Today's Reflection - About Relationships

I think this is something everyone can relate to, so I am posting it

Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find its own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share. 

Hi Laureen

This is exactly what I talk to my therapist about quite often.  There have been things going on with close people in my life that need to read this.  I will copy and send to them.

I hope your trip to FL was a good one.  

Arlene 

I thought the content of this was very important to many of us, which is why I posted it, I sometimes wish I had learned some of these things when I was younger, but experience does teach us too.

My trip is next week (18th - 21st, returning early am 22nd) and I hope it will be sunny, warm and very relaxing. . .

Hugs, Laureen

This one seriously resonated with me.  23 years in an abusive marriage, trying to make it work.  So glad I'm out of that and my new relationship is completely different.

like you said if one person has to do all the work its not meant to be.  Also I do believe that people treat us the way we ALLOW them to.  Like that lady on Oprah states "when you see crazy cross the street".  Save yourself.  I would rather be by myself alone then be left alone.  I always said you're where you want to be with who you want to be with.  I have certain standards truth, trust, honesty, loyalty, to be there and stand behind one another.  If I had to do all the work I only have one thing to say forgetaboutit.  For me its today and all the tomorrows to stop doing all the work in my relationships.  When you have to do more than your share you're trying too hard and to me thats just so wrong.  Good post thank you.

Perception is a persons reality. Sometimes a person's perception of how much they are doing in a relationship is tainted and not factual. Just saying...........

It is so weird that this was posted today....My hubby and I are having a very very rough time right now.  He is very upset w/ my decision to have surgery.  He is currently not talking to me.  As if the 2wk liquid diet isn't stressful enough, LOL.....I do feel that I put more into this relationship, but I have never given up on it.  I have 3 kids and it breaks my heart to think of them coming from a broken home much like I did.  I just don't know where to go from here.  I keep praying to God that he shows me the way, and I haven't seen it yet....Thank you for posting that! 

My significant other also, has issues with me having this surgery. As a matter of fact, he's been very angry with me for the past few days, because he overheard me telling my daughter that I would be having the VSG, and not the lapband. He said that he would be with me at the hospital, but he was going to be very angry! He said that I lied to him, as it was a lie of omission. He said that he finally wrapped his mind around me having the band, but having the vsg was just too radical, and permanent, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! So thank you so much for sharing. It has given me much needed encouragement.

WOW, apw, are we married to the same man??LOL...Mine is pissed because even though he has seen me for the past 14 years struggle w/ my weight, and go through every damn diet known to man,  he insists that I "haven't tried hard enough".  He is pissed because I went to the 1st doctor appt w/out him knowing.  Now I did this because the previous 6 years that I have thought about this, he has always said no, we have ended in a fight and turns out I wasn't a candidate for it anyway, SOOOO, I went to the first appt to see if I would qualify and since I did, I came right home and told him.  So he is just grasping at straws.  I guess I don't understand what they dont understand that we are trying to get healthier and improve ourselves?  That being said, that should be grounds for instant acceptance, but its not...I would NEVER treat him like this for wanting to better himself.  UGH, I'm sorry anyone else has to go through this, but I"m glad that I can talk to someone about this....

Jshivery.....what the heck is wrong with these men? I just don't get it! I quit smoking last year, and I immediately gained 35 lbs. I'm a big girl anyway, and that extra weight has put tremendous pressure on my back, and I'm in constant pain. There have been times when he has had to help me up the stairs, so I could get into bed! I had a sleep study in Sept., and I found out that I don't have sleep apnea, but my O2 levels drop at night, to dangerous levels. My weight is crushing my lungs when I sleep! But again, all he can think about is himself, and how this will affect HIM. It's infuriating. The good news, is that we aren't married, and sometimes, three of the sweetest words in the english language are "I'm going home".

I'm amazed at how they have seen us suffer and struggle over the years, but when we decide to do something just for us, all hell breaks loose. I've decided that I can't live for him, or for anyone else. It has to be about me, and about what I want. The reason why he's angry just doesn't matter to me. We have supported them through thick and thin, right or wrong. And now that we need their support, we're on our own. I'm glad that I'm strong, and I've decided that the only person I can, and will rely on, is God. Sometimes, we just have to take a leap of faith.

Hang in there! Don't let him sway you, just to keep the peace.  The only person you will end up hurting, is yourself. Please keep me posted!
Annette