Sensitivity to people like 'us'...

Reading Shilpa's note about her friend reminded me of a conversation I had today with the mailman, of all people - over time he and I have gotten to know each other and really tease and jab each other when he shows up because my suite door is locked and he has to call to be let in.

Anyway today the subject of surgeries came up and my knee replacements and he asked if I thought that was the best thing I had ever done - and I said no, it was great and really helped, but the best surgery I've ever had was my gastric bypass surgery - now he's been coming into my office for years but never mentioned my weight loss - so he says 'yeah, you know you look really great and I've wanted to say something but its kind of awkward and personal and I know a few people who had have it and one guy did great and the other guy didn't lose any' - so of course I told him its a lot of hard work, and one of the reasons there is no candy on the counter anymore (LOL) - but he said 'I didn't know what to say to you or to those other guys because I don't know how you feel about it telling people' - I said well I'll tell anybody - I have no problem with that, as for the others you know just congratulate them on their weight loss and maybe they'll share what they did or maybe not - it doesn't really matter and it is a personal choice, but acknowledging our weight loss makes us feel better and encourages us to continue on our path to success.

I hope I said the right thing - its hard to know how other people see us and what they may or may not say. In Shilpa's friends' instance I would say 'good riddance' to that guy and its his problem, not hers. I know that's easier said than done but I hope she realizes that he's the jerk and she can move on with her life and become a better person - he will always be a jerk.

Kathy,
Thank you for posting this. There are days that I feel worthless and as Jackie said on my post that the surgery fixes our weight problems it does not fix us. I think all of us are a little broken so it just feels like somebody broke your spirit when they make a rude comment or treat us like that. Thanks again for posting this. It really helps put things in prespective.

I think your answer to your mailman was perfect.  Simple congratulations is in order REGARDLESS of how people lose weight.  Their are various successes from various sources, all of which we know take hard work and dedication.

I'll read Shilpa's post soon.

Their is some sensitivity to us which is why I do not share with everyone (mostly family)  However...interestingly enough, the topic came up at work the other night at LVH (many know about the surgery, some do not, just because of how big it is)  One of the docs brought in three trays of those giant ass muffins from BJ's.  I had literally 1/8 of a muffin.  Here's how the conversation happened:

Doc (who brought in the muffins and was unaware of my surgery):  Why even bother taking that piece?  Take a damn muffin!
Me:  I'm good, just a piece
Nurse (who knows about the surgery):  Pam, could you even EAT a muffin that size?
Me:  Uh...probably not..and if I did I'd surely be dry heaving for hours on end
Doc:  Why on earth would a muffin do that to you?
Me:  Because I am a bypass patient and these are loaded with sugar, not to mention the sheer volume of it all
Doc:  Oh....(with distain and complete disinterest)
Another doc (resident):  I would have NEVER thought you had that surgery.   Do you mind if I ask you questions about the surgery?
Me:  No
Doc:  Complications that you've had?  Heavy weight?  Total loss?  When you had the surgery?
I explained everything....the bowel obstruction, the work involved...the rules...the vitamin regimine
Resident:  Why so many vitamins?
Me:  Because of the malabsoprtive properties of the surgery

Which then turned into literally a good hour long conversation with just about the whole staff there.  It's simply amazing how much even these people DON'T know

I ended my end of the conversation with:  And this is why there is a stigma to the surgery - because a good majority of the population has NO idea what the surgery entails, or more importantly, what the AFTER life of surgery entails

so yes, is it sensitive?  absolutely.  But can people be complimented on their work regardless?  Freak yea!

Oh - and is if I didn't ramble enough before hand....

The other option may not have been entirely the point of surgery related...there is also a stigma regarding specifically men mentioning to women that they "look good" or "are you losing weight"  I know you guys are professional friends...but perhaps that engrained stigma was also holding him back from saying anything in general.