Family stuff - vent

OK...pre surgery I was very anxious about telling my mom and sister about my decision, about their reaction, and degree of support.

In fact, they have been supportive (well, curious and amazed) - and they live 500 miles away, so it's not an everyday thing. At Christmas, my mom cautioned me not to wear clothes that were "too tight" (Mike had gotten me a few things for Christmas that I would be shrinking into).

I saw my sister in January. She barely recognized me at the airport.

This weekend, Mike took a pic of me, which I e mailed to them.

The response is what has me kind of stirred up. My mom called to tell me that I "look good but there is just something...." and goes on to tell me that my hair looked better last summer. She then said I looked "beautiful" - but came back to the hair not being quite right.

Is it impossible for her to just give a compliment? Probably so. Is it impossible for her to see the GOOD in my progress? Probably so. Is it impossible for her to recognize that I am a grownup and will wear my hair any way I choose? Probably so.  And I know better than to try to change her.

But it still has me ticked.

Done for now...thanks for listening.

I think you are FABULOUS!  And she is jealous!  Yes she is! :)

Thanks Steffi. I honestly think my sister may have a jealous streak. When we went to FL in January, I met her at baggage claim and she truly didn't realize it was me waitng till I waved her over. Being with me meant that she felt a little more obligation to eat in a healthy way - where as she would typically go off the deep end eating junk.
You're so sweet!

Thanks - I think the ones closest to us are the most critical.  My sister, who I have talked about before, also struggles with weight - she did not have as much weight to lose as I did - but still significant.  She is doing VERY successfully with OA.  I saw her two weeks ago after a while - she is about 2 inches shorter than me - we are both wearing a size ten but I weigh more than her - she just didn't understand that and I felt that she was implying that I was lying about the size I was wearing or that maybe they were too tight.  That could just be my imagination, or she may have been thinking it - eiter way - I wanted her FIRST thought to be WOW Stef - you are amazing - which I do think she thinks, but in that moment it wasn't her first thought.  We do that to each other - we want everyone to think of us they way we think of ourselves and when it isn't the priority of others, we feel disappointed.

And - i remember often feeling resentful of times when I was out with my husband prior to surgery and felt he was watching what I was putting in my mouth, therefore didn't do what I really wanted to do which was binge.  It might have something to do with that when it comes to your sister.  I do know that a good friend of mine has joked that she lost her eating buddy - and as much as she says it is a joke, there is definitely honesty in that statement!

Not quite sure why I am rambling here but the students are testing and I feel like talking, so off I went...sorry! :)  See - this is what happens when I am not teaching and I don't eat anymore....I just type away....blah blah blah.

Lynn,
I think some people just don't know how to give out compliments without knocking you down in a small way. Especially family. Been there done that. Try ignoring it but vent away that is why we are here. Remember how far you have come since your WLS and hold your head up high and try to ignore toxic people in your life. Easier said than done.

Lynn,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with these issues.  But I totally understand---my mom does the very same thing to me.  She's been very supportive of me and is thrilled with my progress, but there always seems to be a criticism, with or without a compliment.  She does it to all of us---her husband, my brothers, me.  We've tried to explain to her how we feel when she does that, and then she feels bad.  Her mother did it to her, so it's what she knows.  It frustrates me, but like you, I know I can't change her.  I must admit that sometimes I bait her by asking if she likes something that I know she won't like.  When she says no, I tell her it's ok because I like it and that's what counts.

Hold your head high and be proud of what you've accomplished!!!  Your mom is proud of you but probably doesn't know when we don't quite need mothering for every little thing.

Ah Lynn... no one quite knows how to push our buttons better than family, eh?  With some folks, there's always  a "but" lurking in a compliment.  It's a form of passive-aggressive control - they have an insecurity and need to feel that there's a flaw in someone else so they don't feel quite so bad about themselves.  Sad, really.  

Remember, as I told Shilpa a couple of weeks ago - "No one can make you feel insecure unless you let them."  

She's 500 miles away and you're not going to change her.  You can do one of two things:
1.  Confront her about the issue, gently, and let her know that it's unacceptable
2.  Ignore it and realize that it's HER baggage, not yours.

I know, that's easier said than done, but if it's worth your emotional turmoil to vent about, then it's worth working on, imho.

Hugs, dahling... and all that counts ultimately is that YOU like your hair and are comfortable with it.  And you ARE beautiful! 

Karen

You are doing a fantastic job!!! I agree you are a big girl - wear your hair how you want to! I've found that it is the people who we want to please the most who's comments hurt the most. For me as an only child I always want to make my parents happy so their criticism hurts the most .

I've also mentioned before to people in similar situations that just like our brain wasn't changed neither was theirs. Especially if we don't see someone very often it is harder for them to adjust to the changes that we so rapidly go through early out. She might not know how to give a compliment or some people also feel akward giving them because they don't want to insult us by implying that we didn't look good before. Crazy but that's how some people's brains work.

Keep up the great work!

Liz

Thanks guys. I really do appreciate the kind words and support.

Shilpa, you are right - there is a toxicity there. I do love my mom but have worked hard to forgive her for some things over the years, and I'm not 100% sure that I'm done with it all.

Julia, it's good to know I'm not alone! (which is not to say that I feel your mom is right either). How is it that loving remarks can have all these strings attached!!!

Karen, you are so reasonable and RIGHT! I know there's not much point in confrontation with her, so I need to just roll on past it.

Liz, you are probably right. My sister and I have both had obesity problems, and my mom is just the opposite (I say quite literally that she has been on a diet since 1957, and it's true!). She is used to viewing us in a certain way. It's hard for her to change that. My sister is still very heavy and past the age when surgery would be a good option for her (risk factor-wise), and her relationship with food is intense. I am quite sure my sister doesn't know what to feel about my success. And I know that at some level my mom is proud of my success - but honestly she hasn't seen how much work it is.

Besides. (Here's the "catty me" coming out). I spend more on a good haircut every 5 weeks than they spend in 6 months of bargain salon jobs. My "hair guy" is an expert!

Trust me honey you are not alone in this. I got comments like that from my mom all the time - especially when my hair started thinning so bad about 4 months out. I didn't panic because I checked with everyone on here and they all said it would grow back and it did. My brother and  younger sister are always complimenting me on my weight loss - however, my older sister (who was also my 'foodie friend' only says things like 'Hi Skinny' - or tells people how 'tiny' I am now - first of all I'm not even close to skinny or tiny - but for some reason she just can't bring herself to compliment me in any other way - maybe because she is probably heavier now than I was at my highest weight.

I guess the one family member who always irks me most is my brother-in-law - for years he would try and coax my sister and I into competitions to lose weight - guess he thought if he put it that way we'd lose but it always had the opposite effect. Trust me when I tell you to this day the man has not said one word about my weight loss, but I know he's told my brother that he would never let my sister have the surgery because of my dumping and my 'turkey neck' as he calls it. And yes, he's so stinking jealous it isn't even funny.

You know you look wonderful - you know you feel 100% better - you know you did this for yourself and nobody else and I think that's what 99.9% of us realize when we have this surgery. I dieted over the years for my wedding, my first cruise, etc., but it was always for something - this time it was for ME and I don't give a fat rat's pattootie who likes it!!