Darned Addict Brain

Of course, mentally i use stronger language about my addict-brain, but this IS a public forum.  Sigh.

My name is Karen and I'm a compulsive overeater.

My addict-brain has been fighting back lately, and I'm really getting pissed at it.  Negative messages are flowing in and it even has taken over control of my decision-making center a couple of times, leading to near-binges (in post-WLS terms... nothing near pre-surg binges in scope or size or content) and poor decisions.  Poor decisions like "sleep in, you can skip a day or two of exercise" and "go ahead - eat the tortilla bowl for your salad, how much fat and carbs could that really be?"  Sigh.  

I feel like I did really well up until a bit after reaching the one year mark.  It was like that flipped a switch in my brain, though, because at that point, something odd took over - the "ok, you did it.  done.  now we can get back to what we used to do" mentality.  VERY odd.  I've been fighting it, and trying to understand it.  But the last 3 weeks have really been a struggle to not fall back into binge-eating behaviors, secretive eating, and answering the call of sugar.   I've eaten carbs and fatty foods that I know I should have avoided, in small quantities.  But I've also eaten portions that I know I shouldn't have... physiologically, I can "fit" it (because of my pouch oddity), but that doesn't mean I SHOULD fit it. 

Before leaving for Boston, I packed food to take with me.  I brought my magic bullet, pre-measured baggies of protein powder and PB2 for breakfasts, some SF granola for my yogurts, etc.  I also WAY overpacked on snacky stuff for myself - baggies of pistachios, cashews, popchips, and cereal mix.  A bag of SF chocolate that I somehow managed to leave home accidentally (thanksfully!) Each (except for the choc)  is healthy and allowable in a planned way on its own, but I took far more than I would eat in the 3 days I was gone.  But a weird psychology was at work, where it was like I was literally afraid of being away from "my friendly foods."  I didn't eat many of them while I was there, thankfully, but I took comfort in having them with me.  That's messed up, frankly... and scared me.  It's the mindset I "used" to have and harkens back to the old binge-eating days.

So my challenge to myself for the next week is to work on getting my head back where it needs to be and my behaviors back to where they need to be, too.  That includes getting myself to the gym and doing the workout I really NEED to be doing there, and includes eating according to plan and ONLY according to plan.  Being accountable and honest to myself and to my community (that's you guys).

the farther I go on this journey, the more that Shauna's term "successING" resonates with me, and the more I really understand what the challenge in it is. 

i thank you all so much for being there, supporting me, understanding the journey, and sharing in the travels.  I have never before in my entire life been able to be  totally honest with a community (or an individual) about my compulsions in this journey and my struggles with binging and other addictive behaviors.  Being honest and open about them is helping me face them and deal with them, and I truly have hope that I can use this to ultimately get the upper hand in controlling them.

Thank you all,
Karen

Karen,
I love reading your posts. You are so brutally honest in your advise that you give newbies but you also share your own personal stuggles with everyone that being said you need support and you came here. You and I both know that is the first step to successing. The support you need is here on this forum and at the post-op meetings. I don't like excercising everyday but do so because I fall off the wagon at least 3 to sometimes 4 times a week. I make some sort of bad choice thinking that I can burn the calories off. I have regained 15lbs because of some of those bad choices. I still weight myself once a day sometimes once a week if I am super busy but I have to say that the further you are from your surgery the harder it gets and you know that what with your partial gastric bypass. I commend you for your honesty and the ability to share your struggles. Says one releapser to another. Hang in there you are not alone. In the meanwhile lots of cyberhugs coming your way. You truly have done fabulous on your WLS journey and nobody is more proud of you than Dr. P you know that and I know that. So dust yourself off woman and get right back on the wagon. I do it every single day IT can be done. Love ya.

Karen, so sorry you are struggling.  It's so hard to be at this point in the journey.  I would have to think that you are AT or pretty damn near your goal weight and I can understand why your addict brain would think it's ok to start slacking off. 

Good thing you recognize it and are planning to do something about it.  I have gotten back on the gym wagon this week and am still working on the food wagon.  It's a tough road, but we can do it together!

You are taking the proper steps including coming to us and admitting your struggles and looking for support.

Hang in there.  I have every faith that you can get your head back in the game.

I have been dealing with this... not quite like that.. but close... they push you to eat so much while pregnant... and then to kind of keep at it when you are breast feeding... and most of the time i have good days but there are days where that carb monster is right there saying EAT ME... which doesn't help because my PCOS is flairing up... which makes the cravings worse... but i just can't seem to kick start the weight loss... there are times where the weight seems to be coming off to only come back... blah... it sucks being a girl lol...

Karen,
I too love your posts.  they have been so insightful and helpful.  i am looking forward to meeting you on Sunday at the trailride.  My brain has been acting up lately too.
-Sara

So, I'll be honest, I have started to type a response twice already and am not quite sure what to say because binging, overeating and "secret eating" are the same behaviours that got me to where I was before surgery and they are the biggest demons that I struggle with.

I think that all I can say is that we need to support one another, hold each other accountable and kick each others arse's when needed. 

What you have accomplished is absolutely amazing and has required a strength beyond what most require, so you possess that strength there to call on.  Don't doubt what you are capable of.  You CAN and WILL do this.  You CAN and WILL exhibit Control.  You HAVE Power over these feelings and actions. You will continue to Succeed.

You have a sounding board in every single one of us.

xoxo,

Maura

I know what you mean about the food packing--anytime I take a trip of more than an hour I take beef jerky, apple, protein bars, water, nuts. It's as if I'm afraid I won't be able to find something I KNOW I can safely eat. Of course, then I have to deal with the fact that this supply is right next to me on the passenger seat.

Sigh. At least I'm eating the right things.

Karen,

You are sharing exactly how it's been for me the past few months, I was doing ok, but since I had my posion ivy, I've had incredible binges and while not all of it was "bad" food choices, I have been grazing way too often. . .  the scale has shown the effects to the tune of 7 lbs. and I need to get back to the basics. . .  the carb monster has taken over and I need to purge my home of all carb sources that are not fruit and vegetables. . .  enough said, now is the time to take back the control. . .

Thank you for your honesty and helping express for me, what and how I've been handling life lately. . .

Laureen

Great big hugs and powerful strength being sent.  You can do this.  You can get back on the wagon. 
Just having that post can help you get your head back in the game.

We are all there with you. 

YES YOU CAN  do this!!!!!!!

Karen

Very well said and unfortunately I think this can apply to so many of us a year and over.  I think the one thing saving me from weight gain is my daily visits to the gym and / or Zumba.  I, too have eaten way too big of portions and  can't believe that I was able to tolerate it all.  I didn't head pouch warning and overstuffed.  My downfall is carbs and hot summer days always trigger a desire for ice cream.  This life long journey is not easy but I am determined to make it this time.   We were warned that our old brain would kick in and many of us in our early days could not imagine that happening.  

We have people ask us all the time, "how's it possible to gain weight back?"   It is very possible and it will happen if we do not put a stop to it as soon as we are aware.  Denial is the worst.  That's how I got to 254 pounds.  I actually was able to deny that the scale was going up and my clothes were getting tighter.  Now I know that I am engaged in a daily battle with my head.  I must face reality and stay aware  all times knowing which habits so quickly try to take over.  I feel that I am fighting daily to keep the weight off.   It feels like my body can quickly win out over my head.  It fights me because it so easily shows me how simple it is to gain.  

Knowing that we can share this and be honest to others is an important part of this process.  So I thank you for putting it out there for all of us.  

My name is Arlene and I am a compulsive overeater.