Need to talk...

Patricia R.
on 12/27/10 3:45 am - Perry, MI
I have to talk to someone, so I am posting here, because I don't have anyone else I can talk to about some of this stuff right now, and I either get it off my chest, or eat over it. 

I had a fairly good Christmas with my kids.  My Mom is a different story.  She did nothing overt to me, just that she was very obnoxious and attention seeking comments.  There were a lot of people at my Sister's on Christmas Day, including my ex's parents, and my sister-in-law's fiance. 

Well, Mom constantly talks about being the oldest, and complains to anyone who will listen that her children don't treat her with the same reverance and deference that children in Asian cultures treat their parents.  She will say things like, "I want to be treated like a Chinese grandmother."  My reply to that is, "We ain't in China."

Mom also makes remarks about other cultures and uses words that are inappropriate about those cultures.  She refers to African Americans as "colored people."  When my son was getting ready to leave, he had his laptop and iPad in a shoulder, messenger bag, and Mom referred to it as " *** bag."  My son was upset, because of that remark. 

When we were playing Scrabble with my niece, sis-in-law and her fiance, she hit sis-in-law's fiance because he was reaching for the dictionary, which our house rules says is not allowed.  She slapped his hand, as if he were a child. 

My son told me that he is going to tell Grammy that if she makes that kind of remark again, he is going to discontinue seeing her. 

Enough about Mom.  Now, for my younger son, Sean.  Sean struggled with a bad heroin addiction when he was right out of high school.  He even got arrested for possession.  He supposedly does not do drugs anymore, but he does drink.  He claims he does not have a drinking problem, yet when he got together with my older son and some other friends and family at the bar later Christmas night, he had a pitcher of beer before anyone got there, and was a nasty, obnoxious drunk.  He has been nasty to me over the phone when he was drinking, and has done the same to his brother over the phone.  He is unemployed, has not finished college, and owes two schools money, preventing him from finishing his degree. 

My heart is heavy.  I know I cannot control Mom nor my son, Sean.  Mom's behavior brings back bad memories of my childhood.  Sean's behavior brings back bad memories of the years I took him to different treatment facilities. 

Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulders.

Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

Debi L.
on 12/27/10 4:02 am - Holland, MI

Hi Trish, WOW, talk about the heavy family drama.  I too can associate with some of what you have told us.  The main thing I have learned is, YOU cannot fix or change someone else.  I have tried and tried, then when I finally give in and stop trying ~ then... I am the bad guy!   Humm, how many parents out there haven't felt that way?!!

But really, I am glad you were able to vent and let this out rather than reverting back to food, or even doing what I have done and become cross addicted.... yep, not a pretty story but I am getting my life together and am going to succeed, just like you will!

Hang in there girl!  YOU are Woman and YOU ARE STRONG!

Blessings to you!

Patricia R.
on 12/27/10 12:34 pm - Perry, MI
Debi,
I am cross-addicted as well.  I inherited it from my father, and my son inherited it from me.  Not pretty, but I am on the right track now.

Thanks for the support.

Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

Maura M.
on 12/27/10 5:18 am - Yardley, PA
Trish,

I don't have any words of wisdom other than it makes me feel better to call my mother out for her bad behaviour.  She tells me I am too sensitive or that she is only kidding- yeah, I don't really beleive it - she has NO filter and NO ability to curb her words and think about how her comments affect others. I do love my mother, I really do, but there are many times when I just don't like her.  The first comment out of her mouth about my appearance is always negative - things like is that the hair color you wanted the hair dresser to use?  .. my niece (15) has gained about 20 lbs in the past year and my mother outright told her she is getting fat and if she didn't be careful her boyfriend wouldn't want to date her anymore - well Merry Frickin Christmas to you to... ). 

Regarding your son, all you can do is be there for him and handle it the way that you feel you needed others to handle things with you.  You can't fix him, but you can be there to help him put the pieces back together.

I am glad that you vented on here and you helped me vent too :)  I hope that God grants you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. My parents are both alcoholics and are sober since my teenage years (a blessing) and my dad was an AA sponsor for many years - your committment and resolve is amazing.  You are stronger than you realize.

xoxo,

Maura

Maura

        

Patricia R.
on 12/27/10 12:36 pm - Perry, MI
Thanks Maura,
I appreciate the reminder of the Serenity Prayer.  My frustration comes from not knowing more about my son, because he lives in Pittsburgh.  I don't see him much, because of the distance.  He also avoids communication with me a great deal.

Thanks again.

Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

Nicole0216
on 12/27/10 6:24 am - Lancaster, PA

Trish what i have learned with my mom is I tell her what she did that was upsetting and then I tell her, you have a choice you can continue with that behavior and have no one want you around. Or you can change and be included. For the most part she has really changed. But i have noticed with the stressors of her macular degeneration, her brother dying and her parents going to a home she is reverting back to her old ways. When i had web cam time with them on friday she and my niece watched the dvd of my wedding that i sent to her while i was on the cam.
She said that I looked like a burlesque girl, and then when it was done said well that was nice, tell me if you are still happy next christmas. I did not say anything then but I am going to talk to her about it and tell her that it is not ok and that I can distance myself again to protect myself if i need to.

Remember you can never make your mom happy or loved enough because that is not what she really wants. Her currency is misery and if you try and take that from her she will create it somewhere else. Sorry you are suffering so much with family stuff. You know with your son that you have to protect your sobriety until he is ready to face his.

Patricia R.
on 12/27/10 12:43 pm - Perry, MI
Thanks Nicole,
I appreciate your insights about my Mom.  I just do not know where to turn with my son.  He lives in Pittsburgh, and I don't see him much, and I fear for him because I know where alcoholism takes a person, and with his drug history, I fear the worst.

Thanks again.

Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

dit657
on 12/27/10 9:07 pm - Boothwyn, PA
Big hugs Trish - I have a vague idea of your history with your mom from your posts on here - sadly at her age she will never change and may only get worse as she gets older because for some reason elders feel they've earned the right to speak their mind no matter who they may hurt - my mother headed down that same path and most times I could just walk away from it but sometimes it really hurt.

I know we've also talked about my niece's heroin addiction - right now she's clean and getting her life back together with her husband and children (thank God he's a forgiving man), but I know we always hold our breath that she doesn't travel back down that path.

I know your AA meetings are a wonderful source of support for you - can they help you in dealing with your son's addiction as well?

Sending many prayers and hugs your way...you know you can always reach out to us.

Fondly, Kathy


'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Patricia R.
on 12/28/10 2:50 am - Perry, MI
Thanks Kathy,
I will pray for you niece.  Thank God my son has no kids to influence right now.  I hope to talk to my sponsor this week about my son.  She has been hard to get hold of for long talks so far.

Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
96179

LindaScrip
on 12/28/10 2:24 am
wow you have your hands full!  As far as Mom, why doesn't anyone tell her she is out of line?  And when it happens?  Mom you're out of line five simple words!  I'm sorry Mom picked on son however if it were my son I would have told her ass off even if he is gay and I am not saying he is.Its not her place to make any comments nor anyone else about that!  Detachment is a word that comes to mind when I come across people like that.  Now for Sean the four c's come to mind when I was in NarAnon you can't control it, change it, cause it or cure it.  Remember those words?  I always will.  I would pay good money for Sean to go to a NA meeting and tell the other members working their steps that he doesn't have a drinking problem!  When Sean calls and he is drunk I would simply excuse myself and hang up on him.  No reason what so ever to tolerate that treatment.  His brother should do the same.  Its a shame Sean has made a mess out of his life but he is over 18 and sorry to say there is nothing you can do about that.  In the end it will catch up.  Don't enable him is my advice and as far as Mom I have a not very nice person as a Mom and I am not around her and my motto is "she can't hurt me anymore" the only favor she did was taught me what not to do with Heather.Sweetie absolutely feel free to cry on my shoulders that's what I am here for.  Good or bad. Hang in there.
Most Active
Recent Topics
Dr. Griffins
ballroomdancer810 · 0 replies · 1934 views
12 Years!
Boogaloo · 1 replies · 2036 views
And DS groups in PA
Katetolov · 0 replies · 2715 views
×