feeling bad about someone's WLS outcome
I'm sitting here feeling a hundred different feelings right now - most of them are unrealistic, but real none the less. The wife of a friend of my husband passed away a couple of days ago due to complications from her WLS. She and I had surgery about the same time - April of 2009. I had some minor complications, but am doing fine now. I have lost just under 100 pounds and am feeling great. Unfortunately this lady had nothing but trouble after hers and has been hospitalized multiple times. I don't know the details, but know there was abcess and infection involved. I feel awful about her passing even though I didn't know here personally. Our children are the same age and played football together a few years back. I know I have no reason to feel guilty, but I do. Afterall - she is gone and I am still here. I didn't go to the viewing with my husband because he didn't want me to feel awkward being there. Any words of advice to help my own mental well being and or the next time I bump into this man?
thx ... Holly
thx ... Holly
Nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better. Just remember that she took a chance to make her life a little longer, which no one knows if the surgery prolonged her life or not but GOD is the one that decides when it is our time. You have to know that all of us make our decisions based on what we feel is best. She knew the risks as we all did. Make the best of your decision and maybe lose the next 15 pounds for her if this will make you feel better. I hope I made you feel a little better about your situation, if you need to talk just pm me your number. Good luck and keep your head up. Congrats on your weightloss!
Nikki
Nikki
So sorry to hear about this. That is certainly a horrible situation and I completely understand your emotional reaction. I truly believe that regardless of what happens in our lives God decides when it is time for each of us to pass and nothing we do will change that. It was her time. Deciding to have this surgery was a difficult thing for each of us, and hopefully a well informed decision. I will be thinking of you and your husbands friend in this sad time.
Holly,
You are feeling very understandable survivor guilt - there are a lot of similarities between your life and hers and you move in the same circles. You also shared the burden of obesity and had both reached the point of feeling desperate enough to make a change to warrant life-changing major surgery.
While WLS has an amazingly good track record for safety generally, we have to keep in mind that virtually everyone who has the surgery has some comorbidities, ranging from the mild to the very serious. For some people every year, some combination of those comorbidities, the law of averages, and sheer bad luck combine to result in a bad outcome. Recognize this and let it help you value your own success and good outcome even more.
There is nothing YOU could have done to affect her outcome. It's natural for you to empathize, of course, but don't let yourself fall into the trap of feeling guilty for your own successing. Recognizing that her husband MAY have been sensitive to seeing you IF he relates you with weight-loss surgery. He may not, though - and expressing your sorrow at his loss is entirely appropriate.
Karen
You are feeling very understandable survivor guilt - there are a lot of similarities between your life and hers and you move in the same circles. You also shared the burden of obesity and had both reached the point of feeling desperate enough to make a change to warrant life-changing major surgery.
While WLS has an amazingly good track record for safety generally, we have to keep in mind that virtually everyone who has the surgery has some comorbidities, ranging from the mild to the very serious. For some people every year, some combination of those comorbidities, the law of averages, and sheer bad luck combine to result in a bad outcome. Recognize this and let it help you value your own success and good outcome even more.
There is nothing YOU could have done to affect her outcome. It's natural for you to empathize, of course, but don't let yourself fall into the trap of feeling guilty for your own successing. Recognizing that her husband MAY have been sensitive to seeing you IF he relates you with weight-loss surgery. He may not, though - and expressing your sorrow at his loss is entirely appropriate.
Karen
Holly,
I'm sorry to hear about this tragic situation.
Karen's post summed up exactly what I was going to say. Survivors guilt is a terrible thing to have to deal with. And only time, if anything, will help quell those feelings. If it gets to difficult for you to handle, you may want to talk to a professional about it.
Definately understand that at some point, I'm assuming she had comorbidities, comorbid factors would have consumed her. It may have taken much longer than a year to get her, but her quality of life probably would have suffered greatly over a more prolonged period of time. For me, this would be more difficult than going through this for the past year.
My condolences to your husband, his friend, and their entire family. I pray they are able to overcome this difficult time, along with you.
Pam
I'm sorry to hear about this tragic situation.
Karen's post summed up exactly what I was going to say. Survivors guilt is a terrible thing to have to deal with. And only time, if anything, will help quell those feelings. If it gets to difficult for you to handle, you may want to talk to a professional about it.
Definately understand that at some point, I'm assuming she had comorbidities, comorbid factors would have consumed her. It may have taken much longer than a year to get her, but her quality of life probably would have suffered greatly over a more prolonged period of time. For me, this would be more difficult than going through this for the past year.
My condolences to your husband, his friend, and their entire family. I pray they are able to overcome this difficult time, along with you.
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Holly,
What sad news about your husband's friend's wife passing. I told myself before my surgery, if something happens, it's in God's Hands. He's the one who decides when it is our time.
I can appreciate your feelings, but what happened was totally out of your control. Please try and be thankful for your blessings. So sorry for this sad news.
Thanks to everyone for your comments and wishes. You all made some very good points.
2010 has not imporved any for me ... yesterday we got the phone call that we all dread. My husband's sister passed away from a massive heart attack. She was only a year older than me - 56. She too was heavy and contemplating WLS but had to delay because she lost her job and therefore her insurance. She didn't have heart problems, so I can only assume her weight played a role in her passing.
This growing older stuff really s**ks!
2010 has not imporved any for me ... yesterday we got the phone call that we all dread. My husband's sister passed away from a massive heart attack. She was only a year older than me - 56. She too was heavy and contemplating WLS but had to delay because she lost her job and therefore her insurance. She didn't have heart problems, so I can only assume her weight played a role in her passing.
This growing older stuff really s**ks!
Holly,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband's sister passing and will keep your family in my prayers. . .
I read your original post and the responses to it and I am very familiar with survivors guilt, not as it pertains to this aspect, but in another area of my life which I will not go into here, however, needless to say, what each person said is pertinent and none of us know when our date with destiny will arrive. We who have chosen this path, certainly hope for more time than we would otherwise have had, had we not chosen this way of life. I feel your pain, as I had a cousin who had WLS, she was very successful in her weightloss, but died just short of her 2nd surgiversary, not of complications, nonetheless, after greiving her loss, which was tremendous to me, I chose to have this surgery and because of what I think she may have done that contributed in some way to her death, I am very religious about taking my vitamins and drinking decaffienated drinks.
As for this getting old stuff, as has been said, it's not for sissies. . . (p.s., if you did not know, there is a board on OH for those of us who have passed into the "golden years" and beyond, it is called the Over Fifty Forum and has lots of people our age who, like this board, are very supportive and there are some people there over 8 years post-WLS, so check it sometime)
Kind regards, Laureen
I am so sorry to hear about your husband's sister passing and will keep your family in my prayers. . .
I read your original post and the responses to it and I am very familiar with survivors guilt, not as it pertains to this aspect, but in another area of my life which I will not go into here, however, needless to say, what each person said is pertinent and none of us know when our date with destiny will arrive. We who have chosen this path, certainly hope for more time than we would otherwise have had, had we not chosen this way of life. I feel your pain, as I had a cousin who had WLS, she was very successful in her weightloss, but died just short of her 2nd surgiversary, not of complications, nonetheless, after greiving her loss, which was tremendous to me, I chose to have this surgery and because of what I think she may have done that contributed in some way to her death, I am very religious about taking my vitamins and drinking decaffienated drinks.
As for this getting old stuff, as has been said, it's not for sissies. . . (p.s., if you did not know, there is a board on OH for those of us who have passed into the "golden years" and beyond, it is called the Over Fifty Forum and has lots of people our age who, like this board, are very supportive and there are some people there over 8 years post-WLS, so check it sometime)
Kind regards, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
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