Reflection on People Pleasing

Should everybody like me?

When people say they are people-pleasers, they're acknowledging that it's a problem.

It's a problem because it reflects a desire to have everybody's acceptance and approval - to be universally liked. But from what we know about human relationships, this is not possible. No matter how hard we work to be pleasant and likeable, some people may still detest us for reasons we cannot understand. When that happens, we should not blame ourselves or step up our efforts to win them over. Our best course is to be cordial to them and to avoid giving offense in any way.

If our own behavior is mature and reasonable, even the people who don't like us will at least respect us. That may be the best we can hope for, and it is certainly far better than shameless people pleasing. In the end, people-pleasers don't please anybody and, as a famous comedian notes about himself, they "get no respect."

I'll try hard to be pleasant and cordial to everyone I meet today. If some people do not respond in the same way, I'll accept this without feeling hurt or betrayed.

This is great, Laureen.  I try to teach Siehara this all the time.  She gets very upset when someone in her class doesn't like her.  I've tried to let her know that not everyone has to like her, but she should still treat everyone with respect.

Thanks for sharing.

I remember a holiday dinner years ago where my uncle and my mom were having a heated discussion about, "Not everyone HAS to love you."  My mom, who was very much a people pleaser - didn't understand this.  At the time (and until VERY recently) I agreed with my mom.  I would think, "Why SHOULDN'T everyone like me?  I will be nice to everyone and then they will HAVE to like me."  Obviously, this has lead to some hurt moments.  I am starting to realize that the whold world does NOT have to like me and it is to no fault of my own.  So long as i am nice, respectful and "pleasant and cordial" then I have done everything that I can do!

Thanks Laureen for posting this - and thanks to Lisa for loving me enough to make sure I understand this!

I try to be friendly and outgoing to everyone I meet in my travels but I have learned to be able to say no as well.  Like I tell my daughter you can't make everybody like you just as you don't like everybody but at least try to get along with them.  The one thing that really infuriates me is when you go somewhere such as a open meeting you feel like certain people are clicky and that kind of keeps you away. It is what it is. The one thing I have learned is to LISTEN and LEARN.

I feel myself winning the battle against doormat syndrome on a daily basis.. but I've been one for so long, it will take time.  Many of you have heard me talk about this and how much I have seen things change (probably minor to others, but feels major to me).

Love you Laureen,

Maura