Reflections and Questions

So I posted earlier about trying to lose the last stubborn ten pounds..and while I know it may be my body telling me I am at my ideal weight already--there is just something in me that wants to hit that goal so bad...to see those numbers on the scale...it is intense!

And while I am not at an overly obsessive mindset at this point..I just want to see the "ideal" goal for once in my life.  But there is in the back of my mind that terrifying fear ...the fear of being morbidly obese once again...it terrifies me sometimes when I think about it too much.

My question is --does anyone else fear getting fluffy again????? Do you ever truly see the success you have achieved?? Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't see the 135 lb me...I see the 300+ lb me...and I absolutely hate that.  Can I see past what I was to see who I am now?

I don't have these thoughts all the time but they do come and go...and thinking about taking off the last ten or so pounds it has made think about these things a bit more...

 I am at times more conscious more aware of my body...and I am more aware of the flaws than when I was fluffier...I feel like I see myself more now than I did back then...I didn't realize just how big I was. I knew I was big but it wasnt until I lost the weight that I saw it and really took a good look did I understand just how far out of control I really was...

I do not want to go back there..but I also do not want to go to the other extreme either and not take care of myself because a number on the scale isnt where I want it to be.  It is a delicate balancing act right now between the desires of wanting to hit the goal weight and the need to stay healthy and not spiral out of control in either way --overeating or undereating...how do I keep the balance?

How does one keep the obsessiveness at bay? How do you get that voice out of your head that says "You're fat" when you have your period and are a bit bloated????? Can I ever ge rid of it--will I ever really look in the mirror and say "Hey I look good!!!!"????

I guess it will take time--it took a very long time for me to come to grips with the fact that I was M.O.. I guess I need to take time to work on coming to grips with the fact that I am no longer M.O.(Anyone know a good therapist????)

I want to take this second chance at life and REALLY  live it this time.  I don't want to let life pass me by and I no longer want to sit on the sidelines....

Is it possible to find the real me under the layers of insecurity?? How do we as WLS patients live this new life and come to grips with who we were and the person we have become? 

Because the surgery--or rather I should say the events in life following surgery have a profound effect on who we are and how we change as we come out of the preop world and into the post op life...This surgery not only saved my life but profoundly changed my life...I feel like I am finally discovering myself and who I really am--I am no longer hiding under the fluff --I am embracing the me that was hidden for so long...and it is a bit scary at times to know that you can not hide behind anything anymore--I have to be me. Discovering who I am has been challenging and thrilling but the journey is worth it...

Any thoughts or insights???
Thanks for letting me ramble!! (HUGE thanks if you actually read the whole looooong ramble!!!! )
Much luv!!

Laura

Ramble away anytime!

You brought up a LOT of good points.  I'll try to comment but can't promise they will be in any sort of order.....

Do I still see the fat me?  Absolutely.  It's not every day, but it happens.  When people at work or patients refer to me as the "thin" one or "skinny" or as my uncle said the other day "oh look, the hottie is here" I honestly don't know they are referring to me.  I just normally laugh it off and they think I'm crazy....but really I don't see myself as "thin" or any other word, regardless.

Worried about being MO again?  G-d every freaking day.  I normally hang around 135 now.  The past few weeks I've been hanging between 138-140  Now, most people, including my husband, say "3-5 pounds?  Your worried about THAT?"  Like frigging hell I am!  I KNOW what I've been doing wrong, some of it is stress eating, some of it is lack of exercise, and some of it is out of my control due to recent thyroid issues.  Most people see it as "only" 3-5 pounds.  I see it as the "first" 3-5 pounds.

I worry about being pregnant and gaining weight and not being able to get it off.  I want nothing more to GET pregnant (again, damn thyroid) but at the same time, I freak about thinking about it.

I LOVE getting dressed for work because I know what I am wearing and don't have to think about it.  Any other time?  Dear gracious...I can wear an outfit one day and think it's awesome and the next day wonder how in the hell I allowed myself to walk out of the house looking "like that"  What "that" is, I'm not to sure about.

Part of me thinks that some of the insecurities I have is about the extra skin.  I've been known (quite frequently) to wear my "nice" jeans and my "nice" shirts just out with friends with full spanx on underneath due to the extra wiggle.  Brian tells me I'm crazy and the extra skin is NOT visible, or if it is, just looks like any other woman who is not surgically altered.  But to me...it's more than that.  Like I said, only *part* of me thinks that way, because deep down inside I know that my insecurities are probably much more than skin deep (pun intended, although weak)

As far as the "number" is concerned....I got down to my "number" and looked ill.  Really ill.  I was 125 and it was awful.  I quickly (without trying) jumped up to between 130-135 and have stayed there.  But I get what you're saying.  Why?  Because Barix, never ONCE has had me at my "ideal" weight.  The lowest I was there I believe was 138.  And it annoys me to no freaking end that they still had me as having "excess weight"  Pupkova herself told me I was fine at that weight, and she was thrilled, etc etc etc.  And I don't think about it daily - but when I do - sheesh - I HATE the fact that I didn't lose "all" the weight I was "supposed" to lose.

If the number thing gets worse, or if you can't work through these things then yes, I would suggest a therapist.  Right now, I'm not convinced I need one, although lately with the thyroid issue and things like that I have thought about it.  But we'll see.

I live my life and LOVE my life right now.  I have bumps, I have trouble, I have melt downs...but really...doesn't everyone?  I have to understand that some of things I'm feeling I'm actually FEELING now and not just ignoring with a big mac. 

Do I think I'll ever get to a point where at least some of these thoughts don't cross my mind ever?  Probably not.  But - I'm ok with that.  Because....well...part of it (the fear of becoming fluffy again) helps me reign it in when I need to.  I don't WANT to lose that fear.  Not completely, anyway.

Amen to all that Sisters. I can completely see myself in alot of what you two have written. My husband and I just had this conversation a week or so ago. I am so self conscious alot of the time. And although I know intellectually that I need to stop losing now and level off it is hard to give up the euphoria of the "big loss" I don't want to go too far the other direction and get sickly looking. I too am trying to find a good balance, and I think it takes alot of honesty and deep soul searching at this point.

Laura,
It's like you are my kindred spirit. I still see myself as big and am never happy the way I look so I sooo understand the sentiment. Thank you for the compliement. You inspire me all the time. Oh BTW ramble away. That's what we are here for!!

Well, I'm not nearly as far out as you and Pam, so can't provide too much of a perspective.  But i can tell you that your word**** home. 

I'm down 94 pounds.  Dr. P told me at my last visit a few weeks ago that she'd be happy with me getting about another 10 or so pounds off.  My "ideal" weight per BMI indices is supposedly 146 (I'm 5'9").  I'm currently hovering at 175 and have been here for about 6 weeks.  Per Dr. P, the mid-160s would be good for me (especially without plastics).  

I stilll feel like the big, too-tall, "amazon" klutz.  I'm told it takes 2 years to fully "see" or internalize the change - I feel like in so many ways that I never will, but i trust Shauna and many others who tell me that I'll get there eventually. 

I feel like I've been working hard at this for so many months now.  I even feel like i've "got it" - have figured out the routine and have started to learn the skills that will need to stay with me for the rest of my life.  So it's playing all kinds of hell with my head that my body has stopped losing - especially now when i'm 'so close' to my goal.  I'm exercising, I'm watching what I eat (although not as obsessively as in the early days... but I'm staying on plan, continuing to track my food, etc.).  

I did find the other day that I am apparently now down a size from where i was a couple of months ago, so the exercise seems to be working on my body in different ways.  Does that satisfy my head?  not at all.  not in the least.

What I hear in my head is "See - this means you can't reach your goal"... and that makes me feel bad about myself on a bad day.  On a GOOD day - part of me says "wow - you've figured out a good maintenance plan that's manageable."  On a BAD day - it's "see, the old patterns of eating are what are keeping you from losing that last 10 pounds."

My fear is that although i've done really well and have gotten down to a point where I never honestly thought I could, it can and will all come back "overnight."  The price is eternal vigilance and finding a way of dealing with the head demons.  I feel the fight will never be over.

Karen