how i messed up my life...LONG
try & be romantic, romance to a women doesn' always involve sex. bring her flowers they don't have to be roses stop @ the supermarket she doen' care how much you spend it is the thought . buy her a card "thinking of you." and I love you
You will have to romance her like when you were dating, have a date night or better yet go away for the weekend, just the two of you NO CHIDREN.
you have to make her feel important like she is #1.
We all like the attention we get and my husband even likes the attention I get he snickers cause he knows I am going with him & I let him know how much I love him and he is #1 for me. we always have to stroke our partners ego.
Maybe you need counseling if you can't do it on your own.
she may forgive you in time, when you want to talk to women about issues use this forum we will all tell u and u won't get in trouble
Good Luck
You will have to romance her like when you were dating, have a date night or better yet go away for the weekend, just the two of you NO CHIDREN.
you have to make her feel important like she is #1.
We all like the attention we get and my husband even likes the attention I get he snickers cause he knows I am going with him & I let him know how much I love him and he is #1 for me. we always have to stroke our partners ego.
Maybe you need counseling if you can't do it on your own.
she may forgive you in time, when you want to talk to women about issues use this forum we will all tell u and u won't get in trouble
Good Luck
First off good job in sharing with us because you know we all have teh experince in one way or another on her.
Our old friend/enemy ATTENTION he can boost our egos or make us do stupid things! I think what is a little different for you case is that both you and your wife had RNY within weeks of each other so both of you are going through the attention syndrome.
You did act on it to a degree yet didn't cross the major line which I am sure took restraint but where I may differ I think that the woman deserves to know why you had to end things is in order she maybe wonder now "WHat is wrong with me". If you just upped and stopped all contact explain I made a poor choice and love my wife and want it to work. (I am sure this may not be a shared feeling but she was there for you when you needed an ear and to shut her out cold is not fair)
Now, the Mrs and yourself I think you both need support and therapy. You know where to find the support if you need us and if you want to even have a person support group we will help you. Therapy is needed for you one on one then couples therapy. We have a great therapist that works out of Barix Dr. Connolly. Can you make it to a Saturday meeting to meet her? Or I can give you her contact information she is also running a group for just about 8 people.
From reading this I can tell you love your wife but you let the attention control you and trust me you are not alone on this many have been pulled into the attention grip after RNY. We get attention from people that would not give us a second look in the past. I will tell you when out and about at times when I get the attention I get off on it because damn it I earned it. I worked my ass off literally to have someone look!
It is what we do with the attention cause for me they can look and I can get all juiced about it but I will always return to the that man beside me and he proud to be by myside and say look she is mine.
Communaction is key in any relationship ...We have a note on our fridge that reads REMEMBER TO TALK!
Best of luck and let her know how special she is!
Our old friend/enemy ATTENTION he can boost our egos or make us do stupid things! I think what is a little different for you case is that both you and your wife had RNY within weeks of each other so both of you are going through the attention syndrome.
You did act on it to a degree yet didn't cross the major line which I am sure took restraint but where I may differ I think that the woman deserves to know why you had to end things is in order she maybe wonder now "WHat is wrong with me". If you just upped and stopped all contact explain I made a poor choice and love my wife and want it to work. (I am sure this may not be a shared feeling but she was there for you when you needed an ear and to shut her out cold is not fair)
Now, the Mrs and yourself I think you both need support and therapy. You know where to find the support if you need us and if you want to even have a person support group we will help you. Therapy is needed for you one on one then couples therapy. We have a great therapist that works out of Barix Dr. Connolly. Can you make it to a Saturday meeting to meet her? Or I can give you her contact information she is also running a group for just about 8 people.
From reading this I can tell you love your wife but you let the attention control you and trust me you are not alone on this many have been pulled into the attention grip after RNY. We get attention from people that would not give us a second look in the past. I will tell you when out and about at times when I get the attention I get off on it because damn it I earned it. I worked my ass off literally to have someone look!
It is what we do with the attention cause for me they can look and I can get all juiced about it but I will always return to the that man beside me and he proud to be by myside and say look she is mine.
Communaction is key in any relationship ...We have a note on our fridge that reads REMEMBER TO TALK!
Best of luck and let her know how special she is!
Steve,
Over the past year, you and Tara and the kids have become really good friends of ours. It all started with Abby and Dee becoming friends and it just blossomed from there. You guys were there for me when I finally made the decision to have RNY and even came and visited me in the hospital although I was quite drugged up at the time!! That meant more to me than you realize. Anyway, Steven and I want to support you however we can. For your family's sake I want you and Tara to work it out, but also for your kids as well. You and Tara supported me and now I want to support you!! If you want we will take BOTH kids for an overnight on a weekend so you can have time together without the kids. You need to find your way back to each other.
Steven and I are here for all of you...call anytime!!
Beth
Over the past year, you and Tara and the kids have become really good friends of ours. It all started with Abby and Dee becoming friends and it just blossomed from there. You guys were there for me when I finally made the decision to have RNY and even came and visited me in the hospital although I was quite drugged up at the time!! That meant more to me than you realize. Anyway, Steven and I want to support you however we can. For your family's sake I want you and Tara to work it out, but also for your kids as well. You and Tara supported me and now I want to support you!! If you want we will take BOTH kids for an overnight on a weekend so you can have time together without the kids. You need to find your way back to each other.
Steven and I are here for all of you...call anytime!!
Beth
http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wvHjqcu/">
http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wvHjqcu/weight.png">>
Steve,
Your pain so clearly comes through in what you've written and I know it must have been gut-wrenching to write it down and post it publicly.
Have you shared exactly what you've written with your wife? It seems to me that would be a very necessary first step. You need to regain her trust and that starts with not hiding, not lying, not dancing around the issues, and in being open with what's in your heart.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I find it harder in many ways to deeply talk to him than in the early days of our relationship, because it so often seems like we've already said everything... if that makes sense. And as time goes on, even the little things become so loaded with history that you can be reluctant to bring them up. But it's still so critical to keep those lines of communication open and clear, because without them, the relationship stagnates.
I have great friends - mostly girls - who I can talk to literally about anything. He has great friends - mostly guys - who he talks to. It works, and it's important and healthy. But I think you're hitting the nail on the head that it's not "talking" that you were looking for - it was acknowledgement of the "new you" - rediscovery or discovery of yourself as a sexy person.
I have a theory (it's only my theory, so bear with me) that those of us who were obese all our lives or who became obese in childhood or teenage years became "stunted" in our sexual growth at that time. (chicken and egg situation - did i become stunted to avoid sexual development or did I avoid sexual development because I gained weight?) By sexual development, I'm not talking the physical, but the emotional and social side of things - how to "flirt" and how to read signals from potential partners, how to handle hormonally charged situations, etc.
Now that we've lost the weight we were hiding behind, we have to go through that delayed "puberty" (the awkward hormonally charged learning process) and figure out who we are as newly sexual creatures. Just as there are a thousand ways teenagers go through it, so do we - some by acting out, others by becoming promiscuous, others by flirting or dressing sexy, others by digging even deeper into an existing relationship, etc. Those who can't handle it or don't know how to handle it... well, I think they're the ones who only get so far before self-sabotaging their weight loss.
Your wife is going through something similar, compounded by the hurt and betrayal she feels at the change in the trust level in your relationship. At a time when everything else around her is changing so rapidly, the one thing she thought she knew (you) has proven to be shaky. That's scary, and her anger, hurt, and fear is very understandable.
As others have said - get thee to a good relationship counselor. Go alone if she won't go with you. Be open and honest and share with her what you're feeling, fearing, dreading, elated about, and most of all NEEDING. Share how much you value her, but tell her WHY you value her. Saying "I love you" is one thing - telling her "I love how you brush your hair at night before we go to bed" is something else entirely - it lets her know you NOTICE and appreciate things. And be patient - things didn't break down overnight and they won't be fixed overnight.
Court her, date her, and show her how you feel. It's the only way you'll ever repair what's broken.
All my best to you and to her.
Karen
Your pain so clearly comes through in what you've written and I know it must have been gut-wrenching to write it down and post it publicly.
Have you shared exactly what you've written with your wife? It seems to me that would be a very necessary first step. You need to regain her trust and that starts with not hiding, not lying, not dancing around the issues, and in being open with what's in your heart.
My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I find it harder in many ways to deeply talk to him than in the early days of our relationship, because it so often seems like we've already said everything... if that makes sense. And as time goes on, even the little things become so loaded with history that you can be reluctant to bring them up. But it's still so critical to keep those lines of communication open and clear, because without them, the relationship stagnates.
I have great friends - mostly girls - who I can talk to literally about anything. He has great friends - mostly guys - who he talks to. It works, and it's important and healthy. But I think you're hitting the nail on the head that it's not "talking" that you were looking for - it was acknowledgement of the "new you" - rediscovery or discovery of yourself as a sexy person.
I have a theory (it's only my theory, so bear with me) that those of us who were obese all our lives or who became obese in childhood or teenage years became "stunted" in our sexual growth at that time. (chicken and egg situation - did i become stunted to avoid sexual development or did I avoid sexual development because I gained weight?) By sexual development, I'm not talking the physical, but the emotional and social side of things - how to "flirt" and how to read signals from potential partners, how to handle hormonally charged situations, etc.
Now that we've lost the weight we were hiding behind, we have to go through that delayed "puberty" (the awkward hormonally charged learning process) and figure out who we are as newly sexual creatures. Just as there are a thousand ways teenagers go through it, so do we - some by acting out, others by becoming promiscuous, others by flirting or dressing sexy, others by digging even deeper into an existing relationship, etc. Those who can't handle it or don't know how to handle it... well, I think they're the ones who only get so far before self-sabotaging their weight loss.
Your wife is going through something similar, compounded by the hurt and betrayal she feels at the change in the trust level in your relationship. At a time when everything else around her is changing so rapidly, the one thing she thought she knew (you) has proven to be shaky. That's scary, and her anger, hurt, and fear is very understandable.
As others have said - get thee to a good relationship counselor. Go alone if she won't go with you. Be open and honest and share with her what you're feeling, fearing, dreading, elated about, and most of all NEEDING. Share how much you value her, but tell her WHY you value her. Saying "I love you" is one thing - telling her "I love how you brush your hair at night before we go to bed" is something else entirely - it lets her know you NOTICE and appreciate things. And be patient - things didn't break down overnight and they won't be fixed overnight.
Court her, date her, and show her how you feel. It's the only way you'll ever repair what's broken.
All my best to you and to her.
Karen
I think you should really sit her down and tell her how you feel. This is really going to take alot of effort and work. As far as the "friend" at work very inapropiate to have raunchy conversations I mean put yourself in Tara's shoes. How would you feel if it were her that it happened with? I see you are remorseful and understand and also I kind of see where you are coming from with losing the weight and feeling better about ourselves and looking better I am guessing its also bothering her that your co-workers are witnesses to this too. Its embarassing to her also. And why you would have gone over to her house????? Yup I would have had lots to say had it have been my husband because I never ever pull any punches. Sorry Steve but if this co-worker doesn't see why you adviod her she has to be pretty stupid! You are a married man and that is the bottom line. Both of you knew that and in the work place no less. Yup you do deserve how she feels so it is up to you to make things right and you will have your work cut out for you. Now that I have said my piece either get counseling both of you or like I always said just because you are married does not mean you should stop dating. I mean each other! Make a date night one night a week and do something together even if its going for a walk and hold hands, go to the park, go to the museums, go to things in your community . I agree with Susan I would go above and beyond and romance her. Trust is a very hard thing to gain back once its lost but if this means so much to you and you put your heart and soul into it then its worth it. Like I said to my husband when you do something before you do it just think about it and say to yourself if I do this what will the consequences be? Good luck to you both.
As the "wife" in all of this mess, I am thankful to see that there are some people here who can understand just how devastating this thing has been; however, the full extent can never been understood by anyone other than Steven and myself.
Steve has painted a picture in his original posting of someone *****alizes that they have made a mistake and is remorseful; however, he hasn't been completely forthcoming nor has he exactly been honest since this all came to light. The inappropriate relationship was "a joke" as he put it to me and was something that, to this day, he refuses to acknowledge as deliberate. Of course, one cannot claim the relationship suddenly happened or went wildly out of control when the lies were being told by one spouse to the other in order to conceal the relationship for months and to further hide the obvious sexual interest present as well (I will spare everyone those details).
This situation is not simply a case of one spouse being jealous about the attention the other is receiving as a result of the weight loss. This is a matter of being lied to. My husband has been consistently lying about a variety of things (some more minor and others extremely devastating) and yet I have stood by his side for 12 years. Prior to this, I never doubted his loyalty to me and our family. But as you all have read (and I learned for the first time), he actually enjoyed the idea that others believed he was sharing a sexual relationship with this woman at work despite the obvious embarassment it would mean for his wife and children.
He was in this woman's house (ALONE WITH HER) on more than one occasion. He took time away from me to spend time with her, he walked away from our family to be available for her. He never told me anything. I found out on my own. I asked him had I not discovered what was truly happening, how far would it have gone. He admitted he probably would not have stopped and I do believe that to be true having read their text messages. After discussions with our rabbi, I explained that in order for me to stay in the marriage he had to come clean, tell me the complete truth and stop the lies then and there. Needless to say, he promised the world, promised there were no other stories to be told, lies to be uncovered, etc. Of course, that later turned out not to be true.
And herein lies the root of the problem. Steven has a real problem with the truth. I will no longer accept anything less. The one area in which I once had complete faith in him has now been destroyed and with it all trust. I no longer like myself when I am with him. I have discovered him being less than honest since this event and have even questioned why he doesn't discuss the fact that he is married. His answer has literally been that he is listed as married on Facebook and that combined with his wedding ring which he wears daily is advertisement enough. So...
And as if that wasn't enough, he has also explained to me that he is not satisfied in his lack of sexual experiences with other people. There is no way that I, as the wife, can even be the least bit comforted by that statement given what has transpired. My weight loss has brought me happiness in that I found more energy to spend time with my family. I notice people treat me differently; however, I do not need or crave the attention of another man to fulfill me. I am sad to say that Steve has pointed out over the past few months that being married is not enough for him any longer (despite his above writing) as he continues his daily claim to feel sexually inadequate and inexperienced and I just cannot live with someone who can no longer appreciate what is right in front of him. His feelings of inadequacy and regret over lack of experience largely brought us to this point and still exist. When combined with the ongoing lies and concealments, how am I to stay committed to this relationship. I truly do not believe counseling can help us at this point as this is not merely about marriage behaviors. This centers around the telling of lies and regrets about the past (which cannot be corrected without stepping outside the boundaries of our marriage).
I don't know exactly why I decided to respond to any of this now other than to vent and to say that the other woman deserves nothing. She went into this with her eyes wide open. She was not taken advantage of in any way. She was not a victim. Steven never broke it off with her. He never directly chose his wife or his family. I emailed her myself telling her that the relationship was inappropriate and had to cease immediately as it was damaging the marriage. Steven couldn't even commit to doing that. Immediately following our first fight on this subject, his first reaction was to be concerned about her feelings and called her in order to soothe her. So as to his claim that she doesn't know what happened to their relationship, she knows and he is aware that she knows.
Anyway, I am lost as to where to go from here. The lies haven't stopped. His feelings (of regret) are still present. Nothing has changed yet he claims everything has changed. I feel that I am dealing with an addict who suddenly claims they no longer need the substance that controls his/her life. I would love for him to see that simply saying "I love you" doesn't change anything that led him to the place that enabled him to stray and will not stop him from going back there...there have ALREADY been signs.
Well, I'm just going to sign off without any real closure here as I really don't know what else to say other than I love the fact that I am no longer the person I was before the surgery. I feel less afraid of the public on the whole and only wish that my marriage had made it through the journey with me. I thought this was something we were doing together (to be happier together) but it has only thrown us apart.
Thanks for listening!
Steve has painted a picture in his original posting of someone *****alizes that they have made a mistake and is remorseful; however, he hasn't been completely forthcoming nor has he exactly been honest since this all came to light. The inappropriate relationship was "a joke" as he put it to me and was something that, to this day, he refuses to acknowledge as deliberate. Of course, one cannot claim the relationship suddenly happened or went wildly out of control when the lies were being told by one spouse to the other in order to conceal the relationship for months and to further hide the obvious sexual interest present as well (I will spare everyone those details).
This situation is not simply a case of one spouse being jealous about the attention the other is receiving as a result of the weight loss. This is a matter of being lied to. My husband has been consistently lying about a variety of things (some more minor and others extremely devastating) and yet I have stood by his side for 12 years. Prior to this, I never doubted his loyalty to me and our family. But as you all have read (and I learned for the first time), he actually enjoyed the idea that others believed he was sharing a sexual relationship with this woman at work despite the obvious embarassment it would mean for his wife and children.
He was in this woman's house (ALONE WITH HER) on more than one occasion. He took time away from me to spend time with her, he walked away from our family to be available for her. He never told me anything. I found out on my own. I asked him had I not discovered what was truly happening, how far would it have gone. He admitted he probably would not have stopped and I do believe that to be true having read their text messages. After discussions with our rabbi, I explained that in order for me to stay in the marriage he had to come clean, tell me the complete truth and stop the lies then and there. Needless to say, he promised the world, promised there were no other stories to be told, lies to be uncovered, etc. Of course, that later turned out not to be true.
And herein lies the root of the problem. Steven has a real problem with the truth. I will no longer accept anything less. The one area in which I once had complete faith in him has now been destroyed and with it all trust. I no longer like myself when I am with him. I have discovered him being less than honest since this event and have even questioned why he doesn't discuss the fact that he is married. His answer has literally been that he is listed as married on Facebook and that combined with his wedding ring which he wears daily is advertisement enough. So...
And as if that wasn't enough, he has also explained to me that he is not satisfied in his lack of sexual experiences with other people. There is no way that I, as the wife, can even be the least bit comforted by that statement given what has transpired. My weight loss has brought me happiness in that I found more energy to spend time with my family. I notice people treat me differently; however, I do not need or crave the attention of another man to fulfill me. I am sad to say that Steve has pointed out over the past few months that being married is not enough for him any longer (despite his above writing) as he continues his daily claim to feel sexually inadequate and inexperienced and I just cannot live with someone who can no longer appreciate what is right in front of him. His feelings of inadequacy and regret over lack of experience largely brought us to this point and still exist. When combined with the ongoing lies and concealments, how am I to stay committed to this relationship. I truly do not believe counseling can help us at this point as this is not merely about marriage behaviors. This centers around the telling of lies and regrets about the past (which cannot be corrected without stepping outside the boundaries of our marriage).
I don't know exactly why I decided to respond to any of this now other than to vent and to say that the other woman deserves nothing. She went into this with her eyes wide open. She was not taken advantage of in any way. She was not a victim. Steven never broke it off with her. He never directly chose his wife or his family. I emailed her myself telling her that the relationship was inappropriate and had to cease immediately as it was damaging the marriage. Steven couldn't even commit to doing that. Immediately following our first fight on this subject, his first reaction was to be concerned about her feelings and called her in order to soothe her. So as to his claim that she doesn't know what happened to their relationship, she knows and he is aware that she knows.
Anyway, I am lost as to where to go from here. The lies haven't stopped. His feelings (of regret) are still present. Nothing has changed yet he claims everything has changed. I feel that I am dealing with an addict who suddenly claims they no longer need the substance that controls his/her life. I would love for him to see that simply saying "I love you" doesn't change anything that led him to the place that enabled him to stray and will not stop him from going back there...there have ALREADY been signs.
Well, I'm just going to sign off without any real closure here as I really don't know what else to say other than I love the fact that I am no longer the person I was before the surgery. I feel less afraid of the public on the whole and only wish that my marriage had made it through the journey with me. I thought this was something we were doing together (to be happier together) but it has only thrown us apart.
Thanks for listening!
I give you a lot of credit for the whole post. And I totally understand your feelings.
Despite what this thread alone has said in response to Steve's initial post, he had been told many a time that he seemed to be false, or just enjoying advertising things that should not be advertised.
None of us are behind the closed doors. None of us knows what really happened or continues to happen. Am I inclined to believe more in your story than his? Well that's neither here nor there and really, none of any of our business.
I congratulate you on doing what you need to do to keep "successing" on this journey. This can in no way be easy, and many of us probably see or understand that.
The suggestions made are of course basically the "basics" - IE counselling, talking, etc. I remember way back a time when problems seemed to be arising - and all those same suggestions were made at that time. If things haven't changed since then, they probably won't.
I wish you the best of luck in all of this and in your future. You do, by the way, look absolutely INCREDIBLE. No reason for ppl to treat you different - but as many of us attest to, they do, and that is just society in and of itself which is just ridicilous. And a whole other thread. Congrats once again!
Please be sure to know you are welcome back here at any time, or you can PM me if you need anything at all.
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
From the beginning of Steve's post, I kept thinking to myself, 'this sounds like it (the post) is being written for some other purpose." Sure enough, working my way down to the bottom, I read from his VERY ATTRACTIVE wife the story from the other point of view. He is out there, putting his tale out there so wifey will read it! I realize it doesn't matter what I think or anyone else thinks, but, and we all knew there was going to be a "but", sounds to me like the only thing Steve has realized is that he screwed up and is doing and saying whatever he can to try and keep his wife. Doesn't matter if he never physically cheated, he chose to get intimately involved with a woman. The fact that it was kept secret is a red flag to Steve's knowing it was wrong. Is he blaming his weight loss as the over powering force that made him do it? He did it, no one, no thing did it. His excess weight doesn't follow him around, winking at the ladies. No, he does. His excess weight didn't agree to go out for lunch with a woman who wasn't his wife. He did. Period. And he is even saying that he wished he would have had more sexual partners in the past? Wow, sounds to me like it's just a matter of time. He is looking for sympathy, but in all honestly, he needs to be looking for answers inside himself. He was invisible for so long and now that he thinks he is looking better and is getting more confident, he is starting to allow his "male part" do the thinking. Sounds like he has become television's favorite cliche.
At this point, sounds like Wife is nowhere near the point to want to go to counseling. She probably can't stand being in the same room. And Date Night?? No, this is not some Hallmark movie. Lies bring hurt. Hurt brings resentment. Resentment brings disgust. Once you have lost respect for someone, you cannot get it back.
Wife, you look beautiful and you are strong. You don't have to stay in a situation thinking there is no place to go. Grab your happiness and dance in it. You only have one life!
And the worst thing of all is he will NEVER know the hurt that he inflicted with his "joke."
At this point, sounds like Wife is nowhere near the point to want to go to counseling. She probably can't stand being in the same room. And Date Night?? No, this is not some Hallmark movie. Lies bring hurt. Hurt brings resentment. Resentment brings disgust. Once you have lost respect for someone, you cannot get it back.
Wife, you look beautiful and you are strong. You don't have to stay in a situation thinking there is no place to go. Grab your happiness and dance in it. You only have one life!
And the worst thing of all is he will NEVER know the hurt that he inflicted with his "joke."
Most Active
Recent Topics
