struggles and control
Maura,
Yep - self-care doesn't come easily, when your whole life has been focused outwardly on ensuring that others' needs are met first. For me, that was what was modeled by my mother and my grandmother, so I truly internalized that "normal" (and being a "good" wife/mother) meant that your own needs/desires came dead last if at all. Taking time to care for me was always accompanied by guilt and apology, and consequently was rushed through and minimized.
In the past year, I've really watched "normal" people's behavior. They don't seem to feel guilty for taking a day to enjoy themselves... or going to the movies even if their spouse doesn't want to go... or spending a couple of dollars on nice nailpolish... or the biggie--- saying NO (about whatever). Those things still come hard for me and certainly don't come naturally.
I've made a bit of self-care part of my daily routine.. taking 15 minutes each night to pack my food for the next day for work, selecting my clothes and packing my gym bag for the next morning. It makes a tremendous difference in how I feel, how organized I am, and my ability to actually GO to the gym - no excuses. Now if I could figure out how to handle that type of care for myself on days when I don't work (weekends, holidays, vacation), I'd be in much better shape. Haha.
In short, Maura (i know - too late for that), I think part of the solution is to build caring for YOU into every day, even in small ways. It can help combat workaholism, which for me was always tied into having to "prove myself" in some way as being "worthy" of the money I was being paid. It's all about balance.
Hugs,
Karen
Yep - self-care doesn't come easily, when your whole life has been focused outwardly on ensuring that others' needs are met first. For me, that was what was modeled by my mother and my grandmother, so I truly internalized that "normal" (and being a "good" wife/mother) meant that your own needs/desires came dead last if at all. Taking time to care for me was always accompanied by guilt and apology, and consequently was rushed through and minimized.
In the past year, I've really watched "normal" people's behavior. They don't seem to feel guilty for taking a day to enjoy themselves... or going to the movies even if their spouse doesn't want to go... or spending a couple of dollars on nice nailpolish... or the biggie--- saying NO (about whatever). Those things still come hard for me and certainly don't come naturally.
I've made a bit of self-care part of my daily routine.. taking 15 minutes each night to pack my food for the next day for work, selecting my clothes and packing my gym bag for the next morning. It makes a tremendous difference in how I feel, how organized I am, and my ability to actually GO to the gym - no excuses. Now if I could figure out how to handle that type of care for myself on days when I don't work (weekends, holidays, vacation), I'd be in much better shape. Haha.
In short, Maura (i know - too late for that), I think part of the solution is to build caring for YOU into every day, even in small ways. It can help combat workaholism, which for me was always tied into having to "prove myself" in some way as being "worthy" of the money I was being paid. It's all about balance.
Hugs,
Karen
Hey Karen I had a thought this am. I am also very cerebral like you. I read I study, I learn. I AM CRAP AT PRACTICE. maybe we need to do some kind of practice activties. Or a weekend away at a spa would be nice too LOL. sometimes we just have to decide if we are lying to ourselves, if we are we have to be brutaly honest and then deal with the REAL stuff
Hey sweetie,
I too am right along side of you. I've gotten some control back, and exercise is more of a priority than it was as of recent history - but I definately have many more issues to work through.
I don't have any answers - but do have ability to say we will all do this together, no matter what it takes. We will not allow each other to fall!
I too am right along side of you. I've gotten some control back, and exercise is more of a priority than it was as of recent history - but I definately have many more issues to work through.
I don't have any answers - but do have ability to say we will all do this together, no matter what it takes. We will not allow each other to fall!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Karen,
As usual, your post is very thoughtful and full of honesty and looking towards a solution long-term and that is what 12-Step stuff is about, changing our mindset and realizing that we don't necessarily have the solutions without asking for help and then keeping an open mind towards getting help.
As for the God concept of the 12 Steps, while I believe in one, it is not some diety that I go to church to connect with, I connect with that through people, as one concept of my childhood religion taught us, we are created in the image and likeness of God, so if that concept is to be believed and I do believe it, it exists in each and every person we come in contact with and by tapping into that, we get what we need. . .
From my experience within living the principles associated with 12 Step Fellowships, I can tell you that whenever we change something, it takes constant vigilance and self nurturing to effect the change long-term and because what we are doing is a relatively new approach to living life, I think it normal to go through these experiences and that is why many of us struggle the way we do.
I, like you, am now finding that there is more going on with me than the past 23 years has equiped me to deal with, that and the reality of other changes that have occurred over the past 18 months are hitting me hard. The positives are that we recognize the need for more and are accepting it, which makes way for the next part of things, the action to change our thinking and reactions to meet up with the new us that has emerged.
Karen, thanks for sharing your journey and I, too, appreciate all the love and support that is here for the taking. . .
Laureen
As usual, your post is very thoughtful and full of honesty and looking towards a solution long-term and that is what 12-Step stuff is about, changing our mindset and realizing that we don't necessarily have the solutions without asking for help and then keeping an open mind towards getting help.
As for the God concept of the 12 Steps, while I believe in one, it is not some diety that I go to church to connect with, I connect with that through people, as one concept of my childhood religion taught us, we are created in the image and likeness of God, so if that concept is to be believed and I do believe it, it exists in each and every person we come in contact with and by tapping into that, we get what we need. . .
From my experience within living the principles associated with 12 Step Fellowships, I can tell you that whenever we change something, it takes constant vigilance and self nurturing to effect the change long-term and because what we are doing is a relatively new approach to living life, I think it normal to go through these experiences and that is why many of us struggle the way we do.
I, like you, am now finding that there is more going on with me than the past 23 years has equiped me to deal with, that and the reality of other changes that have occurred over the past 18 months are hitting me hard. The positives are that we recognize the need for more and are accepting it, which makes way for the next part of things, the action to change our thinking and reactions to meet up with the new us that has emerged.
Karen, thanks for sharing your journey and I, too, appreciate all the love and support that is here for the taking. . .
Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Thanks, Laureen - I was really hoping to hear perspectives on this from some of the folks who have been supporting their successing through 12-steps. I'm not so much concerned with the God part in and of itself, because as a spiritual person I do relate to deity and spirit... the concept of "relinquishing control" as I've been hearing it discussed, is what I cannot envision myself practicing or embracing. For people to rave about how relinquishing control of their eating and how that has helped them heal their addictions sounds to me like a recipe for my own personal disaster... I need to control myself, to make conscious decisions about what goes into my mouth, to actively monitor my weight and fitness levels, and to be an active/proactive participant in my choices. Perhaps I've just been hearing people on the extreme - hard to say - but it's just not sounding like a positive choice for ME and my personality. Certainly takes nothing away from the millions of people for whom it IS a positive model and tool.
And I'm not rejecting it outright - just not feeling it's right for me but will continue to read and listen.
Thanks, as always, Laureen for sharing your journey and your insights.
Karen
And I'm not rejecting it outright - just not feeling it's right for me but will continue to read and listen.
Thanks, as always, Laureen for sharing your journey and your insights.
Karen
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