Christmas - out of control (long)
OK folks - really feeling out of control. ARGH. Posting this as "accountability." It's been a rough day. Emotionally, it has been a roller coaster - up and down, with the "bad subcommittees" being loud in my head - feeling fat, feeling clumsy. Anxieties about the presents I've chosen for others and whether they'll like them and whether they're "sufficient" and "equal."
My mom was doing her usual crap - we always go to my in-laws on xmas day and have a really nice xmas eve dinner and xmas morning breakfast with her. We end up hearing a never-ending stream of "woe is me" from her and how she'll just sit and have dinner alone. Never mind that she's ALWAYS invited to the in-laws with us, our neighbors invite her, and my aunt and uncle invite her... and she always turns every invitation down, and it gives her an unequaled opportunity to feel sorry for herself and bring everyone around her down.
The presents I received, many of which were clothes, were all a size too big, because (in my mind, at least) people are still seeing me larger than I am... even though I had told everyone that I've been wearing mediums for a couple of months now. That triggered right into all the bad dialogue in my mind already.
We get to my in-laws and everything there is wacked, as usual. My MIL is literally on her last legs - on oxy full time (but not wearing it like she should). My SIL is deteriorating rapidly due to her addiction issues, and of course has to make everything "about her" and in a really negative way. I sat there and watched 3 adults who know better plus one 18 year old who SHOULD know better pound down one beer after another well beyond the bounds of normalcy - all while bickering and just being nasty. And none of them the least bit WLS supportive.
I tried to control my environment as best as possible - took a spinach casserole that's WLS-friendly, took 2 SF desserts (didn't tell them they were SF). So what did I end up eating?
Well, I started by chowing down on pretzels (Susan, you were right, they're slider foods), cubed cheese (well, not horrible), and dill pickles (definitely not bad). That's the appetizer course. A couple of hours later, dinner hits - still not horrible - had a slice of roast beef (no gravy), some spinach casserole, about a tablespoon of mashed potatoes, some steamed broccoli. Portion control a bit off, but not too bad.
Dessert, and everything goes farther downhill... as things emotionally spiral out of control, I start with a piece (1/10th) of my SF "creamsicle pie" (cherry, with sf oreo cookie crust). Then I have a couple of those SF truffles (I made them small, but still). We come home, and I've since had not one but 2 more slices of the damned pie and 3 more truffles. Just can't control it - pure emotional eating - feeling crappy physically still from this cold and not going to the gym, all of which is feeding into this. I just really feel like crying.
I know I can get back on track and that tomorrow is another day... but today was just painful in many ways. I hate being out of control and being out of control of MYSELF is the worst feeling of all. It's part of the continued struggle I talked about at the last barix meeting - recognizing that I am not in control fo this addiction and that addict-brain is still very active.
i do have a choice each day, whether to focus on the positives or negatives. Today, I made the wrong choices and life got the better of me. I'm certainly not proud of it - and tomorrow needs to be - and WILL be - better.
Thanks for listening and for your ongoing support. Accountability - "warts and all" is an important part of the journey for me - and public acknowledgement of days like this is part of accountability.
Sigh.
Karen
My mom was doing her usual crap - we always go to my in-laws on xmas day and have a really nice xmas eve dinner and xmas morning breakfast with her. We end up hearing a never-ending stream of "woe is me" from her and how she'll just sit and have dinner alone. Never mind that she's ALWAYS invited to the in-laws with us, our neighbors invite her, and my aunt and uncle invite her... and she always turns every invitation down, and it gives her an unequaled opportunity to feel sorry for herself and bring everyone around her down.
The presents I received, many of which were clothes, were all a size too big, because (in my mind, at least) people are still seeing me larger than I am... even though I had told everyone that I've been wearing mediums for a couple of months now. That triggered right into all the bad dialogue in my mind already.
We get to my in-laws and everything there is wacked, as usual. My MIL is literally on her last legs - on oxy full time (but not wearing it like she should). My SIL is deteriorating rapidly due to her addiction issues, and of course has to make everything "about her" and in a really negative way. I sat there and watched 3 adults who know better plus one 18 year old who SHOULD know better pound down one beer after another well beyond the bounds of normalcy - all while bickering and just being nasty. And none of them the least bit WLS supportive.
I tried to control my environment as best as possible - took a spinach casserole that's WLS-friendly, took 2 SF desserts (didn't tell them they were SF). So what did I end up eating?
Well, I started by chowing down on pretzels (Susan, you were right, they're slider foods), cubed cheese (well, not horrible), and dill pickles (definitely not bad). That's the appetizer course. A couple of hours later, dinner hits - still not horrible - had a slice of roast beef (no gravy), some spinach casserole, about a tablespoon of mashed potatoes, some steamed broccoli. Portion control a bit off, but not too bad.
Dessert, and everything goes farther downhill... as things emotionally spiral out of control, I start with a piece (1/10th) of my SF "creamsicle pie" (cherry, with sf oreo cookie crust). Then I have a couple of those SF truffles (I made them small, but still). We come home, and I've since had not one but 2 more slices of the damned pie and 3 more truffles. Just can't control it - pure emotional eating - feeling crappy physically still from this cold and not going to the gym, all of which is feeding into this. I just really feel like crying.
I know I can get back on track and that tomorrow is another day... but today was just painful in many ways. I hate being out of control and being out of control of MYSELF is the worst feeling of all. It's part of the continued struggle I talked about at the last barix meeting - recognizing that I am not in control fo this addiction and that addict-brain is still very active.
i do have a choice each day, whether to focus on the positives or negatives. Today, I made the wrong choices and life got the better of me. I'm certainly not proud of it - and tomorrow needs to be - and WILL be - better.
Thanks for listening and for your ongoing support. Accountability - "warts and all" is an important part of the journey for me - and public acknowledgement of days like this is part of accountability.
Sigh.
Karen
Karen here is where tough love comes in at. Next year pass on going to the MIL and dealing with the crap. The best way to control the enviroment is to not be in it. Sounds like this is not the first miserable time there and will continue on. As far as Mom goes I don't know if she lives with you but I would just firmly tell her she was invited to go places and what she decides is up to her but you don't want to hear it. The too big clothes well just find out where they were bought and return them for size or exchange for whatever you need. Today is another day and next year you should spend time with people you want to be with. If you skip a year maybe they will get the "message" if not oh well. I don't think you were out of control I think you were out of a comfort zone. At the risk of sounding mean I personally will not be around people who drink so if I know that its what takes place I decline to be around them. Sorry I am busy.
Karen,
You are beating yourself up for something that because you are aware of, you can work through. .. awareness is the first step towards change, accepting that you are who you are is the 2nd phase and then comes the really hard part, the change, which is a process and one that never ends. You can only change yourself, so leave the others to their source of power and you are a wonderful, warm and giving woman, with a sensitivty factor that exists in all us "addicts". I say be grateful that food is your addiction, because you are on a path to free yourself from the power it has had on you. I wish you peace today, because yesterday simply was and today is a new beginning!
Hugs, Laureen
You are beating yourself up for something that because you are aware of, you can work through. .. awareness is the first step towards change, accepting that you are who you are is the 2nd phase and then comes the really hard part, the change, which is a process and one that never ends. You can only change yourself, so leave the others to their source of power and you are a wonderful, warm and giving woman, with a sensitivty factor that exists in all us "addicts". I say be grateful that food is your addiction, because you are on a path to free yourself from the power it has had on you. I wish you peace today, because yesterday simply was and today is a new beginning!
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Thank you all for your feedback and support. Today is a better day and I am back in control of what I put in my mouth. Holidays are such loaded times.
Linda, yes, my mother lives with us. There is a never-ending stream of negativity and a lack of self-awareness that is truly overwhelming - everything is always someone else's fault, never hers and according to her she NEVER has bad moods, it's just other people's moods. Very wearing. And we've grown used to the patter every holiday, but it never gets any easier.
As to the MIL and SIL, my guess is that my MIL won't be around for more holidays, as her health is declining so rapidly. SIL's addiction issues are bad enough that who knows where she will be in the future - and her kids are taking the brunt of all of it. My husband (her brother) is watching his family disintegrate before his eyes and finding it hard to keep separate from all that. So he's one of the adults drinking way too much to deal with that, plus being out of work. He quit the hospital job 3 days into it, because he realized it was not what he had expected and he was not comfortable with th elevel of responsibility they were asking of him. Appropriate choice, but very disappointing to the family and to him.
I guess all of this is a way of saying that i'm dealing with a ton of crap right now on the home front. Yesterday, with all the loaded things of the holiday added into it, it was just a breaking point for me. I'm quickly realizing that holidays are very sensitive points for me and are times I need to be particularly wary of. A surprise... another one of many along this journey.
Thank you all for your support and caring.
Karen
Linda, yes, my mother lives with us. There is a never-ending stream of negativity and a lack of self-awareness that is truly overwhelming - everything is always someone else's fault, never hers and according to her she NEVER has bad moods, it's just other people's moods. Very wearing. And we've grown used to the patter every holiday, but it never gets any easier.
As to the MIL and SIL, my guess is that my MIL won't be around for more holidays, as her health is declining so rapidly. SIL's addiction issues are bad enough that who knows where she will be in the future - and her kids are taking the brunt of all of it. My husband (her brother) is watching his family disintegrate before his eyes and finding it hard to keep separate from all that. So he's one of the adults drinking way too much to deal with that, plus being out of work. He quit the hospital job 3 days into it, because he realized it was not what he had expected and he was not comfortable with th elevel of responsibility they were asking of him. Appropriate choice, but very disappointing to the family and to him.
I guess all of this is a way of saying that i'm dealing with a ton of crap right now on the home front. Yesterday, with all the loaded things of the holiday added into it, it was just a breaking point for me. I'm quickly realizing that holidays are very sensitive points for me and are times I need to be particularly wary of. A surprise... another one of many along this journey.
Thank you all for your support and caring.
Karen
Karen I am sorry I didn't mean the ? of Mom living with you as being mean please don't take it as such. That is rough. I send out love to you because you have been so supportive of me also with alot of your feedback. My comment to everyone really is just because they are family does not mean you should celebrate the holidays with them and by not attending functions and doing things you would enjoy and being around people that are kind to me is being kind to ourselves. All too often we feel we "should" spend the holidays and such with them but its tough to do. Sweetie be kind to yourself. Personally I would be very busy and pass on next year but thats just me. Take care. I see hubby is having a tough time with jobs and mine just got word he is laid off also and having a tough time of it so I am extra kind to him. Yes I understand and am sorry that you are dealing with so much. My thoughts are with you. With love.
Karen, I don't have a whole lot of advice since I am dealing with some of my own issues and don't know nor ever really had the fighting family issues.
What I do want to say is just as you said to me.. you can't pick your family, but you do have your support system in us-your chosen family. We are here for you to vent, cry, yell, scream.. whatever. Pick up the phone and call one of us or all of us.. whatever you need to do to help you feel better.
The days are getting longer and the sun will be with us more and more each day now. Let it spread some warmth over you to help you get past these crappy days.
Love from me! Lisa
What I do want to say is just as you said to me.. you can't pick your family, but you do have your support system in us-your chosen family. We are here for you to vent, cry, yell, scream.. whatever. Pick up the phone and call one of us or all of us.. whatever you need to do to help you feel better.
The days are getting longer and the sun will be with us more and more each day now. Let it spread some warmth over you to help you get past these crappy days.
Love from me! Lisa
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