OT Don't mind my vent
My friend I went shopping with yesterday for our girls day out....her husband and her have had a VERY hard time financially for years for multiple reasons, all very REAL reasons. Currently her husband is out of work for an unknown amount of time due to medical issues
Although Brian and I haven't really "bailed them out" per say - we have always treated them VERY well....whenever we get together we take them out to dinner, our treat...whenever we go anywhere, our treat....for her bday a few years ago I took her to NYC to see Rent....again...paid for tix, train fair, dinner in the city.....blah blah blah.
I'm not one to do things for "payback" by any means....I do it because I like to do it. Soooo....I had told her for this past Christmas I was going to buy her a coach purse cause she really wanted one and she's been drooling over mine for quite some time, and I know it's not something she would be able to afford. That was also part of the shopping trip yesterday...belated Christmas gift so she could pick it out herself. Which she did....and it's gorgeous (not my style - but gorgeous for her)
Went to dinner at the cheesecake factory - I had a gift card left over so we used that (I was actually glad we went there because Brian and I very rarely get there due to distance)
On our way out of the mall she says to me "do you mind if we stop at best buy?" No...of course not.
So on the way into best buy she begins to tell me that with her new job title (she is now a project "manager" for walmart who travels the country to re do stores and stuff....not a manager in salary, but a manager in title...) that she got a yearly bonus and procedes to tell me the AMOUNT of the bonus....which lemme tell you, was a hefty one. She had been talking for awhile about getting a laptop - to stay in touch via email and what not when she is traveling which is basically all the time. Fine. I agree with that purchase in this day in age.
We go into best buy...she goes from looking at a minimal bare basics thing to a higher one....and then procedes to buy a SECOND one for her husband...oh, and we might as well throw in a broadband card for her husband because they live in the middle of nowhere and still use dial up for their internet...which by the way comes with a $75 deposit, and a monthly useage fee comparable to a home phone number....
I was annoyed. And I'm not really sure I have the right to be annoyed....but really....you cry poor mouth to me constantly....I have willingly and lovingly treated you very well....and then when you DO have money....you A) tell me how much they gave you B) buy not only yourself a laptop but your husband one as well...did not offer to pay for anything (like the starbucks we go while shopping)...gas money to KOP from where she lives....nada
Am I being petty?
Although Brian and I haven't really "bailed them out" per say - we have always treated them VERY well....whenever we get together we take them out to dinner, our treat...whenever we go anywhere, our treat....for her bday a few years ago I took her to NYC to see Rent....again...paid for tix, train fair, dinner in the city.....blah blah blah.
I'm not one to do things for "payback" by any means....I do it because I like to do it. Soooo....I had told her for this past Christmas I was going to buy her a coach purse cause she really wanted one and she's been drooling over mine for quite some time, and I know it's not something she would be able to afford. That was also part of the shopping trip yesterday...belated Christmas gift so she could pick it out herself. Which she did....and it's gorgeous (not my style - but gorgeous for her)
Went to dinner at the cheesecake factory - I had a gift card left over so we used that (I was actually glad we went there because Brian and I very rarely get there due to distance)
On our way out of the mall she says to me "do you mind if we stop at best buy?" No...of course not.
So on the way into best buy she begins to tell me that with her new job title (she is now a project "manager" for walmart who travels the country to re do stores and stuff....not a manager in salary, but a manager in title...) that she got a yearly bonus and procedes to tell me the AMOUNT of the bonus....which lemme tell you, was a hefty one. She had been talking for awhile about getting a laptop - to stay in touch via email and what not when she is traveling which is basically all the time. Fine. I agree with that purchase in this day in age.
We go into best buy...she goes from looking at a minimal bare basics thing to a higher one....and then procedes to buy a SECOND one for her husband...oh, and we might as well throw in a broadband card for her husband because they live in the middle of nowhere and still use dial up for their internet...which by the way comes with a $75 deposit, and a monthly useage fee comparable to a home phone number....
I was annoyed. And I'm not really sure I have the right to be annoyed....but really....you cry poor mouth to me constantly....I have willingly and lovingly treated you very well....and then when you DO have money....you A) tell me how much they gave you B) buy not only yourself a laptop but your husband one as well...did not offer to pay for anything (like the starbucks we go while shopping)...gas money to KOP from where she lives....nada
Am I being petty?
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
I'd feel the same way. I would have been ticked that she waited to the END Of the day to tell you all this after you spent a small fortune (coach isn't cheap!). I know she is a great friend and you care about her dearly. And as usual you and I are very much alike and I am a gernerous person - always offering to pay or buy something for someone (and we by no means are rolling in dough). But that is the way I was raised.
I know quite a few people (several members of my family included) as soon as they get their hands on money it is spent (usually plus some), they have no idea how to budget or plan for the future.
I know quite a few people (several members of my family included) as soon as they get their hands on money it is spent (usually plus some), they have no idea how to budget or plan for the future.
Yea....I think that's is what gets me...she got a hefty sum...and her husband is out of work....till who knows when....so shouldn't that $ have been saved for when her paycheck isn't cutting it? Not to mention getting something (the card) that adds a monthly bill.....
Se la vie. I told brian about it...and he said "well don't let them calling poor mouth to me...they ain't even getting dinner from us for QUITE some time...."
Se la vie. I told brian about it...and he said "well don't let them calling poor mouth to me...they ain't even getting dinner from us for QUITE some time...."
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
Not petty at all!
I have a friend who is much more well off than I. she treats me to dinner often. I can't afford it much but I make sure when it's tax time or I have a few bucks, I TREAT HER. I know it never evens out. And she doesn't expect it. She has money. But I feel as a friend, I shouldn't take advantage of her wealth and treat her sometimes too.
I wouldn't even have the balls to do what she did. I would have felt embarrassed. And *if* I did disclose my bonus, I would also state that lunch was "one me", coffee on me, etc. I would try to return the graciousness you have shown her over the years.
JMO.......money always does this **** And since most of us work hard to get the money we have......we are more concious of it.
I have a friend who is much more well off than I. she treats me to dinner often. I can't afford it much but I make sure when it's tax time or I have a few bucks, I TREAT HER. I know it never evens out. And she doesn't expect it. She has money. But I feel as a friend, I shouldn't take advantage of her wealth and treat her sometimes too.
I wouldn't even have the balls to do what she did. I would have felt embarrassed. And *if* I did disclose my bonus, I would also state that lunch was "one me", coffee on me, etc. I would try to return the graciousness you have shown her over the years.
JMO.......money always does this **** And since most of us work hard to get the money we have......we are more concious of it.
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila & salt and give me a call!
I don't think you're being petty. I think you're feeling taken advantage of. If she felt comfortable enough with her finances to "splurge" then it would have been appropriate and "fair" for her to include you in that splurge by offering to pay for lunch or starbucks or whatever.
One way to handle it would be the next time you get together, just casually ask her opinion of where to eat ... like "Would Olive Garden be ok for your budget?" You don't have to do it meanly, but it's setting the expectation that she will be contributing to the meal, while giving consideration to her financial concerns.
Just a thought. No sense in looking back, only in looking forward, now that you know her cir****tances have changed.
Karen
One way to handle it would be the next time you get together, just casually ask her opinion of where to eat ... like "Would Olive Garden be ok for your budget?" You don't have to do it meanly, but it's setting the expectation that she will be contributing to the meal, while giving consideration to her financial concerns.
Just a thought. No sense in looking back, only in looking forward, now that you know her cir****tances have changed.
Karen
You're so good with words! I like the wording of that!
I think what gets me is that her finances have only changed VERY temporarily - due to the bonus - and she's not budgeting it or planning ahead for however long her husband may be out of work. But....I can't change that either and need to remember that!
I think what gets me is that her finances have only changed VERY temporarily - due to the bonus - and she's not budgeting it or planning ahead for however long her husband may be out of work. But....I can't change that either and need to remember that!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
You're right that you can't change it... and continuing to enable that behavior isn't helping her in the long run. It's one thing to help a friend who's down until she can get back up... it's something totally different when she's being irresponsible and seems to have no intention of working her way out of the hole. Is she a good enough friend that you can sit down and talk to her about how you're feeling about her purchases? Maybe say something like "I know you've been having financial difficulties and I'm concerned when I see you making what looks like impulse purchases. Do you need help with budgeting oro financial management that maybe I can offer or point you toward resources for?"
Just a thought... I know that can be a really tough discussion (and topic, in general).
Karen
Just a thought... I know that can be a really tough discussion (and topic, in general).
Karen
She is by far the friend I've had the longest and is one of my very CLOSEST friends. Could I have the discussion with her? No. Because I know her well enough that she will just become defensive and/or not listen to my advice anyway.
I am a HUGE enabler in MANY ways (to many people). I'm working on it....but still need to work on it a LOT more. I need to understand the difference between enabling and being nice and a good friend. That line to me in many respects gets blurred VERY easily
As always - thanks!
I am a HUGE enabler in MANY ways (to many people). I'm working on it....but still need to work on it a LOT more. I need to understand the difference between enabling and being nice and a good friend. That line to me in many respects gets blurred VERY easily
As always - thanks!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
R K.
on 3/20/10 9:24 pm
on 3/20/10 9:24 pm
On March 20, 2010 at 8:34 PM Pacific Time, Pam P. wrote:
She is by far the friend I've had the longest and is one of my very CLOSEST friends. Could I have the discussion with her? No. Because I know her well enough that she will just become defensive and/or not listen to my advice anyway. I am a HUGE enabler in MANY ways (to many people). I'm working on it....but still need to work on it a LOT more. I need to understand the difference between enabling and being nice and a good friend. That line to me in many respects gets blurred VERY easily
As always - thanks!
Walmart corporate salaries(even low level) are way better then most people would imagine. Hey I`m out of work....can I be your friend?
*
"If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the Truth. If got three more words, I'd add, all the time."
— Randy Pausch
"If I only had three words of advice, they would be, Tell the Truth. If got three more words, I'd add, all the time."
— Randy Pausch
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