OT Need Feedback LONG

I usually dont post about this type of stuff but I am wondering if I am the one who has lost their mind. This is OT and about Jason and I. The trend in our relationship pre and post op has been that he pretty much leaves all of the food decisions to me. I understand this because pre op I was always on some kind of plan....and post op obviously I had dietary concerns that were easier for me to address if I was the one who did the FOOD STUFF.  If we have not planned ahead on a weekend and it is like 8pm and we have not eaten eventually he will say what are we doing for dinner? Etc? Or I will ask him what do you want to do for dinner. He has no preference. 99% of the time if we go out to eat I have to pick it, out bring it in, get something and make it at home etc. There are times when I have forgotten to take something out, so then I am leaving work and running to the store so I will have something to make ( no a big fan of defrosting in the microwave) or waiting to see if he wants take out. We do alot of grocery shopping together, or farmers market together as well. BuT i do a fair amount as well on my own because I KNOW what we have and dont have in trying to make dinner decisions. So 2 weeks ago on a saturday night at 8pm when we once again had made no plan for dinner, I told him that I got tired of being the one to always have to make the food decisions for us. His reply was that he has no preferences and does not care and has never complained about my choices. I told him that I dont care either, so why do the decisions default to me then? I tried to explain that I get tired of thinkng about food. I have to shop for it, plan the menu, make sure it is thawed out, etc.

He then said well lets just make a spread sheet. We have pork on monday chicken on tuesday etc then you dont have to think and we dont have argue. The point is this. The chicken has to be bought, then you have to decide what to do with the chicken, grill it? Bake it? and with what sauce or seasoning? What sides do we want with it etc? Then he said well I will just take over the food then since it makes you unhappy. I dont like that as a solution either because I am about sharing things I dont think one person should always have to do something. he says I cook, when you need me to. I told him yes he does and I appreciate it, but I still have to tell him what to make, make sure it is in the house and that it has been taken out. So after 24 hrs of arguing I asked that he just be responsible for the food 2 days a week the days that I work 2 jobs. I dont want to have to think about the food, he will be responsible for deciding what to eat, getting it out and making it.

So last night was day 2 of that and I asked him how it felt to be responsible for the food 2 days...The point in asking him was to then tell him how it made me feel which was GREAT. I enjoyed it what he made was good and I loved not having to think about it. He got angry said I was patronizing him, and that I am making it out to be a PUNISHMENT in some way because he had no idea i had such anxiety about the food etc. It turned into another argument. The bottom line is this. He does not GET  why me having to be THE ONE to make the food choice sand such in the house causes me anxiety or stress, Somehow I cannot explain it to him in a way that makes sense. Am I the only person who feels this way or has found themselves here? What AM I FEELING? It is not that i just want to be unhappy and pick a random fight which is what it seems like to him. His solution is to just take over all the food stuff 7 days per week. BEcause if it makes me unhappy 2 days a week, it would 7 days a week. why would i want to be unhappy for just  2?? He also says that the days there was no plan for food, I never called him and asked him to pick anything up to make from the grocery store, he would have done that for me.

So I have no idea what to do or how to handle this but it a BIG deal for us at the moment. The biggest part of is that we dont understand one another and dont know how to communicate about it. I know it is long but any advice would be helpful.

OK first of all I am totally there with you. I do 100% of our meal planning, shopping, prep, cooking and serving. I love to cook so don't get me wrong - but I too sometimes hate figuring it out. SO now the night before I grocery shop I tell Chris to leave me a list with dinner suggestions for the week. I ask him to come up with at least 2 suggestions of what he wants. Granted we've been married 5 years and together 8 I know what he likes but I like the input too. I can't take him shopping with me because he is worse then a 2 year old and I end up with a cart full of crap! lol

I like your idea of putting Jason in charge of dinner on your 2 busy nights - no reason he can't do that. My "strategy" for dinner is when I get home at night and am prepping dinner for that night I dig through the freezer and take something out for tomorrow. The mornings are too early and too crazy for me to do it coherently then.

Another strategy I have for busy weeks is one day over the weekend (or whatever day you are off that week) I make dinner "bags". I'll put chicken breasts in a bag with the marinade. I'll also make a bag of cut up veggies ready to steam or prep. I then put both of these bags in 1 ziplock and toss them in the fridge - that might be monday's dinner "bag". I'll do the same thing for 2-3 days in the fridge. I also find it helpful that on grocery shopping day, I buy the "family packs" of meats because they are cheaper, I divide them up into serving sizes, marinate them and toss them in the freezer so when  I defrost they are ready to go!

I hope that you guys can get on the same page (I know how hard it is!) and if I can do anything to help you know about 10 ways to get me! lol

Love ya!

Liz

thanks Liz. I think part of our problem is that he is super logical and does not understand my stress. i am more emotional and abstract. Maybe I could do that just ask him for 2 suggestions. I know in the end I will still be in charge, unless I just let him have this responsibility. I appreciate the feedback

I always used to joke that the nights Chris made dinner was the nights he picked up our take-out!

Hi Nicole- my response probably wont be the popular one, but I'll assume that you are looking for feedback from all angles, so I'll throw my two cents in.

I think it's silly to fight over something so trivial.  Time spent fighting is wasted time that you will never get back.  Life is too short.  If it were me, I would enjoy the time that you have just being with each other and enjoying life. 

Dinner doesn't always have to be a set in stone plan.  If you have two late nights, let him fend for himself on those nights with a sandwich and then you do the same when you get home with some greek yogurt or something equally as easy.  No big deal.   I think Liz's idea about prepping food on Sunday's is also a good idea. 

I agree with Jason about patronizing him by asking him how he feels.  It sounds like you are trying to "therapize" your relationship by speaking to him as you might a client. 

Please don't hate me for my response.....You're one of my favorite people on this board  

Lisa

I dont hate you there are two sides to every story. Maybe rather than asking him how it felt I should have just told him how I felt first. We usually do not fight over silly things. Like with most fights it is not about the food. It is about out frustration about not being understood or heard, and not knowing how to get there. Feedback is always appreciated no matter what

I understand what you're saying - being the one who has to constantly decide what to make, how to make it, shop for it, etc. does get old, especially when you work full time and have to rush home at night to do it. I had been very spoiled for the past 18 years because my mom did all of the cooking, and up until she stopped driving a few years ago she also did the grocery shopping.

Now all that has fallen on my shoulders, and while I am actually enjoying cooking now and trying new things I do get annoyed at my husband because he'll ask what's for dinner and when I tell him and say 'Is that okay?' his pat answer is 'Do I have to cook it?' - which he knows he doesn't, but that's also his 'out' to not have to commit to whether he likes what I'm making or not. I told him the other night that is not the right answer - tell me if you don't like something - tell me if you want something else - and yes, he tried the whole spreadsheet thing with me, too - and it just doesn't work that way.

I know my husband isn't a good cook - he has no patience and I'm fine with that - but I would appreciate more help in the decision process of what to make sometimes - even when we order out I have to pick the place, then tell him what he likes? That's nuts.

Let's face it - basically they're damn lazy and its easier to let it up to us...but if that's the worst part of my marriage I can live with it because there are much bigger problems we could be facing.

Nicole,

I have no good advice or suggestions.

I do 100% of cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, planning and cleaning up of food. I don't really like it all the time. But there is NO way I would let Johnny make the food choices. He kinda gets what I can and can't eat, but not fully. Although I would love for him to make a meal sometimes, I would probably nit pick anyways because of what I allow myself to eat and what I let my kids eat. Just being honest. So the days I dread the food thinking/planning/cooking.......I end up sucking it up and coming up with something.

We just have an understanding........He does all the laundry and bathroom cleaning, I do all the cooking and dishes. Neither of us LOVE our chores but it keeps things equal so one person doesn't feel stressed about doing it all.

Nicole,

I had to laugh as I read your message - NOT because it's funny, but because you could substitute Eddie and me for you and Jason (and add "finances" in there as well as cooking).  We've had that same fight probably 10 or more times in the 22 years we've been married.  

Here's what I've come to as realizations and some things that have worked for us.  Take them or leave them - your mileage may vary, as Jason is a very different person than Eddie.

Realizations:
1.  The argument is not about food prep or finances.  It's about feeling "unsupported" or "undervalued" or about feeling like the other person isn't "invested" in the relationship.
2.  What I'm really asking for is partnership and engagement in decision-making, so that I don't feel responsible for making a choice that you "have" to live with, like it or not.  Even if I make good choices most of the time, I feel pressured to make those choices based on your unvoiced preferences, which adds stress.
3.  I will likely always be the one in our family who controls finances and does the majority of cooking/food planning, just because that's how it's played out.  There are other areas of our lives where Eddie takes the lead and I have little preference/voice in the process.  Things ultimately balance out, and we have to be able to call each other into our domains when we need help.

We've figure out that the following helps in general:
1.  Before any major food shopping trips by anyone, we do a little conference to plan what the next few days' meals will be, and whether there's anything else that anyone wants picked up.  Generally, that means planning and cooking 3 meals per week (dinners, that can be left over one night, and lunch fodder for a couple of days, ideally - like roast chicken, which has leftovers that can be turned into chicken salad or chicken soup for lunch).
2.  Eddie's on his own for planning/cooking/cleaning for himself on nights that I'm otherwise occupied (I teach, I have meetings, whatever).  He's a big boy, he can do it. 
3.  I plan my own nutritional needs.  If that overlaps with the dishes for the rest of the family, great!  Otherwise, it will be a tangent from them, but I'm responsible for my own stuff.  If they want mac and cheese, they're welcome to cook it and eat it.  I'll fix myself something that I can enjoy.
4.  I've stopped "thanking" Eddie and Becky for washing dishes as though they're doing ME a favor.    If they don't thank me for washing the dishes, why would I thank THEM for washing the dishes?  It's a family job, everyone needs to do it, and it should just get done.  I will honestly say that they are great about thanking me for cooking dinners (and I thank them when they cook dinner).  Generally, if one person cooks, the others clean up.

Does this mean it's never a source of contention?  Not at all... but it's gotten a helluva lot easier over the years as we've figured out our patterns of communication and comfort.  

Hang in there and try to get to what's REALLY bugging you... I'll bet it has nothing to do with food prep.

Hugs,
Karen

I LOVE #4. But sometimes it seems like the men in our lives have to remind us of what the did that day. "I mowed the grass, took out the trash and cleaned the bathroom" and now I want a thank you. NOPE! Want me to list what I did in a day and we'll compare! lol

OK so I have 17 years to go to get to your experience but I am trying to learn early! :)