Being accountable to you also.....

I was accountable to my hubby earlier. I am a food addict. I thought I was doing well. I know that I will never totally beat my food demons but I am making good progress, and thought I was pretty well under control. I have had a box of Whitman sampler candy in my house since Christmas. I have fought off cravings for it off and on since then. Sweets are my biggest weakness I think. Last night after everyone else was in bed and I was all alone I gave in. I had two pieces of candy followed by about two and half homemade sugar cookies that someone gave my kids. I got sick to my stomach and had horrible pain. Then I took my sleeping pill figuring it would knock me out and I wouldn't feel the belly pain anymore. That whole thing scares me sh**less!!!!!! I not only ate sugar OMG, but I also was sneaky to do it and then covered it up by going to sleep. The more I thought about it today the more scared and upset I got. So I came clean with my hubby and I am coming clean with you guys. Basically I have done well since surgery but here I am 10 months later and BAM I engaged in those old habits just like second nature. I know that a big part of healing and moving forward is to be accountable and work to go on from here. Thank you all for listening. I am renewed and redicated today. And I know that is why it is called successing because it is a never ending process not a final destination. Thanks Belinda  Oh and by the way I took great pleasure tonight in dumping the rest of the candy in the trash, and then got a small bag of sugar free that way when I get the absolute craving for something sweet I can indulge in a piece of that instead.

Belinda,

I applaud the honesty and courage it took for you to post this and for you to admit to your hubby as well.  But that's what it takes, i think - the only way any of us will ever keep the upper hand with this demon of addiction is to put it in a bright light.  I've struggled, too, over the holidays.  I'm still struggling on a day-to-day basis with the need to "nosh" on something - and I'm working on figuring out WHY right now that's such a tough battle.  

I'm understanding more and more as days go by that this IS an ongoing process, not something that's achieved once and then put away in a nice neat package in a drawer somewhere. Also, that this process virtually requires us to dig into those dark corners of ourselves where the scary and moldy things are - cleaning them out, airing them, and coming to terms with them, so that we stop trying to hide them by numbing ourselves with food.   i need to figure out why food that's "snuck" is so much more attractive than food that's eaten "in the open."  And why I seem to always have access to something that shouldn't even be in my house if I KNOW it's a temptation??  

Good for you for limiting the damage, being accountable to it, and for getting rid of the stuff so it won't remain to tempt you again!

Karen

thanks for sharing Belinda.. we are all addicts.  I just started reading the book Anatomy of a Food Addiction because I am trying to understand, too.  Now, I am still scared to death to try sugar and from your post, you have confirmed why.  So, this was not only a help to you, but to me also.  For that, I thank you! 

Don't take this wrong, but at least you got sick from it so you know how bad it really was.  Imagine if you were able to tolerate it.. then what? I shudder to think. 

Glad you were able to purge the leftovers and start over again.  That's what successing is all about!

Keep rocking that tool, girl!

I thinks it's great that this is how you dealt with it!
I hope I have the strength to do the same, because we all know before we start we make alot of grand promises but fail to follow through. I  hope you feel better now!

Your biggest step was saying it to your hubby and on here.  Good for you!!!  I wish you renewed strength that comes from honesty.  We all have our food demons in one form or another but being honest with yourself is a huge piece of fighting those demons.

Belinda,

Kudos to you for being so open and honest.  This is holding you accountable for your actions and will most definitely help you fight off the food demon.  Going into my fifth postop month, I'm so fearful of the food cravings coming back.  It's honest people like you, sharing their experiences that help others who could possibly be tempted with the same food demon.  Fear of dumping is enough to keep me away from sugar at this point.  I also stay away from sugar free cookies and carbs that could possibly be trigger foods for me.  I hope I NEVER go back to craving food like I once did.  In the meantime, I try to surround myself with support in order to be prepared should that happen.

Again, thanks for sharing your experience.

Debbie

Belinda,

Fabulous post.  Both in honesty with yourself (which can be so hard to admit) and also family and us.  Karen is right - you are to be applauded for your honesty and this amazing post!!

I saw my brother struggle with his addiction of heroin - and how many times he would go back to it, almost like an old friend.  And there were many times that I likened myself as a drug addict - scanning the cabinets looking for my next "fix"

It is a daily, and lifetime struggle.  And with support and your determination, your successing is evident.

Stay accountable, stay close to the boards and to your family!

Pam

I spent my entire life sneak eating.

It's hard habit to break.

Someone let me know once you figure out how to do it, and pass it along to me, because I still eat more when I don't have eyes on me.

You are FAR from alone.

Thanks everyone. Your support and the support of my family mean so much to me. One step at a time and I will keep learning how to live a new and better life.

Belinda,

Congratulations on admitting to yourself, your hubby and your support group that you are a food addict, it is by that honest admission and by self acceptance that we continue to get better. 

A good part of what I, personally, as well as others struggle with, is that component of staying honest within what I am doing through accountability, which is why I feel this support forum is such a necessity.  We discussed some of this on Saturday at Barix, and I, too, found myself sneak eating, when there was absolutely no need for it, at work last week.  Like Norm touched on, old habits are hard to break, but I think in self awareness there is hope that we can change things a day at a time.

Also, as has been stated, you are among the lucky people who have tested and found out that for them, there is an immediate consequence to what you are doing.  My consequence is that when I deviate, the negative thinking compounds my behavior and the voices start up, that I will be a failure once more, that everyone who has told me a story about knowing someone who had this surgery and gained all their weight back, will be right and that I am doomed to be a "fat" person all my life and it shows up in pounds on a scale.  However, so long as I make myself accountable to this community of ours, I have a shot at continued successing, because for sure there is no destination, just a continuous possibility at many successing moments.  I wish you many, but also, beware of the sugar free stuff, as sometimes it can lull you into a false sense of satisfaction and the ability to overindulge is there, at least I have found that to be true for myself. 

Thanks, Laureen