugs))))).  You are naturally concerned for your sister's health.  If I have learned one thing in this life it is we can support, worry, care about, but we cannot change those we love unless they want to change. 

Your sister is lucky to have you as a sister, your post shows how very much you love and care for her.

You can love her, stand by her, you cannot change her she has to want to do that by and for herself.

I work with a woman - who is also a nurse that had lapband because the RnY was too restrictive.  She had her surgery at least a year prior to me having mine.  She has not lost an ounce,  She claims the surgery  was unsuccessful or that the doc screwed up something, yet at meetings I watch her shovel in 3/4 slices of pizza, regular soda, pasta, bread, desserts (a big slice of every dessert out on the table) yet claims the surgery was unsuccessful.  this is  wonderful tool we are blessed with it is up to us to either use it or sabatoge it.

HOpe she sees the light soon and gets on program. 

I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

Hugs,
Ida

Thanks  Ida,
I do love my sister, and especially since she is my only living sibling now.  I have buried both of my brothers, and they were also obese.  Blood clots got both of them, which runs in the family.

I know I can't change her.  That is why I came to my family here to vent about my concerns.  I see the volume she is consuming, and the sugar, and just cringe inside.

I appreciate your support and kind words.

Hugs,
Trish

Do you think she might ever want to change to an RnY?

Hi Ida,
My sister ruled out RNY because of her previous blood clots.  She was afraid she would clot and die from the RNY.  I had my RNY before my clots.  I don't know what the medical people say about this, though Dr. Marymor seemed to indicate it would not have made a difference to him, though I may be remembering inaccurately.

She saw my success, and then my relapse with alcohol and sugar, though I only gained back 35 of the over 100 I lost.

Like the BariatricBSN said, "Let Go, and Let God."

Hugs,
Trish

Dr. Dempsey is the doc to go to if you have problems with clots.  I don't know if you remember my journey getting to the OR because I have what is called HIT and blood clot problem.  Dr. Dempsey and my hematologist told me there was absolutely no reason I could not have RnY.  The day I had my surgery another woman who had a different clotting problem also had her surgery.  We are both alive to tell of our experience.  Like doc told me if I needed open heart surgery would I decide not t have it because I might get a blood clot. 
Dr. Dempsey was the only surgeon who would do the surgery on me and was also teaching Dr. Patel how to operate successfully on those of us that tend to clot. I am also allergic to Heparin so doc had to find another blood thinning agent for me, my hematologist told him what to use on me :-)  Much more expensive than the heparin but like I said I am alive and well, and can tell of my experience having surgery when all the other surgeons told me no....

Ida