Siehara wrote a poem that breaks my heart

Hey Lisa,

Parenting is no party, but the rewards are understanding, a smile, an embrace. The two of you are discovering how to communicate in a meaningful manner. The action requires more listening than talking. Even sometimes listening to silence. A young person like Siehara has yet to understand how long she has to develop and to hatch. She feels like what she is now is all she will be. Help her to understand the reality of her growth and the time it takes.

I like the idea of writing to her. Your thoughts and concerns that she can read alone. Writing back and forth a little could lead to the conversations you've been wanting for you and your daughter. Keep trying and things will develop the way they were meant to.

We're always here to lean on,

Dennis

Hey Lisa.

I got to this post late. I agree with what everyone else said, there were some great ideas. I would offer this. We are not just our behaviors. Who we are and how we act are not the same. Maybe try to get her to understand that you love her but not her behavioirs. Maybe this can help her to not personalize your reactions and it can help you to frame it for the both of you so its understood that you are not happy with her behaviors but still love her.

If we were all graded by what we sometimes display rather than who we are in our souls life would be very difficult and unfair. Who hasnt done something they werent proud of? I know I have. Make sure she understands the difference.

I dont think you can say it enough "I love you Siehara, but I dont like the behavior your doing right now."

Good luck babe!

Swede

 great points, Todd.  I definitely let her know ALL the time that SHE is not bad and that I love her.  When she says I'm just bad or mean or rotten or whatever, I tell her NO you are not.  You don't always make the right decisions, but you are NOT bad.  

I also said to her yesterday, and I'm sure other times, that I have made lots of mistakes and try to fix them, including how I respond to her sometimes.  I told her that I am working very hard to try to react differently to some of the things she does and says and that I don't always get it right.  WE are a work in progress. 

Lisa -
I can't offer any motherly advice, just want to say that Siehara has been on my mind today. Read her poem last night and it stuck with me. She seems like such a smart, well thought out young woman.
And I know she has you to thank for that.

 

Wow she is an eloquent writer for her age.

I had to think about it before I said anything. You walk a fine line between an over reaction and not enough of a reaction. If you ignore it and she is at the crisis point there could be disaster yet if you react too strong and if this is just manipulative then each time she does it she will need to go to the next level.
Consistency is the biggest thing with kids. Be honest and consistent.

Personally I like faith based counseling.

PS: Encourage her to keep writing and exploring her feelings in ink. She appears to have talent, it can become her place of refuge and safety and it will enlighten you as to her feelings and the place she it at.