Where the rubber meets the road
Sorry folks, this is going to be a longish one...
So. I haven't been on here in about a week or a little more, for any substantive posting, although I've read a few posts along the way. It's been a truly hellish week at work, with a major security issue and a set of tangential related issues that just kept piling on... all of which ended up (for a variety of good reasons) in my lap. I spent days not sleeping, worrying, working to ensure that everything was locked down and repaired, dealing with unhappy end users, dealing with my boss and everyone else. This has truly been the worst week in my career.
I have been depressed, angry, hurt, scared, insecure, had my confidence seriously shattered.
There was a point this week where I realized that I was NOT in control of my life, or of what was happening, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't "fix" the problem, couldn't control it, couldn't guide its evolution beyond a very small bit. That day was a really bad one. I started eating and had a hard time stopping... an old-style binge for me. I couldn't eat it all at one sitting, so spread it out over the day. I managed, however, to restrict it to low fat and sugar free homemade ice cream and a few other "legal" foods. I stayed away from a full-blown, eat till you drop/get sick, binge on my old binging foods (HIGH carbs), and felt like I retained SOME self-control in choosing foods. I was able to articulate in the heat of the moment to some of my non-WLS friends and even my boss about how I was feeling and how tempted I was do dive into a vat of carbs. That's something I would never, ever have mentioned in the past. Their responses were so positive and supportive and helped.
The good news is that other than that one day, I managed to keep a modicum of control. It wasn't my best week ever, but it also wasn't my worst. My weight stayed the same all week. I kept up my hydration. I got my ass to the gym 4 times.
I have hope that this will improve in the next week (don't want to jinx it) and I am feeling better and a little more back in the driver's seat in my life... feeling like I can continue to cope and will continue to practice my abstinence in all the ways I can. Had this happened a few years ago, I really shudder to think what it would have done to my eating and my coping. I don't think I would have come out of it at all healthy or sane.
If you've read this far, thanks for your continued support and love.
Karen
So. I haven't been on here in about a week or a little more, for any substantive posting, although I've read a few posts along the way. It's been a truly hellish week at work, with a major security issue and a set of tangential related issues that just kept piling on... all of which ended up (for a variety of good reasons) in my lap. I spent days not sleeping, worrying, working to ensure that everything was locked down and repaired, dealing with unhappy end users, dealing with my boss and everyone else. This has truly been the worst week in my career.
I have been depressed, angry, hurt, scared, insecure, had my confidence seriously shattered.
There was a point this week where I realized that I was NOT in control of my life, or of what was happening, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't "fix" the problem, couldn't control it, couldn't guide its evolution beyond a very small bit. That day was a really bad one. I started eating and had a hard time stopping... an old-style binge for me. I couldn't eat it all at one sitting, so spread it out over the day. I managed, however, to restrict it to low fat and sugar free homemade ice cream and a few other "legal" foods. I stayed away from a full-blown, eat till you drop/get sick, binge on my old binging foods (HIGH carbs), and felt like I retained SOME self-control in choosing foods. I was able to articulate in the heat of the moment to some of my non-WLS friends and even my boss about how I was feeling and how tempted I was do dive into a vat of carbs. That's something I would never, ever have mentioned in the past. Their responses were so positive and supportive and helped.
The good news is that other than that one day, I managed to keep a modicum of control. It wasn't my best week ever, but it also wasn't my worst. My weight stayed the same all week. I kept up my hydration. I got my ass to the gym 4 times.
I have hope that this will improve in the next week (don't want to jinx it) and I am feeling better and a little more back in the driver's seat in my life... feeling like I can continue to cope and will continue to practice my abstinence in all the ways I can. Had this happened a few years ago, I really shudder to think what it would have done to my eating and my coping. I don't think I would have come out of it at all healthy or sane.
If you've read this far, thanks for your continued support and love.
Karen
Sorry you had a rough week. We were actually talking a bit about you today because we haven't seen you on line as much...
I'M PROUD OF YOU for sticking to safer food choices and not eating til you puked.
The way you handle this whole journey has been truly amazing. For someone who does not have the same "tubes" as the others, you are doing one hell of a job.
Work has to get better b/c it can't get much worse, right ???
Keep your head up. MUCH LOVE!!
I'M PROUD OF YOU for sticking to safer food choices and not eating til you puked.
The way you handle this whole journey has been truly amazing. For someone who does not have the same "tubes" as the others, you are doing one hell of a job.
Work has to get better b/c it can't get much worse, right ???
Keep your head up. MUCH LOVE!!
My tracker
hers 
Karen,
I give you way more credit than me this week. I have once again succumbed to the sugar monster. I don't quite make myself sick but I come close to it. Congratulations on how you handled the stress in your life. The good thing is that I just try and begin again the next day. Today I am preparing my food for the week because that is where I start getting in trouble by not being prepared. I am also going to try and participate more on the boards than I have been. Am looking forward to the November support group. Just been noticing that a lot of the people that started on this board with us aren't around anymore. Also not seeing as many of the familiar faces at Barix. That's making me a little nervous because I don't want to forget that support is the reason that I can do this journey.
Sorry for hijacking your post but it was what I needed to be honest with myself about what is going on in my life right now. Take care sweetie. You are doing an awesome job.
Love, Donna
I give you way more credit than me this week. I have once again succumbed to the sugar monster. I don't quite make myself sick but I come close to it. Congratulations on how you handled the stress in your life. The good thing is that I just try and begin again the next day. Today I am preparing my food for the week because that is where I start getting in trouble by not being prepared. I am also going to try and participate more on the boards than I have been. Am looking forward to the November support group. Just been noticing that a lot of the people that started on this board with us aren't around anymore. Also not seeing as many of the familiar faces at Barix. That's making me a little nervous because I don't want to forget that support is the reason that I can do this journey.
Sorry for hijacking your post but it was what I needed to be honest with myself about what is going on in my life right now. Take care sweetie. You are doing an awesome job.
Love, Donna
Donna,
Don't ever apologize for "hijacking" ... it was very much on topic. I foudn this week that "a day at a time" was too long for me - there were long stretches of "5 minutes at a time" and "a bite at a time" going on. In dealing with the sugar monster, that might be another way to cope.
I agree that planning is truly a life-saver. I pack my food for the next day as part of my nighttime ritual... right alongside packing my gym bag. It keeps me honest - I've ruled out going to the cafeteria as an option for myself (except occasionally to get ice to re-fuel my drink bottle), so if I don't bring it, I don't eat it. Therefore my tough times are at night, when I have a full pantry and fridge to choose from.
Getting to support group wasn't in the cards for me despite my best intentions last week - it was at the height of the crisis and as much as i wanted to go, i much more needed the down time of just going home. Wouldn't have been good company.
I'm hopeful that this week will be on the up-swing at work and that I can get ahead of the crisis instead of simply being reactive. That will go a long way to decreasing my stress.
Hang in there, Donna - keep the faith and just take it a step at a time, no matter how big that step is. Turn it around and begin again with the next step (hour, day, bite, whatever). We will continue to walk this path together and continue to support each other through whatever comes.
Karen
Don't ever apologize for "hijacking" ... it was very much on topic. I foudn this week that "a day at a time" was too long for me - there were long stretches of "5 minutes at a time" and "a bite at a time" going on. In dealing with the sugar monster, that might be another way to cope.
I agree that planning is truly a life-saver. I pack my food for the next day as part of my nighttime ritual... right alongside packing my gym bag. It keeps me honest - I've ruled out going to the cafeteria as an option for myself (except occasionally to get ice to re-fuel my drink bottle), so if I don't bring it, I don't eat it. Therefore my tough times are at night, when I have a full pantry and fridge to choose from.
Getting to support group wasn't in the cards for me despite my best intentions last week - it was at the height of the crisis and as much as i wanted to go, i much more needed the down time of just going home. Wouldn't have been good company.
I'm hopeful that this week will be on the up-swing at work and that I can get ahead of the crisis instead of simply being reactive. That will go a long way to decreasing my stress.
Hang in there, Donna - keep the faith and just take it a step at a time, no matter how big that step is. Turn it around and begin again with the next step (hour, day, bite, whatever). We will continue to walk this path together and continue to support each other through whatever comes.
Karen
Karen I always have so many thoughts and feelings about posts like this and never seem to be able to get them together. Like I have said to you before you and I tend to think alot alike, we get very cerebral about this process. We think and logic our way sometimes out of JUST DOING SOMETHING. What you did do, is you understood what was going on, you surrendered to it but only so far. That is a huge improvement over several years ago where you would not only have surrendered you would have jumped in both feet, wallowed in it and punished yourself.
You showed that you know how to slip and slide but stay on the track in the long run. Your transparency is exactly what will save you. Remember this is what I tell myself. Each slip, each slide and each lb, gained or lost is valueable information to help teach me where I need to be and what to do. If we learn from it then it was worth it.
Love to you and I am glad you reached out.
nicole
You showed that you know how to slip and slide but stay on the track in the long run. Your transparency is exactly what will save you. Remember this is what I tell myself. Each slip, each slide and each lb, gained or lost is valueable information to help teach me where I need to be and what to do. If we learn from it then it was worth it.
Love to you and I am glad you reached out.
nicole
Each day is an adventure but noone ever said that all adventures are fun. I hope that life will make that turn for you, the one that shows you how important you are to the universe and how much you mean to so many people. That alone can be the spark that redirects negative energy and flows it off to another part of the world.
Your posts of honesty and heart continue to be the motivation I need to make my life and habits better.
thank you Karen.
Your posts of honesty and heart continue to be the motivation I need to make my life and habits better.
thank you Karen.
Sandra 
So let's see....
You recognized your feelings, you recognized your normal reactions, you recognized WHY you wanted to do what you wanted to do.
You went to the gym 4 times
You ate mostly legal foods
You talked to your co workers
Hmmmm...sounds pretty damn in control of your life to me. Maybe not some CIR****TANCES in your life, but that's the thing about some cir****tances...we don't go looking for it...they just find us and we have to deal with them.
Love you honey, keep up the GREAT work!
P
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
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