frustrated!
Hi everyone! I have my bypass scheduled for Jan 25th- and I am excited yet nervous of any complications, anesthesia, etc. The surgeon thinks I will do well with surgery because I am young and my BMI is lower. However everyone in my family is scaring me to the point that I dont know if I want to do this!!! My husband (who is not really for me having the surgery either) told me he wants me to be happy and healthy but sees that I dont go to the gym much now and thinks I haven't worked out enough to consider the surgery! The rest of my family told me that they have seen me take off the weight before (but it comes back!) and also they dont see why I would put myself through surgery and risks JUST to be thin?!!?!?AHHH.. it drives me nuts.... so any advice? thanks! Liz
Liz,
That's a tough place to be, when your family is not being supportive. How informed are they about the surgery, its risks, and what your life will be like after surgery? A lot of the time, objections like the ones you cite come from a combination of ignorance (not knowing the facts, not knowing anyone who's post op, etc.) and fear. Most of the time, combatting the ignorance helps lessen the fear.
Can you bring them with you to a support group meeting where they can voice their concerns, meet other people, and get a more rounded picture of life after WLS?
As another tactic, sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms WHY you've chosen to have the surgery. Be honest with them about any comorbidities that you currently have or are at risk of developing, and explain specifically how the surgery and your compliance with the program afterward will help you address and possibly remove those comorbidities. Help them see that for many of us, the risk of dying from our comorbidities is significantly higher than the risk of the surgery itself.
After making sure that they understand WHAT is being done and WHY you've chosen to do it, tell them that you NEED their support. Ask them to give it to you and describe what it is that you need from them - for example:
"In the first 2 - 3 weeks after surgery, I need for you to prepare your own meals, and to understand if I choose to eat separately from you. I'll prepare my own food and will need to concentrate on my own nutritional needs. It's also a time when I'll be 'detoxing' from sugar, fats, and starches, so it will be easier if I can eat on my own withou****ching you. Can you support me in that?"
AND/OR
"Part of my journey will be making myself accountable for my own nutritional choices. I need for you to not become the 'food police' on my behalf. I'll be watching on my own for what I can and can't (or choose not to) eat. If I'm having trouble and need additional support, I will ask you specifically for that support. Can you support me in this way?"
AND/OR
"After surgery, I will not be eating the way I do today. For the first several months, if you wish to eat this food, I need for you to be sensitive and not eat it in front of me or stock in in the pantry. Please enjoy it on your own, but somewhere that I won't see it being consumed or be tempted to have it. Can you help me with this until I feel strong enough for this to not be a problem for me?"
Obviously, you'll need to have your own specific points, but by telling them specifically what you need from them (or need them to avoid) you're giving them a clearer picture of what your recovery period will be like, you're remaining in control of the situation, you're involving them in the process and (probably most importantly) you're setting boundaries.
I realize this can be tough with families in particular, but it's really important to do. The exercise may also help you clarify for yourself what your expectations are post-surgery and will help you keep in mind WHY you're doing this. For most of us, it's not about "JUST being thin"... it's about getting healthy and in many cases overcoming food addiction.
I hope this helps!
Karen
That's a tough place to be, when your family is not being supportive. How informed are they about the surgery, its risks, and what your life will be like after surgery? A lot of the time, objections like the ones you cite come from a combination of ignorance (not knowing the facts, not knowing anyone who's post op, etc.) and fear. Most of the time, combatting the ignorance helps lessen the fear.
Can you bring them with you to a support group meeting where they can voice their concerns, meet other people, and get a more rounded picture of life after WLS?
As another tactic, sit them down and tell them in no uncertain terms WHY you've chosen to have the surgery. Be honest with them about any comorbidities that you currently have or are at risk of developing, and explain specifically how the surgery and your compliance with the program afterward will help you address and possibly remove those comorbidities. Help them see that for many of us, the risk of dying from our comorbidities is significantly higher than the risk of the surgery itself.
After making sure that they understand WHAT is being done and WHY you've chosen to do it, tell them that you NEED their support. Ask them to give it to you and describe what it is that you need from them - for example:
"In the first 2 - 3 weeks after surgery, I need for you to prepare your own meals, and to understand if I choose to eat separately from you. I'll prepare my own food and will need to concentrate on my own nutritional needs. It's also a time when I'll be 'detoxing' from sugar, fats, and starches, so it will be easier if I can eat on my own withou****ching you. Can you support me in that?"
AND/OR
"Part of my journey will be making myself accountable for my own nutritional choices. I need for you to not become the 'food police' on my behalf. I'll be watching on my own for what I can and can't (or choose not to) eat. If I'm having trouble and need additional support, I will ask you specifically for that support. Can you support me in this way?"
AND/OR
"After surgery, I will not be eating
Obviously, you'll need to have your own specific points, but by telling them specifically what you need from them (or need them to avoid) you're giving them a clearer picture of what your recovery period will be like, you're remaining in control of the situation, you're involving them in the process and (probably most importantly) you're setting boundaries.
I realize this can be tough with families in particular, but it's really important to do. The exercise may also help you clarify for yourself what your expectations are post-surgery and will help you keep in mind WHY you're doing this. For most of us, it's not about "JUST being thin"... it's about getting healthy and in many cases overcoming food addiction.
I hope this helps!
Karen
1st congrats on your date... second...well I don't know about advice but I didn't really do the gym before or eat very well etc... gain/lose weight like a good yo yo champion.
However, once I made the decision to do something as 'important' as surgery.. I now... go to the gym, eat right and follow the rules. I am still early out but very optimistic. I find that I am more motivated then ever before. I know that this is a tool I am given to succeed. What i do with it is still my choice.
Give them time and lots of Knowledge about the surgery.
Sandra 
Liz,
Welcome to the boards, and welcome to feeling like society is completely against you. Unfortunately, much of society is miseducated about the procedures...and the fact that is an easy fix.
Now - your husbands concerns about the gym may be a valid point to an extent. You need to understand that exercise and good eating habits are absolute key to the success. If not - although weight loss will still happen early out...later on down the road....you will find stalls, not reaching goal, and/or regain of some or all of your weight.
As far as the comments about having surgery just to be "thin" I assume that is not the case for you. Do you have comorbid factors (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, arthritis to name a few) that you are looking to get under control? If so - make THAT the focus of your discussion.
There's a book out there....I don't have it in front of me....but it's something like "the emergency first aid kit a guide to bariatric surgery" that is awesome - and also addresses families/friends of those undergoing surgery. You and your family may benefit from it.
You must first be honest with yourself and you must first acknowledge the work that you will need to do for the rest of your life.
Attempt to educate them on the surgery and the long term effects of it. The fact that many people find a "cure" to diabetes etc and come off any meds they may need for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes etc. Understand they may not want to listen or understand. Explain the life long diet restrictions you will have....sugar limits, portion limits, fat limits etc. And when you are done explaining, if they continue to have negative things to say explain to them that you A) understand their concern and B) the topic is no longer up for discussion. There is no need for negativity surrounding your decision and you only need support, and if they can't provide that, then they don't need to say anything at all.
Good luck!
Welcome to the boards, and welcome to feeling like society is completely against you. Unfortunately, much of society is miseducated about the procedures...and the fact that is an easy fix.
Now - your husbands concerns about the gym may be a valid point to an extent. You need to understand that exercise and good eating habits are absolute key to the success. If not - although weight loss will still happen early out...later on down the road....you will find stalls, not reaching goal, and/or regain of some or all of your weight.
As far as the comments about having surgery just to be "thin" I assume that is not the case for you. Do you have comorbid factors (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, arthritis to name a few) that you are looking to get under control? If so - make THAT the focus of your discussion.
There's a book out there....I don't have it in front of me....but it's something like "the emergency first aid kit a guide to bariatric surgery" that is awesome - and also addresses families/friends of those undergoing surgery. You and your family may benefit from it.
You must first be honest with yourself and you must first acknowledge the work that you will need to do for the rest of your life.
Attempt to educate them on the surgery and the long term effects of it. The fact that many people find a "cure" to diabetes etc and come off any meds they may need for blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes etc. Understand they may not want to listen or understand. Explain the life long diet restrictions you will have....sugar limits, portion limits, fat limits etc. And when you are done explaining, if they continue to have negative things to say explain to them that you A) understand their concern and B) the topic is no longer up for discussion. There is no need for negativity surrounding your decision and you only need support, and if they can't provide that, then they don't need to say anything at all.
Good luck!
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Thank you so much everyone for your encouragement!! The past two days have been hard- as I was second guessing myself about the surgery, thinking what IF something goes wrong, what if I can't do this? I am going to talk with my surgeon today and hopefully she will reassure me about the surgery. I did sit down and talk with my family more about the actual surgery and they did not know that I had other health problems (high cholesterol, blood pressure, pcos, back pain, etc) so that's the reason they thought I was doing this only to be thin.... they said if this is something I really want they will support me.... it's just so hard to make that final decision and hope and pray that everything turns out good!!
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