Just wanted to put this out there for the newbies...
One concern I have about your post is what difference does it make if the girls are lesbians? I can understand your concern if the girls are getting into trouble. I don't understand what their sexual preference has to do with anything. If she does end up with lesbian tendencies or even decides this is the lifestyle she chooses to live, are you going to love her any less?
One piece of advice I have for you regarding your oldest daughter is just to remind her of the way she was raised and that you hope that she is smart enough to stay away from girls who are trouble. Peer pressure is all around and it is very difficult to be strong and do your own thing. If she does get herself into trouble, hopefully she will learn from it and grow and not make the same mistake twice. Sometimes we have to let them make mistakes so they can learn from it.
One piece of advice I have for you regarding your oldest daughter is just to remind her of the way she was raised and that you hope that she is smart enough to stay away from girls who are trouble. Peer pressure is all around and it is very difficult to be strong and do your own thing. If she does get herself into trouble, hopefully she will learn from it and grow and not make the same mistake twice. Sometimes we have to let them make mistakes so they can learn from it.
My tracker
hers 
I was deeply troubled by your post about your response to your daughter's friends. Trust issues abound with teenagers, even the very best of them. I know - my youngest just turned 18 and my oldest is turning 21 (both girls). The key is to understand that you've given them an education in their early lives about how to make choices and judgements, and then to learn to stand back and let them stand on their own. They have to develop the muscles (ethics, morals) that will enable them to stand on their own for their whole lives because you cannot continue to make judgements for them.
Why don't you like her friends? Is it because they are lesbians? (and keep in mind that a lot of girls today "dabble" in it because it's "cool" rather than because it's their true orientation - part of normal teenage differentiation stage...) Or are they getting into trouble in deeper and more objective ways (shoplifting, drugs, whatever)?
If your true "fear" is that your daughter is a lesbian, then you need to think through that fear pretty carefully. What scares you about that IF it's true? Will you reject your daughter and never speak with her again? Are you afraid that she will be judged by the world? Or that acknowledging her orientation will change her in some fundamental way? Or saddened that you'll "never have grandbabies from her"? Or that you'll have to explain to your family/friends that she's gay? Are any of those things REALLY TRUE? Or if they are, are they really so bad in the grand scheme of things? I urge you to get in touch with PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays - pflag.org) and get support and information to help YOU through the process if you feel she's gay. Many parents who have struggled with the same issues have found that they are not alone and have found value in the information and tools offered by PFLAG. Ultimately, the question to ask yourself is "Is it worth destroying my relationship with my daughter over this issue?"
My daughters have friends who are straight, lesbian, bi, gay, and transgendered. They have friends of virtually all religions. My daughter in college has friends from all over the world, including the Sudan, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. Each one of those friends has "lit a spark" in my girls - sharing an experience and a world-view that they would not otherwise have been exposed to from their own personal experience. That doesn't mean that my daughters have "become" their friends, but they have been enriched and educated by having them as friends. In fact, our whole family has been enriched by having this extended circle of wonderful humanity brought into it. We've tried new foods, listened to new music, and had sometimes-challenging but always thought-provoking conversations and debates. But the key is to be OPEN to hearing the value and the message brought by the other points of view.
Closed minds stagnate. They become self-referential and can't grow, just as a plant in too small a pot will never thrive.
You're welcome to PM me or call me (267-261-1582) if you want to talk through this issue (or any other support issue). I'm certainly open to discussion and to help in any way I can.
Karen
Why don't you like her friends? Is it because they are lesbians? (and keep in mind that a lot of girls today "dabble" in it because it's "cool" rather than because it's their true orientation - part of normal teenage differentiation stage...) Or are they getting into trouble in deeper and more objective ways (shoplifting, drugs, whatever)?
If your true "fear" is that your daughter is a lesbian, then you need to think through that fear pretty carefully. What scares you about that IF it's true? Will you reject your daughter and never speak with her again? Are you afraid that she will be judged by the world? Or that acknowledging her orientation will change her in some fundamental way? Or saddened that you'll "never have grandbabies from her"? Or that you'll have to explain to your family/friends that she's gay? Are any of those things REALLY TRUE? Or if they are, are they really so bad in the grand scheme of things? I urge you to get in touch with PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays - pflag.org) and get support and information to help YOU through the process if you feel she's gay. Many parents who have struggled with the same issues have found that they are not alone and have found value in the information and tools offered by PFLAG. Ultimately, the question to ask yourself is "Is it worth destroying my relationship with my daughter over this issue?"
My daughters have friends who are straight, lesbian, bi, gay, and transgendered. They have friends of virtually all religions. My daughter in college has friends from all over the world, including the Sudan, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. Each one of those friends has "lit a spark" in my girls - sharing an experience and a world-view that they would not otherwise have been exposed to from their own personal experience. That doesn't mean that my daughters have "become" their friends, but they have been enriched and educated by having them as friends. In fact, our whole family has been enriched by having this extended circle of wonderful humanity brought into it. We've tried new foods, listened to new music, and had sometimes-challenging but always thought-provoking conversations and debates. But the key is to be OPEN to hearing the value and the message brought by the other points of view.
Closed minds stagnate. They become self-referential and can't grow, just as a plant in too small a pot will never thrive.
You're welcome to PM me or call me (267-261-1582) if you want to talk through this issue (or any other support issue). I'm certainly open to discussion and to help in any way I can.
Karen
I think we know you well enough for anything :) And it doesn't matter if we do or not - you're part of us so throw anything and everything at us.
I know it doesn't replace "eating" (god do I know this...from being at work and inhaling graham crackers and saltines one after another on busy shifts lol) but what about ice? Chewing on that to help with stress...or gum. currently I'm munching on some celery. Ok ok...so it's NOT helping the mind of wanting damn saltines...but it IS helping me pass some time and not eat crackers.
Good luck to you - I too happen to love "seek and estroy" My husband and his best friend to this day are called "Chaos and Destruction" so I know what you're getting at :)
I know it doesn't replace "eating" (god do I know this...from being at work and inhaling graham crackers and saltines one after another on busy shifts lol) but what about ice? Chewing on that to help with stress...or gum. currently I'm munching on some celery. Ok ok...so it's NOT helping the mind of wanting damn saltines...but it IS helping me pass some time and not eat crackers.
Good luck to you - I too happen to love "seek and estroy" My husband and his best friend to this day are called "Chaos and Destruction" so I know what you're getting at :)
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
oh support support.. where I would be without the support of this board.
I have been through so much in the past year and a half since I joined this board. I can't even begin to tell you how much everyone here has helped me. Everyone here is so wonderful.
One example, which I know I've shared before.. Liz had a cooking class scheduled for 9/26. My father passed away on 9/25. Where was I on 9/26? Where else would I be?? At Liz's. Nobody was surprised to see me there. The people on this board are my family. I have very little in the way of blood relatives and the only one I am close with is my 11 year old daughter.
This is just 1 of the 100's of times the people here have helped me get through something that is not surgery related.
AND yes, we WILL track you down.. because we care!
I have been through so much in the past year and a half since I joined this board. I can't even begin to tell you how much everyone here has helped me. Everyone here is so wonderful.
One example, which I know I've shared before.. Liz had a cooking class scheduled for 9/26. My father passed away on 9/25. Where was I on 9/26? Where else would I be?? At Liz's. Nobody was surprised to see me there. The people on this board are my family. I have very little in the way of blood relatives and the only one I am close with is my 11 year old daughter.
This is just 1 of the 100's of times the people here have helped me get through something that is not surgery related.
AND yes, we WILL track you down.. because we care!
My tracker
hers
And I have posted about the situation with my mom - venting in a different way has helped..
as we touched on in our support group on Saturday, I have become more outspoken since my surgery - I was thinking to myself....what's wrong with me.. why I am speaking up for myself!!?? I don't do that.. who have I become? What, some weight loss and I think I can push back? Steffi helped put it in perspective.. I used to suppress those comments with food - I am changing my ways and not being as much of a doormat - I used to eat my comments (literally, the comments were just doublesized, had butter, mayo or sugar on them when I did it).
This board can also help you to get things off of your chest, vent and stop internalizing.
Oh - and by the way.. Mom didn't excercise on Sat or Sunday... guess who I'm calling on the way home!! It really stinks when the child becomes the parent!
Lurkers come out - Join us!
xoxo,
Maura
as we touched on in our support group on Saturday, I have become more outspoken since my surgery - I was thinking to myself....what's wrong with me.. why I am speaking up for myself!!?? I don't do that.. who have I become? What, some weight loss and I think I can push back? Steffi helped put it in perspective.. I used to suppress those comments with food - I am changing my ways and not being as much of a doormat - I used to eat my comments (literally, the comments were just doublesized, had butter, mayo or sugar on them when I did it).
This board can also help you to get things off of your chest, vent and stop internalizing.
Oh - and by the way.. Mom didn't excercise on Sat or Sunday... guess who I'm calling on the way home!! It really stinks when the child becomes the parent!
Lurkers come out - Join us!
xoxo,
Maura
Maura
I've taken to browsing the RNY board and occasionally the Main Board, and pointing anyone her who is from PA.
This group is the BEST. I still feel very new to RNY, new to the Barix group, and new to the board...but you all have been welcoming, informative, and wonderfully kind.
My best example of "on the spot" support was in the midst of my one and only dumping episode. I was SO sick! I even called Mike to come home from work. In the meantime, I jumped on line and within 2 minutes, there was Liz, assuring me that it was ok to call the doctor, and correctly telling me what was probably going on.
I love it too that we are not all about sickening sweetness no matter what. We are accountable to one another. We offer help when needed, and a kick in the ass when that's needed too!
This group is the BEST. I still feel very new to RNY, new to the Barix group, and new to the board...but you all have been welcoming, informative, and wonderfully kind.
My best example of "on the spot" support was in the midst of my one and only dumping episode. I was SO sick! I even called Mike to come home from work. In the meantime, I jumped on line and within 2 minutes, there was Liz, assuring me that it was ok to call the doctor, and correctly telling me what was probably going on.
I love it too that we are not all about sickening sweetness no matter what. We are accountable to one another. We offer help when needed, and a kick in the ass when that's needed too!
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