conlicted and long! OY!

I have been going back and forth the last several days.  It started last Wednesday, I was sooo looking forward to my 9 month check-up.  I got to the office and went to the room, the scale said what I expected it to say, so no surprises there - very pleased with my progress.  The nutritionist came in and asked all her usual questions, and I gave all my usual answers including what my goals and limits were per day because I had lost my barix bible.  So, I got the answers that I needed and am now armed to continue my journey either to continue to lose or to finally maintain.  They asked about my exercise, to which I had to reply that I had not done anything formal in over 4 months.  Knowing that this is NOT the answer they wanted, I had to be honest with them AND with myself.  Ok - so, now I am feeling a bit frustrated with myself.

Dr. Pupkova walks in, gives me my hug as normal and reviews with me what the Nutritionist and I have talked about.  She seems genuinely pleased with my progress, would like to see me lose another 20 pounds (That's it?  I think!  I want to lose about 29 more, but OK...good news!)  We talked about my BMI and my normal range and said that I could stand to be in the weight area of about 130-150 lbs.  I am currently 163.  OK - then we started talking about the exercise.  And it seemed as though she was disapointed in me - Now, I have reflected on that - intellectually I know that it is my ability to transfer  my feelings onto others, I know that I am disappointed in myself that I am NOT finding the time to exercise regularly.  And I am sure that she was not nearly as disappinted in me as I am in myself, AND...bottom line, it is I that has to work this amazing gift I was given.  So - here I was for a few days feeling a little frustrated with myself, yet still not feeling able to find any time to take for myself to get in some exercise.

Then Saturday night I was going to dinner and bowling with friends and put on a pair of pants that fit me the week earlier, albeit loose, but still fit, so I put them on and they were too big.  Ok, good problem to have, try another pair of pants, becuase OBVIOUSLY they needed to be washed because I haven't lost any weight in the last few weeks, (No worries there though....actually OK with the scale these days), so I put on another pair - again too big.  WOW - I think to myself, hey - I guess I am finally down to a size 12, which was my major goal - I have rethought that goal BTW, so I told Larry that I really needed to go shopping as again, my clothes were too big.  He is so OK with it - and very proud of me!

I went to Marshall's yesterday and brought back a ton of size 12 pants, put them on with my daughter with me and thought, wow - these are buttoning rather easily.  I wonder if these are the right size.  So, after trying on about 10 different brands of size 12 pants and getting the same results, I went back out and looked at size 10.  I brought back about a dozen pairs, some were too tight, but most were PERFECT!  I walked out of the store with 4 pair of size 10 pants, one pair of size 12 jeans and one pair of size 12 palazzo pants to wear with my awesome boots.  The only reason I bought those was because they didn't have them in the 10's and I REALLY wanted a pair.  So, I am totally conflicted!  I don't want to disappoint anyone, myself included but am really proud of what I have accomplished thus far.

I don't know what my new goals are - with the exception of getting my fluid, protein and calories in each day, I don't know what my body wants me to get to size and weightwise and I REALLY hate my belly flab.  So much so that I think I am going to call the plastic surgeon this week to possibly have that taken care of later this summer.  Part of me thinks that it is too soon to even consider plastics yet, I am not even at a year, I am still struggling with appropriate food choices at times and I know that my brain has not caught up with what my body looks like and I am always focused on what my belly looks like in clothes.  Forget undressed, I am disgusted with what I see, I still see myself as a fat person when I see all the skin just sitting there.  I don't necessarily see a fat person when I am dressed - I do however see my belly and hate it.

So I am where I am - stuck between being pleased with my progress and disappointed that I have not followed through on all of my promises to myself and my family and not sure where to go with it.  Thanks for letting me rant.  I know there are only answers from myself, but saying them to those that understand helps me a lot!

Wow, Steffi, lots going on.

First, I would say that you need to give yourself credit for doing so much that is RIGHT and for reaching and exceeding your personal "size 12" goal. Believe me, that didn't just happen! It happened because of your commitment and dedication.

Are you perfect? No. None of us are. And for you, right now the exercise piece has fallen off the table for a while. It is important to get back into it - doing what you like best - and to get some accountability going in this area. My trainer says, 'Exercise is like church. It's really easy not to go, but once you stop...it's so hard to walk back through that door...." And she's right. The vast majority of my life was spent avoiding exercise in any form. My fear is that the old patterns are still lurking there, and that the old inertia could set in just at the time when it seems that all is pretty much going well.

The plastics question? Hey, go for a conslt appointment. You're bound to learn a lot (which you can share here), and this will help you be prepared for the real thing whenever it rolls around. Knowledge is power, ya know! I know they say it takes a full year for our brains to catch up with our bodies - isn't it amazing to put on those size 10's...knowing in your head that a size 10 is a great size to wear!...but still feeling like you look fat? Like the belly is an insurmountable obstacle? Truth is, I'm told, that the body gives up the belly fat LAST, and that seems to be the case for me. My husband takes a lot of pics of me with his phone when we are out for dinner, and those have become my own "journal" of progress because I really don't see myself as thinner in the way that I really am, but it's easier to see in a picture. I, too, see the belly that remains, whether clothed or not.   (Rambling there, sorry)

Steffi, you are keeping your promises. You may not have been able to keep all of them, to everyone, all at once. It's the promises to ourselves that matter most in this journey (I almost said, "in this battle"). We aren't perfect every minute of every day, every step of the way. Dr. P. wants all of her patients to do their best, to be their best, and to enjoy life in a healthy way....and for our lives to be free of the prison of obesity. She expressed to you that exercise is important to that whole equation, and that's her job. I'd feel badly too, if I felt I had let her down in some way, but that may be the push to motivate you back into the gym, and into leaving those last pounds behind!

So while I"m going on and on...here's a little story: A woman in her 30's took up trail hiking as a hobby. One warm day, she was headed up a particularly steep mountain path and found herself struggling a bit. A man in his 70's came striding along, and noticed she was having a hard time. He stopped to offer a word of encouragement and said, "There's always plenty of mountain ahead. Just count your steps, and every so often, look back and see how far you have come."

How far have you come, Steffi?

wow Lynn.. what an awesome reply.  I especially love the story at the end.  I'm going to print that and put it somewhere.

I don't have anything to add to that, except this.....

Steffi, YOU ROCK!!!! Keep on successing and get your arse to the gym!   LOVE YOU!!!! 

ETA: I've got the exercising thing down, now if I could get the food thing straightened out a bit, I'd be ok.  See even you and I aren't perfect!!!

I will respond more later - but as of this moment - all I can say is I love you and Thanks! :) I needed that! :)

Steffi,

You've done a wonderful job and I am sure that Dr. P was thrilled with your progress. . .  so put down the bat and just realize that you are still in the losing phase of this journey. 

I think what Dr. P stresses is for us to live a sustainable lifestyle.  That being said, I can tell you this, of course, I am older and we are all different, however, now that my "honeymoon period" has passed, my tool still works, however, if I don't have some sort of regular physical activity in my week, then I am apt to see a gain at my current calorie intake (between 1200 and 1500 per day).  For a while I was off the course, not exercising, not eating correctly, it is so easy to fall back into my old ways, but it is never too late to get back to business and for me, I feel best when my day has some kind of activity in it. 

You've come so far, we all are human beings here, none of us are perfect, so please focus on what you've done, as in the story Lynn told you.  Shauna is right to say that we are all "successing" which implies, we are never done until we are done living.

Setting up an appointment for plastics is a great idea, get all the information you need, knowledge is king and when you are ready you will know. . .

Best wishes, Laureen

Hi Steffi - 

I had my 6 month appt. with Dr. P yesterday.  I too am lacking in the exercise department and she called me on it.  However, I truly believe that it's not a disappointment per se on her part, but a real and honest concern for our well being.  She stated to me that although she was pleased with my weight loss and percentage of excess lost, etc. , that she was very concerned about muscle loss and that she wanted me to do something about it. 

We're all in this together and I know that we can do this exercise thing !  


Hugs,
Lisa

Hate to say it, but exercise is the key Steffi.    You can develop the eating habits (and, at only 9 mos. out, the first 6 really didn't count that much as they were governed by recovering from surgery, so you've really only been building new habits for the last 3 (appetite included); that's not a long time.    Look at Nicole's entry from yesterday about how when you are further out your body becomes efficient to the calories you are taking in and adapts.   Even without a change to those eating habits you developed, you can gain weight back and that's frustrating.  A lot of us are right there with her.   Exercise is the component that offsets that.   Building a better, faster, stronger metabolism will offset that.   Going to a PS will uplift you and possibly give you a carrot to dangle in front of you but I can pretty much tell you (and some of us veterans are in that boat too) that the PS will tell you Exercises and Toning will serve your PS best.   If you are gonna put out all that $$, I think you'll want the result to be their best and bloodflow to the skin will do that for you.   Congrats on your loss!!!   You've done a great job!!   Get your arse to the gym!! and aim for size 8's!!!

Your success so far is amazing.  You look wonderful and I'm sure feel a hell of a lot healthier now.  I really believe that everyone has to find a weight that can be maintained forever.  I'd love to lose another 15 and am sure I can but am not sure I'd be able to maintain that without torturing myself daily.

As some others have said here and at meetings, as time goes on it becomes more of a struggle to lose and even to not gain what we have lost.  I was prepared for how difficult this would be so it does not come as a shock that I have to work much harder at this now than for the first year out.

Exercise has got to be included. The weight loss formula is not magic: calories in and calories out.  So as we increase our daily intake the exercise piece is critical.  I never thought that I would become a person who is so committed to the gym or my wii, or whatever, but I know it is a must - not only for weight control but for health and well being.  Find time, make priorities and figure out for yourself when and what you can fit in.  I know how exhausting it is to teach and do all else that you do, but exercise must be a part of this whole process.

Have you tried Zumba?  Google in Zumba.  There are many classes in our area where you can walk in and pay per session.  I would love to go with you if you want. 

Firtst CONGRATULATIONS and take time to celebrate your victories. Your whole life is different and you did that. I am right there with ya sister on all the other thoughts. I am 10 months out, just now trying to make the exercise a habit, still trying to remember to eat the way I should, Not that my eating is really off but there are definately areas that need improvement. I think one of the main differences now is that I am aware of it and working daily to improve it. This is a journey not a destination. (((hugs)))

Oh my dear Steffi.  First, HUGS to ya, girl. 

You are the very definition of 'successing,' you know.  You work at this every day, you work on the eating and the thinking and the attitude and all that.  So now you need to add the final "leg" of the stool - the exercise.  We all do it at our own pace - I knew in my heart that if I didn't start it "day one" then I wouldn't do it.  My fear that I will "lose it" is what keeps me going to the gym on a regular basis (4 - 5 times a week).  If I were to stop, going back would be 10x harder. 

In order to do that, I had to figure out why I hated exercising pre-surg.  For me, it was the resonance of having always been the "fat kid" who couldn't do ANYthing in gym class, looked absolutely ridiculous in those STUPID gym uniforms they made us wear, and was mercilessly teased and bullied by the "pretty" kids.  Think that set up some bad associations with exercise?  Yep.  Couple that with the fact that it always "hurt" to exercise and I had some pretty powerful motivation to just say no.

Once I figure all that out, I set up a program for myself that would short-circuit the past - I exercised in my house at a time when no one else was around, using my Wii Fit.  I walked the nature trail across the street, again at a time when it was highly unlikely that I'd run into anyone (or at least anyone I knew).  I got myself an iPod and loaded it with a ton of really great fast-paced songs that got me wanting to move and dance, then put my earphones on and just did it - again, where no one could see me.  Once I had lost enough weight and gained enough confidence that I wasn't going to totally embarass myself, I tried a Zumba class, and ventured to a really small little gym on campus to try some equipment like rowing machines and the bike.  By that time, I had gained just enough fitness to feel like it was achievable.  From there, I progressed to the gym I'm at now, which is a great fit for me.

I also knew that if I tried to exercise at any time of the day OTHER than before work in the morning, I would have too many excuses that would pull me away from it.  It's just too easy to have to work late, do something for the kids or hubby, have something for my class, need to do grocery shopping, or whatever.  Before work, that little chunk of time was only claimed by sleeping, and I've found that when I'm exercising regularly, I need that little bit LESS sleep and have more energy during the day.  So... no excuses, really!

I think it comes down to really understanding WHY you're reluctant to exercise and to face those demons.  You've conquered so much in the past 9 months, so now it's time to face this last big mental hurdle.  Your rational mind knows why it's so important, so kick-start the other part and get it percolating on understanding the excuses you're letting yourself off the hook with. 

The only one you're disappointing is YOU - but that's the biggest one of all!  The rest of us (and Dr. P) are all so darned proud of you!  You're truly inspirational and a great success at this.  But when there's an area you feel you're letting yourself down with, it's in your best interest to address it head on.  Because that's the crack in your armor that WILL become a vulnerability longer-term when you have down days.  

As to plastics, I say "go for it" if it will help you reconcile the new you with your image of yourself.  Assuming you're working with a good surgeon, s/he will tell you if it's too soon to think about it.  And if it is, at least you're armed with the knowledge and can set a goal for yourself. 

Big hugs for you tomorrow night!  And BIG kudos for your honesty!

Karen