Hubby is freaking... and I'm hot! (Long!)

Not really sure how to start this, as I normally try to deal with things myself and just work though it - but I'm needing some support.

We just got back from Iowa on Monday night, we were there for 10 days (oy!).  Needless to say, the trip didn't go to well.  I used to joke that I have a 3 day limit with my family - and about day 4, the true drama set in.  Just a quick recap, my husband and I have been together for almost 4 years, but only married a little over 1 year.  He obviously knows about my family drama and how unsupportive they can be, but this year it really rattled him.

I hadn't told my sister about the surgery because she wasn't in a good place to talk about it.  She was going through a lot of personal stuff herself and I wanted to wait to have a face to face conversation about it.  Being 1000 miles away, that's hard to do.  My parents basically said I had the chance to tell her while we were home or they were going to tell her.  So I told her on the 3rd day we were there.  She thought I was joking and started laughing.  Once she knew I was serious, she really didn't say anything else.  The next night she came over to my parents house for dinner and that's when she lit into me.  Saying things like You're GOING TO DIE, you never really tried hard, if you just exercised - you wouldn't be fat, etc.  This conversation turned into a 4 hour long debate with our entire family (my sister, both parents, my husband and myself). 

During the 4 hours, Ryan, my husband, didn't say much.  He was noticeably angry with my sister for saying some of the things that she did, but at the same time - didn't stick up for me when I thought he would have.  He's naturally the quiet one of the 2 of us and in that insane environment, I can't really blame him.  During the big blowout, I ended up saying that a lot of what I was going through and how I got to where I was is because no one would ever validate my feelings growing up and that living in PA with a supportive husband made that more of a possibility than being at home.  Which then led into a conversation about us not moving back because it's not a "safe" environment.  The entire thing just snowballed out of control.

So the rest of the week went by touch and go.  Ryan and I agreed that they are insane, but then he flipped out one night because he said my family was preventing him from having a close relationship with his dad.  I reminded him that he and his dad are 10x's closer now that we live out here, but at the same time could see why he felt that way.  I ended up consoling him the entire evening.  So we make the 2 day drive home and we normally talk the entire way. After 10 days with the family, how could we not have 18 hours worth of talking to do?!?  This ride was different though - a lot of silence, and when we did talk, it was about the road conditions.  I tried, but he just wouldn't engage.  He's a sulker and a stewer.  He processes on his own and wants to just be left alone and I process by talking through things and trying to make sense of it all with tangible examples... so I'm sure you can imagine it just wasn't working.

So last night, Ryan gets home from work (I have this week off) and he is noticeably angry at dinner.  I start asking if everything is okay and what happened at work.  I'm thinking a server must have blown up or something (he's an IT guy) for him to be this stressed and angry at the end of the day.  He says "don't worry about it" and avoids making eye contact.  I don't let it go and say that I want to talk about it if it's bothering him, he again pushes it off.  This goes on for about 10 minutes until I finally push him into saying what it is and he says "We're NOT ready for this!".  I think I was more stunned than anything.  I of course asked why not, but all I could get out of him was "I didn't disagree with everything your sister said and I don't think we're ready for this".

And now I'm sitting there like WTF!!!! I'm five flipping days away from surgery and you pull this crap now???  He's been to every support group, almost every appointment with me and even to visit the hospital.  And 5 days away and he makes a blanket statement like that!!!  God, just typing it gets me angry.  He always pulls this crap where he freaks out before a major event and I end up consoling him.  (He did the same thing before we got engaged, before we moved to PA and before we got married.)  Usually it's about a week before and the only way to get him turned around is major blow out fights, tears, and then me consoling him telling him it's going to be alright.

Well I just don't think I have it in me right now.  I'm the one going into surgery in 5 days and frankly, I need him to step up and be the supportive one for a change.  He's great at being supportive with the easy stuff - you know, showing up with me when I need him too, listening to me at the end of a long day, keeping his mouth shut around my family... but when it comes to the big stuff - forget it.

So we met today for a quick lunch, and still no talking.  It was obviously painful and all he could say is "is everything alright"?  Well of course it's not!  There is a huge pink elephant in every room of our house that neither one of us wants to talk about.  My only response was "yes honey, I'm just fine".  He knows that I've made my decision, but he also has probably figured out that I'm not baiting him... I'm not going to go there.  I'm not going to drag this out of him just so I can spend the next 3 days consoling him when I need to put myself first on this one.

This just sucks.  My best friend in the world that has been through every step of this with me just pulled out in one way or another...  I'm busy trying to get everything ready for after surgery and of course it's the major thing on my mind, and now for the first time, I don't have anyone to talk to it about.  This is when I need him the most.  God I hope he comes around over the weekend - because I don't have the emotional energy or time to go down a road of battling in the next few days.

Did any of you go through this with your spouses or significant others right before surgery?

Mel, you sound like such a sweetie, I hope I get to meet you someday at one of Dr. B's meetings.   Not sure exactly what to tell you.   First, I'd suggest you just show him what you wrote as that tells the whole story very nicely.   If he isn't affected from that, he's a butthead (but I don't really think he is- I think he's SCARED of losing you).   He won't lose you.   However, if he'd be pissed that you wrote it all down FOR US to see, maybe when he asks if you are ok you should just go off on him, cry like a girl, tell him you are scared sh*tless and now feel like your best friend just abandoned you in your hour of need when you thought he'd be YOUR rock to get you through.  That all you have to lean on is strangers.   If honesty won't work, guilt the crap out of him, nothing wrong with that.   In the end, after next week, you'll both be fine.   Anticipation is always so much more than reality.   As your your sister, she'll be jealous as heck in about 6 months....teeheehee  

Thanks for the thoughts Jackie - I think my sister is starting to come around... slowly.  This afternoon she sent me a text about a birdseye stirfry mix with less than 2 grams of sugar per serving.  Totally random, but it's telling me that she "heard" me the other night and it's a small step in the right direction!

I'm sorry you're going through this,Melissa. My guess is Ryan is afraid that something will go wrong or that your relationship will be changed when you start losing weight. I didn't go through this--- my boyfriend has been completely supportive. Hang in there and do what you need to do to get healthy. Sending you a big hug!!!

Thanks Julia!  Glad you have great support!

Melissa - I am sooooo sorry you are going through this.  I don't have experience with this because my family was supportive.  I hope you are able to talk through this with your husband.  You are going to need him to be your cheerleader along the way.  You are in my thoughts.

Thanks Beth - appreciate it!  Sorry about your IT (glad Liz asked what it was... I had no idea either!)

Well, don't you guys just sound EXACTLY like me and my husband.  Brian needs to process things.  When we fight it goes on for daaaays because he won't talk.  And I push and push and push which just makes him angrier, because, like you, I need to talk things out.  Here's the thing though...us pushing does not make him talk any more and does not resolve.  Unfortunately, you need to give him his time to be able to talk to you.  In this instance...you don't have weeks on end...but a few days is worth it.  And let him know that you NEED to talk and you NEED to do it before surgery.  You respect his desires to need to be able to process it, but he needs to respect your desires to clear the air between the two of you - especially before such a procedure.

He (and your family) probably have some valid points.  Your husband sounds well educated on the subject with everything he's been through with you thus far.  Mine was too.  And to top it off, he is an EMT and has a VERY sound medical knowledge, which allowed him to understand everything on a deeper level when the doctors spoke.  It didn't change the fact that he was scared out of his mind.  Much more so than I was.  He absolutely freaked the day of my PATs.  That was the first time he had been to Barix (where I was having surgery) and just seeing everything just brought everything to a T.  Those two weeks were an absolute roller coaster.  That day he took me out shopping and bough me ten million things with money we shouldn't have spent, including a new lap top.  It's almost like he was saying without using words "Here...you can have anything you like, anything that sparkles, anything at all.  Just don't die"  Then came the stony silence when he was attempting to process his fears.  Then the nit picking arguments.  And the blow out which ended up for once with HIM crying (I can count 3 times in the past 9 years we've been together the times he's cried, by the way)

You *may* need to console him.  You may need to tell him that his fears are valid.  Don't lie to him and tell him they aren't.  They are his feelings and feelings are generally not wrong.  Especially with the fears that come along with any surgery for any reason.  And it's a life changing event, also something to be wary of.  Is it worth it?  HELL YEA.

Hang in there....it'll most likely get better. You have both been through alot and with someone dealing with family drama at the moment...I know how that can impact a relationship.  Dealing with all of this at once - sheesh.  it's a lot on both of you.  He needs to know you understand where he's coming from, and you need to know he will support you.  Which, I'm sure he does.  He just doesn't know how to right now.

Pam

Pam - your post the other night, actually brought me comfort.  Not that you and your hubby were having family issues (I wouldn't wish that on anyone), but I could read into the tone of your post that you go through similar things with Brian like I do with Ryan.  Thanks for sharing and your kind thoughts!

first *BIG HUGS*

second - I didn't read Pam's post but I probably could have copied and pasted it.

Now... Chris, my hubby and I had been married just under 2 years when I had my surgery - he too "came out and told me that he didn't believe in the surgery and it wasn't the answer. I told him point blank it was. My Mom went through the entire process with me, not my hubby (who also is extremely supportive of everything else) After the fact the truth comes out - he was worried sick that something was going to happen to me. To me it sounds like maybe your sisters ramblings stirred up something in Ryan's head and brought out of the "what if's". My guess, he loves you so much he is scared something is going to happen. And this is something that he can't control or "fix" for you, because at least in Chris' head, that's his job - to fix things for me and take care of me. THere weren't conversations about it before hand and I really wish I had blown up and forced it in hindsight. I would sit him down and explain things to him - tell him about me, or Jackie or all the other people who have been in Dr Brader's hands and see if that helps.

ALso, I don't know if you can get out to Barix this saturday but I believe that they do a "spouses support group" not sure if that is every month or not.

There is also a spouses board here on OH maybe he can find some consulation on there. And we'd all be happy to answer any of his questions - I'll gladly give you my e-mail or phone number if he wants to call too.

Lean on us right now -that's what we are here for!

Keep us posted how things go

Liz