Broken homes...

Just curious....


I have been watching the Intervention Series (about various addidtions).   I'm noticing a pattern with the addicts.

Anyone who has  had  weight loss surgery willing to share alittle bit of their childhood experiences?

Long story short... I have a mother, who is mentally disabled and I've struggled my entire life to have a normal relationship with her  (which will never happen, I've recently realized).....   And a father whom I've spent endless years of seeking his approval.

They divorced when I was 2. I never knew any different....but now I know.

So what are your disfunctions, if any....  And if not, would you share that as well?

Interesting question, Jen.

When I was little, my mom wasn't around much.  She worked nights and went to college, so I didn't see her much.  I spent a lot more time with my dad.  My parents divorced when I was 13, and I stayed with my dad.  Mom was always jealous of my relationship with my dad.  He died 15 years ago, and she and I struggled to become close.  That's finally happened in the last few years, especially since she re-married 3 years ago.  Her new husband has been a blessing in our lives.

My mother and father divorced when I was 5.  My mom remarried and remarried again.  I was her caregiver until the day she passed away at 53.  It was not until my mother died that I reached out to my dad to have a relationship with him.  We have had a great one since then.  I look at my childhood and know without a doubt that the situation that I lived in had a profound affect on me.  I suffer from depression and growing up food was my comfort.  My mother did not help by cooking big meals and getting fast food all the time.  I do not blame my mom or my dad, I accept  that it was the cards I was dealt and I know my mother tried her best, but sometimes the cards you are dealt can mess you up, and I am proof of that. 

I met my husband and made the decision to get married and move to Philadelphia.  I knew that almost all of my adult life was spent taking care of my mother, while she doted on my oldest sister.  I was given the chance for a happy life and I jumped at it.  My mom said she was happy for me though worried about who would take care of her once I left.  The weekend I was to fly to Philadelphia for my shower my mom was admitted to the hospital.  I was told unless they put her in a induced coma she would not make it through the night.  I spent 2 weeks day and night at the hospital.  She was brought out of it and I went home thinking the worst was behind me.  I was awoken the next morning with the call that said come now or you may not get to say goodbye.  I rushed to the hospital and she was already sedated.  She grabbed my hand and held onto my engagement ring.  I watched her heart rate slowly go down and I was powerless to stop it.  She passed away at 11:55am March 27,2002.  I decided to bury her in the dress she bought to wear at  my wedding.  She was so proud of the dress she picked.  My youngest sister birthday was on the 30th, so we had my moms viewing on Easter.  To this day I am full of guilt for making the decision to have a life, I still have nightmares of her.  I would give anything to know what she was feeling when she kept touching my ring.  

My cards were messed up, but going through all that I have (and this was the worst of it) has made me stronger and determined to live life, be as happy as I can try to be, and love my kids with everything I have.  If anything my mom taught me to survive life no matter how hard and heartbreaking it can be at times.

That's my dysfunctions...hope you are not sorry you asked.

MOM= married 4 times

DAD= lives 1 mile from me. Doesn't call. Doesn't stop by. Ask neighbors and mutual friends how me and kids are doing. ( NONE of my children know him and oldest is 12)

So......I suck at relationships

I think my dad sucks

I am constantly seeking affection.

(coincidence? I dunno)

I won't go to therapy

im not from PA but you are on my friends list. With my family my parents where married for 19 years. i put on alot of my weight when my dad died. me and my dad where real close where my mom and my brother where realy close to one another. so when my dad died i didnt get payed alot of atention. i was the one my mom took all her anger and frustration out on. when it comes to relationships now it seems like im allways looking for the attention i never got. also after my dad died and my mom started dating she gave those men more attention then me. so in a way i had a some what disfuctional family. but everyones family is disfuctional just some more than otheres.

Jen

Your post reads " broken homes"  that is a very appropriate way of addressing it. Many people come from broken homes wether from divorce. mental illness, addictions. abuse.
I recommend that anyone who has been a child of divorce or who is contemplating divorce read the book " the unexpected legacy of divorce" by judith wallerste It is a 25 year study on divorce and its impact on children. While the book can be clinical at times, she does use alot of stories to show the impact. It is a unique book because she follows the same children of divorce from childhood to adulthood. Fascinating. The impact of divorce is cumulative and far reaching, more so than anyone had imagined I am sure. I Am not saying that I disagree with divorce, I have been myself. But as with most things the more you know about a subject the easier it is to make decisions, or to deal with the impact on your own life.

The interesting thing is that my mom gave us this book, because she read it and wanted us to. She sees how things impacted us. My parents did not divorce until I was in college, but the dysfunction that lead to, impacts all of us to this day. We all have emotional scars that are deep and still healing. The way the divorce went down and what happened after almost destroyed our family. So even as college aged children the impact was profound. You would think we would have been fairly immuned at that age...not so much.

I have found therapy to be helpful, and no doubt is the reason I am now a therapist myself. We are all wounded healers.

The good news is that as adults....we now have the power to choose what we hang on to...and what we do with our lives now. Remember You always have a choice.

Well I'll post the other side of the coin for you.


My parents have been very happily married for 33 years. Growing up as an only child they were immensively supportive of whatever I wanted to do. No I am not the spoiled little only child lol, I had limits. Infact my parents were quite strict. Somehow this didn't apply to food. I have a large irish and italian family - we do everything with food - celebrate, mourn, everything. If we have a gathering there is enough awesome food to feed the 3rd Marine Division. And that's what we do - eat.

Now that I am older and post RNY I look back and realize that these gatherings are really about the family time. Do we still have ginormous spreads - absolutely. Do I partake - only within reason. I enjoy the time just being with them so much more now.

Hope that this helps some!

Liz

Interesting post discussion:

My abbreviated past:

Mom and Dad divorced when I was three. Lived mostly with my mom who moved from Mississippi to California. But I did move back and forth between my mom and dad a few times between the ages of 3 and 10.  Then after that I did not get to see my dad very often.  Mom told me when I was about 10 that she was a Lesbian.  Stuggled with that for a couple years and then got over it and realized I didn't care as long as she was happy.  Lived very poor, single mom with two kid life. BUt Happy.  Daddy's girl all my life and father passed away 14 years ago and It was difficult.
Started my weight journey when I about 7 years old.  
Positive is I had both parents who loved me, a good set of friends to support me and my husband and son who are there for me through thick and thin (no pun intended)  

Well, an interesting post and one that I'm only now (at age 47) starting to be able to answer with any degree of perspective and distance. 

I am an only child, of parents who had me late in life (mom was 41, dad was 39).  My father was a wonderful, gentle, and quiet man who was very insecure about his education (GED - his family made him quit school and go to work at age 13 when his dad died - he finally got his GED when I was a kid).  In many ways I see now that he was also cowed by my mother when at home.  He was a grocery store manager, so worked incredibly long hours, so wasn't home a lot.  When I was 18 months old, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, had surgery, and was given 6 months to live.  He recovered, and died 15 years ago after another bout with cancer, as well as heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and diabetes.  He was not a "frail" person, but the shadow of his illnesses defined much of our lives.

My mother, who lives with me and my family, is an overbearing person who is compulsive in many ways.  She approaches life as though she literally knows it ALL and that everyone else is beneath her in knowledge and experience.  There is one way to do anything, and that's her way.   If she has a bad mood, it's everyone else who's in the bad mood, not her.  VERY trying.  I moved out of the house when I was 18 because I couldn't stand living with her anymore.  We moved back in together about 18 years ago, because my dad was ill and they couldn't care for their own house safely any more, and we needed to move to a better school district before the kids were school age.  it seemed like a good idea at the time, but boy, have we paid a heavy price for it. 

I was overweight my entire life (according to my  mom, I was a compulsive eater as a baby on soy formula with colic and wouldn't stop eating - hmmm).  As a kid, I remember my measuring stick was trying to match my dad in what he would eat.  He was a "meat and potatoes" kinda guy who overate and ate way too fast - had a huge gut.  I would try to match him and would end up literally nauseous from eating. 

As a kid in school, i was teased mercilessly (My last name was "fasano" and my nickname was "fatsano") for being different in so many ways.  I was one of the few non-jewish kids in my school, I was tall, I was fat, I was a social misfit/only child, I wasn't allowed to watch popular TV shows, I wasn't allowed to buy lunches, I didn't wear the "right"/fashionable clothes.  and the list goes on. At home, i was the one kid who didn't go to catholic school, plus all of the above, plus my mom was regarded as a "nut" in the neighborhood, so the kids never really included me in their play. 

I absorbed all that and internalized it as "truth."  I retreated into a world of books, which i would devour (about 1 a day), and which felt more real and welcoming to me than the outside world.  

When i got to college, my world opened up. I found that there were other people - happily adjusted people - who didn't "fit in" with the common mold.  people with diverse ideas and diverse backgrounds - of different races, faiths, nationalities, etc.  My  mom was aghast that one of my best friends was black and lived in a bad neighborhood in north philly (the blackness was what concerned her, not the neighborhood).  I realized i had to stand on my own two feet and got out as soon as I got a job.  Worked full time, went to school full time, had a scummy little 4th floor walkup apartment on south street, and it was one of the happiest times in my life.  But my roomie was a dancer, tall and skinny as a rail - I adored her and idolized her and looked at myself critically every time I saw her or got dressed.  Just reinforced how awkward and big I was.

Along the way, I had one bad relationship after another - first guy was a jerk, second one turned out to be gay, next one was constantly trying to change me and force me to lose weight in very manipulative ways (and i never succeeded enough to suit him).  Finally gave up on men altogether and moved to NJ - where, of course, I met my husband, who loved me just the way I was.

We've been together for 22 years.  It's not all been magical - we have our struggles and our problems, just like any 2 human beings - but we love each other and support each other through everything.  And as things come full circle in life, I finally am starting to understand WHY I react to things they way I do, and to find the inner strength to stand up to my mom's manipulations and to not take them inside as much.

Thank you for asking and for listening, if you've read through all this.  I know it's longer than you probably wanted, but it's been SO therapeutic to write this down and share it.  

Karen

My parents have been married for 37 years now... very different in their own backgrounds which can be good and bad... my mom's parents were asses... plain and simple... my mom was blond as a baby and they forced her once she hit 13 to dye her hair blond all the time... my aunt was tall and skinny... my mom short and chubby... my grandparents where always there to point that out... my mom in a way has no back bone/self confience... it drives me crazy...

Now, I was short... but super skinny- and very very hyper... my parents kept lots of foods from me because they thought it made me hyper... i was just a high energy kid lol... but i was only skinny till i hit 4th grade and got my period and the weight packed on... what we didn't realize was I had PCOS... I am one of the few lucky ones born with it... so I was screwed once i "became a woman"... cheer for me... whatever... my parents had different views on eating... my mom grew up you finsh your plate... my dad was don't waste food... so take a little at time... but they never believed me when i told i was hungry... i get hungry at odd times... so that didn't help me either... i know my mom in a way was pushing her issues with foods on me... which thank god i never got lol... but I didn't know what to do with food at friends houses... i now look back and see that i ate normal there... but because i couldn't eat when i was hungry at home I would hide food like peanut butter and apples, hotdogs, etc... nothing "bad" but it didn't help...

my dad's parents always compaired me to my much older tall cousins... i'm only 5'2... my 3 girl cuzs are 5'6, 5'9 and 5'11... i got screwed... my sister is 5'6... they would tell me to run more... eat less etc... argh...

I played spots all my life... soccer, softball, gymnastics, swimming, tennis etc... after grade school I was playing soccer and softball from March till October ever year... but i was always a size or 2 bigger than the other girls... i wasn't huge but i wasn't in that correct BMI range... this was the case till college... I graduated high school a size 12/13... went into college a 16... came out of my freshman year a size 22... by the time i graduated i was a size 26... I was walking every where working out at the gym etc... in college i just came to believe there was nothing i could do about my weight...

my parents where happy about this - but every eating plan i tried i just gained more weight... i did good ones not stupid crash ones... i did weigh****chers, etc... this is the thinest Jeremy has ever known me... I was a 28 when we got married... now my weight after a few years started to cause issues with us... but he knew i was trying... once we found out I had PCOS at 30 it made a huge difference... but the weight still didn't come out...

now that I have Lore and Annabelle I see my mom (not meaning too) pushing her food issues again... Lore has a super high met... but a MAJOR sweet tooth... so if she wants a hershey kiss... she has to eat protein (trying to keep it balanced lol)... and she gets a good mix of sugar free and normal sugared stuff...

so in my case in a way my grandparents screwed with my weight... more than my own parents...