Addiction and help (long)

Sorry folks - this will be long.

I'm really struggling with my food addiction right now.  Over the last few months I've re-gained almost 15 pounds, which is completely horrifying and unacceptable to me.  I feel out of control, stressed, tired, and frustrated.  Somehow, miraculously, my clothes still fit, but I am not happy with this trend and know that I need to reverse it NOW.

I know I'm an addict.  I know intellectually where my problem lies.  I lack the control to get back onto the path and "fix" the problem (and I know it can't be fixed... it needs to be "tamed" but will always be there with me - a thought that scares me sh*tless). 

Every day lately, I've found myself being abstinent and on plan throughout the day really well.  Night comes and things just go to hell.  Night munchies, sneak eating, lying to myself about a portion size on something that shouldn't be eaten in the first place... all those old demons are creeping back in. 

Tonight I found myself having that old conversation with myself... 
Me: "what are you doing? why are you eating that? You know you shouldn't be eating that!"
Me: "just shut up and chew"  (rinse and repeat several times, until I finally physically removed myself from the kitchen.)

Binging is a real problem for me.  The binges aren't near the size and scope of pre-surgery, but I don't have a real restriction and can't dump - so it's purely self control that comes into play and stopping them.  I don't yet fully understand what drives my binges... stress? anxiety? (those are my instinctive directions)... but I can say that my stress and anxiety levels for the past couple of months have been higher than I ever remember, on the work, home, family, and financial fronts.  Yes, I think there's a correlation there.  I don't honestly know how i would have coped with the past months in the days prior to losing the weight.

Now, let me say that I have remained abstinent where it comes to sugar, and I have to give myself props for that.  However, floury carbs and fats seem to be a much more powerful addiction for me.  Yes, that's a revelation - prior to surgery, I always thought I was "purely" a sugar addict.  Turns out, that was the "easy" part - addressing binge eating of breads and carb-y things is so much tougher for me. 

I have remained diligent about exercise and I generally do not slack at all in my workouts (either the regular ones or with the trainer).  While there are mornings that I am too tired to get up early enough to make it to the gym, I make sure I'm getting there at least 4 days a week for a full workout.  I am proud of myself for that and I see and feel the results of that in my body on a daily basis.

This has to stop and I have to get back onto the path. 

I know I can do this, because I've done it before.  I know that I have the strength, if I can get my head into the right place and can get back to the thought process and motivation from being early out.  I need help, support, humility, patience... I need to revisit what worked in the early days and refocus on that. 

I've pulled out my trusty copy of "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" and am going to start re-reading and re-working the exercises in it. 

I'm going to work on flour abstinence "a day at a time" (well, actually, a meal at a time).

I'm going to focus on getting my water in as water only (with a lemon slice) because I think that putting the drink packets in is subtly sabotaging me with too many sweet triggers.

I'm going to be religious about tracking my food via sparkpeople and buildling and sticking to a plan for each day that will re-balance my nutritional plan.  My tracking has become too sporadic and is tracking what I've eaten rather than using the tracking tool to plan my day for effective nutrition.

Consider this my "step 1" - admitting the scope of my problem.  I'm not intending to following an actual 12-step program here for a variety of reasons, but there are some very powerful tools inherent in those programs, not the least of which is a public acknowledgement of the scope of the problem.  

For those who have read this far, thank you.  The support that I receive on a daily basis from all of you - my brothers and sisters on this journey - make me hopeful and keep me sane. 

Karen

 Hello, My name is Diane and I'm a food addict. I know how you feel and I'm sorry you are going through this.  I feel my lap band was the only way to curb my addiction.  It will always be there and I will always have to fight it.  The band just makes it easier.

Our surgeries were not a miracle cure.  They just help us achieve our goals.  We have had a life time of poor eating habits.  It's going to take a long time to change them.  We just have to make sure we don't beat ourselves up over our mistakes.  We will have them.  We are human.  We have to remember we are strong individuals.  The drastic changes we've made in such a short amount of time shows how strong we are.

There are many people here to support us.  Regardless of our different surgeries they all have a similar outcome.  The people here understand us and what we went through.  

Let's give our demons a kick in the butt and help each other stay on track.

Many of us are an email, a facebook post or a phone call away.  

Diane

Diane,

You are so very right.  My impetus for having RNY was to give myself a tool to help control (or limit the damage by) my addiction.   My intense disappointment at coming out of the surgery with no RNY and a very limited "pouching" was something that I've managed for a long time - and I think now is the time that that's really coming home to roost.  I did well for the first nearly 2 years, but now is when i really could USE that tool to help keep myself on track.  

I have to remind myself continually that the tool should have just been a safety net, not a crutch - and that I can and WILL manage without it.  

And as you remind me, I need to be patient and kind to myself as I continue to work on the problem and make the long-term changes. 

Thank you!
Karen

Hi Karen,
Boy, I could have written your post.  I have struggled with the food ever since I relapsed with the alcohol.  That was when I started with the sugar, and bingeing.  It was as if I had opened Pandora's box, and let out the eating monster.  Now that I am sober since January, I have had brief periods of control with the quantity of food, but I still graze, and sugar is still in my diet in small portions.  I am a sugar junkie.

My pre-op experience with my eating disorder includes years of participation in Overeaters Anonymous, and 21 years of psychotherapy, as well as two outpatient eating disorder treatment programs.  In all of that help, I learned coping skills, which when I utilize them work.  My eating beahviors are habits I have used to cope with negative emotions.  When I do my self-soothing, I am better able to cope and keep the food under control.  Problem is, it is easier to eat than self-soothe.

The most effective self-soothing is deep breathing exercises, and visualization.  The deep breathing, I breath slowly in through my nose, counting to six, so that my lungs get filled deep down.  Then, I blow out through my mouth, like blowing out a candle, to the count of six.  The physical benefits are that more oxygen gets to the muscles and brain and cause the body to relax. 

The visualization is a recording my therapist did for me in a session.  I am not sure if there are any recordings available online, but they are extremely effective in helping my body and mind relax. 

I also journal, pray, and read Scriptures, but am inconsistent with all of that, especially the deep breathing. 

I appreciate your honesty and feel more motivated than ever to get back on track with my self-soothing exercises.  My therapist has encouraged me to do them on a daily basis, so that I can train my body to relax and go into self-toothing mode automatically when tempted to eat, or act out in some way, which I have plenty of ways to do that.

Sorry my reply is so long.  I am just sharing my experience.

Hugs,
Trish

Thank you, Trish.  The specific self-soothing tools are ones that I haven't tried, but will certainly incorporate!  They sound like they would be very helpful.  THANK YOU!!!

It also helps to know that I'm not alone.

Karen

Trish's mention of breathing is EXCELLENT!

It works for so many things! And I use that with patients I am taking care of too!

Pain, frustration, temptation, etc........taking control of your breathing is awesome.

I tell patients to "smell the roses, blow out the candle"

Essentially, breath in through your nose slowly, blow out the air quicker.

It's a great way to center yourself, focus, and overcome!

Karen, I still struggle with the same demons. And today, I fight the same exact battle with the same issues, and the same weight gain.

But as well all know, facing it all is the best defense. I've been here before and fought it, I can do it again. And so can you.

Thanks for sharing!

Love the "smell the roses, blow out the candle" - i can remember that and it's a lovely visualization that puts me in just the right place.  THANK YOU!!!

First of all, lady.. don't EVER apologize for being long winded.  You have things on your mind and need to get them out.  THat is what we are here for.

I am also struggling.  I have been struggling for a very long time.  I also don't know what is triggering it.  Other than my money issues, I don't think there is much other stress in my life.  Things have been going pretty well for us here.  

The only thing we can do is be here for each other to vent, express our issues and seek out advice.  We have to do what you are already doing and be honest about it and take one day, meal or hour at a time.  My cookie incident yesterday is still weighing heavily on me and I did not get right back on track yesterday. 

Today, I need to refocus and kick my ass into gear. 

Like you, I am thankful for my dedication to the gym.  Without it, I KNOW I would have gained back a ton of weight.

Hang in there Karen.  You CAN do this!

Thank you, Lisa - it helps to know you're out there and listening and understand exactly what I'm talking about.

K.

Just a reminder that sometimes we have to look deeper.  Stress can be a factor in overeating, but there are other emotions we may also eat.  I have eaten guilt, fear, hurt and anger.