how i messed up my life...LONG
I have really gone and f'd up my life.....I post this here because I do think it's RNY related.....I think this is gonna be a long one.
At my fluffiest, I believe that is the approved word, I had very little self esteem. I also had very few friends. I got married early, and most of my friends didn't. As time went on, others moved away.
I have been desperate for someone to talk to. While the obvious answer is "talk to your wife" she is my everyday companion. I felt so unattractive, and not worthy of friendship, so I probably didn't try to find it hard enough. I was probably clinically depressed......
Fast forward to the RNY...and the after shock. I began to no look like the "fat slob". While, I still don't see it, others make comments all the time. My self esteem is higher. I had posted about a work friend, of the female persuasion. She approached me. I was shocked! That has never happened before, or at least in a very, very long time. We just became friends, and confidants. We were going for walks during lunch at work. And we began talking. It wasn't anything inappropriate, until one day, it took a turn.....
We never did anything. Never kissed, held hands or anything. But when my wife found out about our conversations, and how raunchy they had become, she was upset by this. I understand why. I was even in this woman's house, was meeting up for coffee (in the work kitchen).
I liked the attention. it was different from my wife's attentions....she has to be there. she's my wife. I took her for granted. I liked how the rumors at work swirled that we were sleeping together. My wife knew that we were walking....but she was unaware as to how many times a day, She was unaware that I went to her house at lunch, or that rather than walking, we were going out for lunch, on dates. We never touched, but when my wife blew up about it, and pushed for details (which I hid), she asked what I would have done if I had an opportunity. Truthfully, I don't know what I would have done, but I don't think it would have been the right thing.
Worse, I have become rabidly jealous. She looks terrific since her RNY. I see that people are looking at her now. It's changed the dynamic of our relationship. She is looking for friends, and I freak out about "Girls Nite".
I know I am a huge hypocrite. Now my life is messed up. I am holding on to my marriage by strings. She's ready to bolt. I have my spackle. i am trying to patch up what I did. Sometimes, i feel like it's hopeless. That in the end, the allure of her having her freedom is more exciting than me. At least that is how I feel. But the door isn't slammed shut. But it's ups and downs.
I feel worse than I ever have. I don't know why I sought attention from someone else, when I had my wife's attention. I liked that someone else was interested in what I had to say.
I can only hope that I can save things. I am really trying. I know I shook her belief in me. Some days she is suspicious. Other times she wonders if it's because of her looks that I went after someone else. it's not. i liked that someone wanted to be with me. That was it. I tell her it doesn't have anything to do with her, but she won't believe that. Some days things seem better and that we are heading in the right direction. Other times, she asks me to move out.
That's it. I am crying my eyes out. i may have thrown the best part of my life away. I have no real contact with the other woman, other than strictly work issues. We don't email, walk or talk. I avoid her as much as possible. I never explained to her why things have to be that way. She thinks I am a huge jerk, and i am OK with that. It made her go away without drama. I just don't want to lose my wife, because I had someone inflating my ego.
Any advice would be appreciated. But please don't tell me I shouldn't have done it. I know. I know it every day. If I had a time machine, I would reverse time and make sure it didn't happen.
I would like help in putting my life with my wife back together.
At my fluffiest, I believe that is the approved word, I had very little self esteem. I also had very few friends. I got married early, and most of my friends didn't. As time went on, others moved away.
I have been desperate for someone to talk to. While the obvious answer is "talk to your wife" she is my everyday companion. I felt so unattractive, and not worthy of friendship, so I probably didn't try to find it hard enough. I was probably clinically depressed......
Fast forward to the RNY...and the after shock. I began to no look like the "fat slob". While, I still don't see it, others make comments all the time. My self esteem is higher. I had posted about a work friend, of the female persuasion. She approached me. I was shocked! That has never happened before, or at least in a very, very long time. We just became friends, and confidants. We were going for walks during lunch at work. And we began talking. It wasn't anything inappropriate, until one day, it took a turn.....
We never did anything. Never kissed, held hands or anything. But when my wife found out about our conversations, and how raunchy they had become, she was upset by this. I understand why. I was even in this woman's house, was meeting up for coffee (in the work kitchen).
I liked the attention. it was different from my wife's attentions....she has to be there. she's my wife. I took her for granted. I liked how the rumors at work swirled that we were sleeping together. My wife knew that we were walking....but she was unaware as to how many times a day, She was unaware that I went to her house at lunch, or that rather than walking, we were going out for lunch, on dates. We never touched, but when my wife blew up about it, and pushed for details (which I hid), she asked what I would have done if I had an opportunity. Truthfully, I don't know what I would have done, but I don't think it would have been the right thing.
Worse, I have become rabidly jealous. She looks terrific since her RNY. I see that people are looking at her now. It's changed the dynamic of our relationship. She is looking for friends, and I freak out about "Girls Nite".
I know I am a huge hypocrite. Now my life is messed up. I am holding on to my marriage by strings. She's ready to bolt. I have my spackle. i am trying to patch up what I did. Sometimes, i feel like it's hopeless. That in the end, the allure of her having her freedom is more exciting than me. At least that is how I feel. But the door isn't slammed shut. But it's ups and downs.
I feel worse than I ever have. I don't know why I sought attention from someone else, when I had my wife's attention. I liked that someone else was interested in what I had to say.
I can only hope that I can save things. I am really trying. I know I shook her belief in me. Some days she is suspicious. Other times she wonders if it's because of her looks that I went after someone else. it's not. i liked that someone wanted to be with me. That was it. I tell her it doesn't have anything to do with her, but she won't believe that. Some days things seem better and that we are heading in the right direction. Other times, she asks me to move out.
That's it. I am crying my eyes out. i may have thrown the best part of my life away. I have no real contact with the other woman, other than strictly work issues. We don't email, walk or talk. I avoid her as much as possible. I never explained to her why things have to be that way. She thinks I am a huge jerk, and i am OK with that. It made her go away without drama. I just don't want to lose my wife, because I had someone inflating my ego.
Any advice would be appreciated. But please don't tell me I shouldn't have done it. I know. I know it every day. If I had a time machine, I would reverse time and make sure it didn't happen.
I would like help in putting my life with my wife back together.
Putting this out there is a great step!
You have come clean with your intentions and regrets.
Do whatever you can to make it right, try counseling..... talk talk talk...respect her feelings and mostly love . Trust is something that you work on ...it doesnt come easily.
I wish you the best of luck!
You can't go back but you can make it up, and learn from mistakes. Nobody is perfect and I am sure your wife understands that to a degree. Just remember she is probably shocked embarassed and angry, that can change.
Hope my ramblings help
You have come clean with your intentions and regrets.
Do whatever you can to make it right, try counseling..... talk talk talk...respect her feelings and mostly love . Trust is something that you work on ...it doesnt come easily.
I wish you the best of luck!
You can't go back but you can make it up, and learn from mistakes. Nobody is perfect and I am sure your wife understands that to a degree. Just remember she is probably shocked embarassed and angry, that can change.
Hope my ramblings help
Lynn
HW-237/SW-225.8/GW-130
Hey Steve,
Long time, no talk!!
I can totally relate to the attention. As you may or may not know, my husband and I were separated 3 weeks before my surgery and then got back together after my surgery, broke up again and then we are back together again!!! But during the time we weren't together and I was losing all kinds of weight and getting smaller and smaller, the attention was just unbelievable. Then when I got basically to goal and was out dating, I was so thrilled at all the attention I was getting. I was thriving off of it also. Made me think of Garry less and less. It wasn't until he saw me out on a date, where I was having so much fun, that he realized what he was losing. That's when we got back together. Believe me, what he put me through, he's lucky that I stayed around. Because at that point I could have had any man I wanted...I don't want to sound conceited, but that's the kind of attention I was getting.
When we first got back together and I was going out all the time, he just couldn't believe it. I never went anywhere. I hated leaving the house. So this was so totally new for him and it was EXTREMELY hard on him. He had to know everywhere I was going, who I was talking to, why I wanted to go out with my friends and not him. It was really annoying and really a pain in my ass. He was so nervous that I was going to meet someone else and I would leave him. This is something that we all experience and it's something that spouses have to deal with. He still has issues when I go out even now, and I'm 6 months pregnant...lol!!! But he's come a long way.
Loving the attention is because we never had it before. And it so nice when you feel wanted. It's an adrenaline rush and it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It just gives you so much confidence; confidence we never had before. How can someone not like the attention. I eat it up. It's when you act on it is when you could get in trouble. If you're both getting it, talk about it to each other. Tell each other how great it is. Just be open about EVERYTHING!!!
If your marriage is meant to be, it will stand the test of time and all this stuff that we're going through. You and your wife need to constantly communicate about things and reassure each other that you're in love and that you want to be with each other. Continue to be open and honest. I'm telling you, if it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not, and you've tried your hardest to make it work, at least you know that you tried.
Good luck!!!
Long time, no talk!!
I can totally relate to the attention. As you may or may not know, my husband and I were separated 3 weeks before my surgery and then got back together after my surgery, broke up again and then we are back together again!!! But during the time we weren't together and I was losing all kinds of weight and getting smaller and smaller, the attention was just unbelievable. Then when I got basically to goal and was out dating, I was so thrilled at all the attention I was getting. I was thriving off of it also. Made me think of Garry less and less. It wasn't until he saw me out on a date, where I was having so much fun, that he realized what he was losing. That's when we got back together. Believe me, what he put me through, he's lucky that I stayed around. Because at that point I could have had any man I wanted...I don't want to sound conceited, but that's the kind of attention I was getting.
When we first got back together and I was going out all the time, he just couldn't believe it. I never went anywhere. I hated leaving the house. So this was so totally new for him and it was EXTREMELY hard on him. He had to know everywhere I was going, who I was talking to, why I wanted to go out with my friends and not him. It was really annoying and really a pain in my ass. He was so nervous that I was going to meet someone else and I would leave him. This is something that we all experience and it's something that spouses have to deal with. He still has issues when I go out even now, and I'm 6 months pregnant...lol!!! But he's come a long way.
Loving the attention is because we never had it before. And it so nice when you feel wanted. It's an adrenaline rush and it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It just gives you so much confidence; confidence we never had before. How can someone not like the attention. I eat it up. It's when you act on it is when you could get in trouble. If you're both getting it, talk about it to each other. Tell each other how great it is. Just be open about EVERYTHING!!!
If your marriage is meant to be, it will stand the test of time and all this stuff that we're going through. You and your wife need to constantly communicate about things and reassure each other that you're in love and that you want to be with each other. Continue to be open and honest. I'm telling you, if it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not, and you've tried your hardest to make it work, at least you know that you tried.
Good luck!!!
Karen 
Well, as you know, I don't have nearly as much experience in this area. Brian takes pride in "parading me" around. He LOVED me when I was heavy, he LOVED how I looked, and he LOVES the way I look now (saggy boobs and skin and all) and he LOVES the attention I get from others. We have a slightly different type of marriage from the norm...I won't go into details here, but suffice to say, it is still a one person only relationship.
HOWEVER, he needs to feel wanted and he needs to feel that he is the only one for me. I think part of his "fun" of parading me around is the security to know that, at the end of the day, I am going home with him. Not because I "have to" but more rather, because I want to.
I'd seriously suggest counselling if you aren't already involved, and perhaps showing her this post. Sometimes we allow our hearts to pour out here because it is a safe haven from the rest of the world. And I get that. I do that, too. But, perhaps with our honesty here, we need to be able to show others our brut honesty when it really shows. I'm not sure if your wife would think this is all a set u*****t, but it might be worth a try.
Good luck.
HOWEVER, he needs to feel wanted and he needs to feel that he is the only one for me. I think part of his "fun" of parading me around is the security to know that, at the end of the day, I am going home with him. Not because I "have to" but more rather, because I want to.
I'd seriously suggest counselling if you aren't already involved, and perhaps showing her this post. Sometimes we allow our hearts to pour out here because it is a safe haven from the rest of the world. And I get that. I do that, too. But, perhaps with our honesty here, we need to be able to show others our brut honesty when it really shows. I'm not sure if your wife would think this is all a set u*****t, but it might be worth a try.
Good luck.
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Steve,
I'm sorry you are having difficulties, but it's never too late to work on things and turn them around. Perhaps you and your wife should go out on a date, and have a long talk about things. Express your feelings and tell her how important she is to you. Marriage can be work sometimes, yet other times it just seems to fit so well and you don't have to think about it....when it's comfortable. Well, now, your marriage needs work and both of you need to work at it and through the problems.
Prayers being uplifted for you and your wife.
Blessings,
Debbie
I'm sorry you are having difficulties, but it's never too late to work on things and turn them around. Perhaps you and your wife should go out on a date, and have a long talk about things. Express your feelings and tell her how important she is to you. Marriage can be work sometimes, yet other times it just seems to fit so well and you don't have to think about it....when it's comfortable. Well, now, your marriage needs work and both of you need to work at it and through the problems.
Prayers being uplifted for you and your wife.
Blessings,
Debbie
Steve,
I think a good many of us have had the experience of "loving the attention",others have shared their experience and what I would suggest, is that you find a good marriage counselor, trying to find one that is familar with the changes people undergo when they've been transformed through this journey of WLS.
Best wishes, Laureen
I think a good many of us have had the experience of "loving the attention",others have shared their experience and what I would suggest, is that you find a good marriage counselor, trying to find one that is familar with the changes people undergo when they've been transformed through this journey of WLS.
Best wishes, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Go to counseling! I was the one that cheated on my husband and came clean to him about it. We went to counseling together and I went alone. I learned how to deal with my emotions and got us talking about our problems. I have a wonderful man that put up with my crap. U are lucky u didnt crosss the line I wished it would have stopped before i did. It takes time to heal for both of u and it will take a lot of patience from you. Wish u both the best of luck!
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