Three years (and it'll take you that long to read, too)
Three years.
Three years since I weighed almost 250 pounds.
Three years since I was wearing a size 22/24 pair of pants and a 44DDD bra
Three years since I came home from work, consistently, walking like I was almost 87 instead of almost 27
Three years since I realized I couldn't live like that anymore.
It's been one hell of a journey. And I know I have a much longer journey ahead of me.
What have I learned in the past three years?
I've learned that the answers aren't at the bottom of a dorito bag.
I've learned that it takes a lot more than baked goods to make good friends.
I've learned that I'm worth something. No, I'm worth a lot.
I've learned that it's a lot of work to put myself first. Always will be.
I've learned that it's ok to say no.
I've learned that feelings can hurt. And help. And suck. And feel warm and fuzzy. And feel cold and icy. And feel amazing.
I've learned.....that I have a lot to learn.
There has been a HUGE difference in year three in comparison to the first two years. The first year was full of mostly learning, of celebrating, of looking at every thing with complete amazement and wonder. Year two was full of figuring out how to live in my new body. It was spent making major adjustments in my life. I got a new job, moved to a new state, completely flooded myself with new experiences. It was still not believing who I was in the mirror. It was learning to recognize myself in photos.
Year three. There's no easy way to put this. I spent the first half of the year denying a lot. And the second half of the year thinking and realizing a lot. Does the surgery change you? Damn straight it does. I spent the first 2 1/2 years swearing until I turned blue in the face that it does not, it cannot, it would not, change anything about anyone, including myself. But, I was wrong. And ya know what? It's ok to change. It's ok to grow. The problem is, it's hard to understand that. And it's hard for some others to understand that.
Have I become a completely different person? No. Are my core values the same? Absolutely. Do I still love passionately? Absolutely. Do I still put friends and family at the top of my priority list? Yep. It's not like I went from a "catholic school girl" (I can say that - I was one lol) into a mass murderer. It's not like anything I once looked at as wrong became right and right became wrong.
HOWEVER, I changed my outlook about myself, about who I surrounded myself with, about HOW I surrounded myself. I changed what I believed I deserved. I changed how I believed I DESERVED to be treated. That's still a really really REALLY hard word for me to use on a consistent basis. Deserve. When was the last time I used that word and really meant it? I think probably on a "good" stretch of a previous diet where I "deserved" to be "bad" and have a cheat day or something like that. I'm not used to that word. And other people aren't used to me USING that word. I've recently been called "a skinny little *****", and it wasn't meant as a compliment. It was meant as "one of 'those' girls" It was meant as "There are two types of girls, fat and happy or skinny little *****es"
Here's the thing. A) I wasn't fat and happy. I was fat. B) Am I skinny little ***** Well, if standing up for what I believe to be right is that, then yes. Otherwise, I prefer to believe, and DO believe (most days), that I am, quite simply, a woman who is finally figuring out a lot about herself. About people. About co workers. About family. About friends. About situations. About how I handle situations. About how others handle situations.
I've had regain. I've regained anywhere from 15-20 pounds. And, really, most days, my diet is pretty much spot on. Sure, it's more than what it was right out of surgery. That's meant to be. We were not meant to eat 2 ounces at a time for the rest of our lives. Do I test the waters? Uh huh. Do I eat things I wouldn't have eaten right after surgery? Better believe it. Do I try to keep that to a minimum? Of course. Do I have days that based soley on what I eat you would never in a million years believe I'm a RNY patient? Sure.
I have clothes that don't fit, because yep, they are to small. Does that scare me? Like you wouldn't believe. Well, ok, fine, you WOULD believe it. Because you people get that. I exercise, and do so pretty much VERY consistently. I'll admit there was a good YEAR that I did not. I did not follow the game plan. Did that add to the regain? Uh, yea. It absolutely did. Did I F*&K that up? Sure.
I spin. I weight lift. I just started doing a couch to 5k program. Is the weight, after months of doing said exercises, coming off? No. Can it be discouraging? Yep. Are there days I feel like I "failed" this program too? Without a doubt.
But, more importantly, are days that I realize I am LIVING the program. I am pushing myself. I am successing. That I have my tool. That I always will have my tool That 10 pounds or 20 pounds, is not, nor will it EVER be, 110 pounds. How do I know this? Because I have friends. I have support. I have damn good supportive friends who won't let me go there. Who won't let me, for a single second more than it takes for me to verbalize the fact I think I'm failing, let me go on believing it any longer than that. They force me to look at things I don't want to look at.
Like before pictures. Like myself in a mirror. Like in size clothing that fits. In approximately 4 days my picture will be in a newspaper. It's a picture of me with a shirt that says "inspire" And it's running alongside an article about what types of exercise I do and why I do it. WTF? Where did THAT come from? From friends. From support. From encouragement. From tears. From believing I deserve my time at the gym. From LOVING my time at the gym. From CRAVING my time at the gym.
Yes, I am the girl who needed to lose over a hundred pounds despite what others saw at Barix. Yes, I am the girl who hid from herself in food, and hid from others. I'm the "tough jersey girl" who, in all reality, was, and is, so insecure it took a tough exterior facade to protect a very soft, emotional interior.
"They fix our stomach's, not our heads"
And through ALL of this. Through all the successing. Through all the mis steps. Through all the celebrating. Through all the tears. Through all the new experiences I loved. Through all the new experiences I hated. I wouldn't change a single second. I wouldn't change my decision. If the surgery needed to be performed twice a year every year for the rest of my life, I'd do it again. I quoted this song, the refrain, at a Barix meeting during year two. And it still holds true. VERY true for me.
"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye." Carrie Underwood, It starts with goodbye
To those who have paved the road before me; thank you. To those who have walked every step with me; thank you. To those who have come "after me", thank you. Those before - you show me how it's done. To those alongside of me, you let me know I'm not alone. To those who have begun walking in my footsteps, you remind me of the passion. Of the newness. Of the excitment. Of the learning.
Three cheers and hip hip hoorays for three years! I'm better than I was three years ago, and not nearly as good as I'll be three years from today. I'll stumble, I'll fall, I'll get back up, and I'll continue successing. No doubt.
~P
OH - if you made it to the end...congratulations and thank you!
Three years since I weighed almost 250 pounds.
Three years since I was wearing a size 22/24 pair of pants and a 44DDD bra
Three years since I came home from work, consistently, walking like I was almost 87 instead of almost 27
Three years since I realized I couldn't live like that anymore.
It's been one hell of a journey. And I know I have a much longer journey ahead of me.
What have I learned in the past three years?
I've learned that the answers aren't at the bottom of a dorito bag.
I've learned that it takes a lot more than baked goods to make good friends.
I've learned that I'm worth something. No, I'm worth a lot.
I've learned that it's a lot of work to put myself first. Always will be.
I've learned that it's ok to say no.
I've learned that feelings can hurt. And help. And suck. And feel warm and fuzzy. And feel cold and icy. And feel amazing.
I've learned.....that I have a lot to learn.
There has been a HUGE difference in year three in comparison to the first two years. The first year was full of mostly learning, of celebrating, of looking at every thing with complete amazement and wonder. Year two was full of figuring out how to live in my new body. It was spent making major adjustments in my life. I got a new job, moved to a new state, completely flooded myself with new experiences. It was still not believing who I was in the mirror. It was learning to recognize myself in photos.
Year three. There's no easy way to put this. I spent the first half of the year denying a lot. And the second half of the year thinking and realizing a lot. Does the surgery change you? Damn straight it does. I spent the first 2 1/2 years swearing until I turned blue in the face that it does not, it cannot, it would not, change anything about anyone, including myself. But, I was wrong. And ya know what? It's ok to change. It's ok to grow. The problem is, it's hard to understand that. And it's hard for some others to understand that.
Have I become a completely different person? No. Are my core values the same? Absolutely. Do I still love passionately? Absolutely. Do I still put friends and family at the top of my priority list? Yep. It's not like I went from a "catholic school girl" (I can say that - I was one lol) into a mass murderer. It's not like anything I once looked at as wrong became right and right became wrong.
HOWEVER, I changed my outlook about myself, about who I surrounded myself with, about HOW I surrounded myself. I changed what I believed I deserved. I changed how I believed I DESERVED to be treated. That's still a really really REALLY hard word for me to use on a consistent basis. Deserve. When was the last time I used that word and really meant it? I think probably on a "good" stretch of a previous diet where I "deserved" to be "bad" and have a cheat day or something like that. I'm not used to that word. And other people aren't used to me USING that word. I've recently been called "a skinny little *****", and it wasn't meant as a compliment. It was meant as "one of 'those' girls" It was meant as "There are two types of girls, fat and happy or skinny little *****es"
Here's the thing. A) I wasn't fat and happy. I was fat. B) Am I skinny little ***** Well, if standing up for what I believe to be right is that, then yes. Otherwise, I prefer to believe, and DO believe (most days), that I am, quite simply, a woman who is finally figuring out a lot about herself. About people. About co workers. About family. About friends. About situations. About how I handle situations. About how others handle situations.
I've had regain. I've regained anywhere from 15-20 pounds. And, really, most days, my diet is pretty much spot on. Sure, it's more than what it was right out of surgery. That's meant to be. We were not meant to eat 2 ounces at a time for the rest of our lives. Do I test the waters? Uh huh. Do I eat things I wouldn't have eaten right after surgery? Better believe it. Do I try to keep that to a minimum? Of course. Do I have days that based soley on what I eat you would never in a million years believe I'm a RNY patient? Sure.
I have clothes that don't fit, because yep, they are to small. Does that scare me? Like you wouldn't believe. Well, ok, fine, you WOULD believe it. Because you people get that. I exercise, and do so pretty much VERY consistently. I'll admit there was a good YEAR that I did not. I did not follow the game plan. Did that add to the regain? Uh, yea. It absolutely did. Did I F*&K that up? Sure.
I spin. I weight lift. I just started doing a couch to 5k program. Is the weight, after months of doing said exercises, coming off? No. Can it be discouraging? Yep. Are there days I feel like I "failed" this program too? Without a doubt.
But, more importantly, are days that I realize I am LIVING the program. I am pushing myself. I am successing. That I have my tool. That I always will have my tool That 10 pounds or 20 pounds, is not, nor will it EVER be, 110 pounds. How do I know this? Because I have friends. I have support. I have damn good supportive friends who won't let me go there. Who won't let me, for a single second more than it takes for me to verbalize the fact I think I'm failing, let me go on believing it any longer than that. They force me to look at things I don't want to look at.
Like before pictures. Like myself in a mirror. Like in size clothing that fits. In approximately 4 days my picture will be in a newspaper. It's a picture of me with a shirt that says "inspire" And it's running alongside an article about what types of exercise I do and why I do it. WTF? Where did THAT come from? From friends. From support. From encouragement. From tears. From believing I deserve my time at the gym. From LOVING my time at the gym. From CRAVING my time at the gym.
Yes, I am the girl who needed to lose over a hundred pounds despite what others saw at Barix. Yes, I am the girl who hid from herself in food, and hid from others. I'm the "tough jersey girl" who, in all reality, was, and is, so insecure it took a tough exterior facade to protect a very soft, emotional interior.
"They fix our stomach's, not our heads"
And through ALL of this. Through all the successing. Through all the mis steps. Through all the celebrating. Through all the tears. Through all the new experiences I loved. Through all the new experiences I hated. I wouldn't change a single second. I wouldn't change my decision. If the surgery needed to be performed twice a year every year for the rest of my life, I'd do it again. I quoted this song, the refrain, at a Barix meeting during year two. And it still holds true. VERY true for me.
"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye." Carrie Underwood, It starts with goodbye
To those who have paved the road before me; thank you. To those who have walked every step with me; thank you. To those who have come "after me", thank you. Those before - you show me how it's done. To those alongside of me, you let me know I'm not alone. To those who have begun walking in my footsteps, you remind me of the passion. Of the newness. Of the excitment. Of the learning.
Three cheers and hip hip hoorays for three years! I'm better than I was three years ago, and not nearly as good as I'll be three years from today. I'll stumble, I'll fall, I'll get back up, and I'll continue successing. No doubt.
~P
OH - if you made it to the end...congratulations and thank you!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Teresa O
Pam very well said.
I feel the same way. every day is a strugglr. I have not had any regain . I am lucky, ut I am afraid to test the waters cause I know if I can handle any sugar I will be 270 lbs again.
I have seen so many people re gain their weight back or most of it any way.
Dr. P says that some people go down to far and that is not where they r suppossed to be and then they have a weight regain, maybe that is what happenned to you , you were so tiny and still are but I know the scary feeling you r going thru cause I live thru it everyday. maybe u are suppossed to be 140.
when I want to eat something (SUGAR)). I remember Shauna saying "never test the waters you dont want to know". I think when year 3 comes some people get ****y and think they can never regain again. SO NOT TRUE.
this is horrible to say but when I go out and I m in a restaurant or a food court I look around and see people that I used to look like and it makes me loose my appetite and I eat less cause I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE.Also look around a lot of people that have put on weight and dont know how they did it drink alcohol, beer , wine & Vodka and even when u stop drinking the weight just doesnt fall back off.
Good Luck to you
you have come such a long way and a great inspiration to MANY people on here. dont beat yourself up to bad, u seem to be getting back on tack
Susan
I feel the same way. every day is a strugglr. I have not had any regain . I am lucky, ut I am afraid to test the waters cause I know if I can handle any sugar I will be 270 lbs again.
I have seen so many people re gain their weight back or most of it any way.
Dr. P says that some people go down to far and that is not where they r suppossed to be and then they have a weight regain, maybe that is what happenned to you , you were so tiny and still are but I know the scary feeling you r going thru cause I live thru it everyday. maybe u are suppossed to be 140.
when I want to eat something (SUGAR)). I remember Shauna saying "never test the waters you dont want to know". I think when year 3 comes some people get ****y and think they can never regain again. SO NOT TRUE.
this is horrible to say but when I go out and I m in a restaurant or a food court I look around and see people that I used to look like and it makes me loose my appetite and I eat less cause I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK THERE.Also look around a lot of people that have put on weight and dont know how they did it drink alcohol, beer , wine & Vodka and even when u stop drinking the weight just doesnt fall back off.
Good Luck to you
you have come such a long way and a great inspiration to MANY people on here. dont beat yourself up to bad, u seem to be getting back on tack
Susan
Thanks Sue.
Yes....I agree with the restaurant/food court thing. I think to myself "really...do you REALLY need all that?" And then I remember...I once "needed" it...ok, none of us EVER needed it, but it's what we did. And I feel hypocritical saying it....but it's what happens.
I've gotten beyond beating myself up and moved on to looking ahead. Much better place, looking ahead!
Yes....I agree with the restaurant/food court thing. I think to myself "really...do you REALLY need all that?" And then I remember...I once "needed" it...ok, none of us EVER needed it, but it's what we did. And I feel hypocritical saying it....but it's what happens.
I've gotten beyond beating myself up and moved on to looking ahead. Much better place, looking ahead!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
Pam.. this is a great post. You talk about everything from failure, to success, to realization, to growth!
You are a major inspiration to me and a reminder that I am not done yet. I still have lbs to lose. I still have my relationship with food to fix. I still need to get into the gym on a consistent basis.
Keep up the great work and keep on successing. We are all here for you!! (and we LOVE your baked goods).. just sayin'!
You are a major inspiration to me and a reminder that I am not done yet. I still have lbs to lose. I still have my relationship with food to fix. I still need to get into the gym on a consistent basis.
Keep up the great work and keep on successing. We are all here for you!! (and we LOVE your baked goods).. just sayin'!
My tracker
hers 
Dear Pam,
What an inspirational post! It is reassuring to know that we are not alone in this journey. It really helps to hear that you still have that mindset to success. I have been struggling as well with a plateau for the last five months! I know part of it is because I have not been exercising nearly as much as I should! Ok, I SAID IT!! Reading this post really reminds me that our tool does not expire or stop working, we just have to use the tool!! Now, if the doctors could fix our heads AND our stomachs at the same time wouldn't that be GREAT!!
Congrats on three years of successing!
Beth
What an inspirational post! It is reassuring to know that we are not alone in this journey. It really helps to hear that you still have that mindset to success. I have been struggling as well with a plateau for the last five months! I know part of it is because I have not been exercising nearly as much as I should! Ok, I SAID IT!! Reading this post really reminds me that our tool does not expire or stop working, we just have to use the tool!! Now, if the doctors could fix our heads AND our stomachs at the same time wouldn't that be GREAT!!
Congrats on three years of successing!
Beth
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Congratulations PAM on 3 years of successing!!!!!
You are an inspiration to those of us who are now following and walking in those same footsteps you have walked.
You are a beautiful, loving, supportive, amazing, stong, assertive, young woman.
Here's to the rest of your life and this wonderful journey!!!!!
Ida
IdaMae
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