Need advice

I have an acquaintance that just had gastric bypass on the 14th of September.  I ran into this person last night and we were talking about their progress.  They have lost 30 pounds so far and has not lost any in the last month.  I told them they were probably going through their first stall, but the longer we talked the more I am not so sure that's what it is.  They are eating things like a small portion of a HOAGIE!!! I would never dare try a hoagie at almost a year out and here they are doing it at 3 months.  Now they said they got sick after but still why did you try it?  Then they told me they have had half a double cheeseburger from McDonald's minus the bread.  I was shocked.  I have no desire for McDonald's.  I walked away from them thinking why did they have the surgery if they still are going to eat like that.  I feel like I should send them a email warning them that if they continue to eat that way they will not succeed.  The surgery is not a miracle weight loss diet, its a tool and you have to make changes in your life to succeed with it.  So my question is, do I just ignore this, or should I send a polite email voicing my concerns about the way they are doing things?  I am so torn about what to do, but they have already tested their pouch with sweets too!! I am just baffled

Thanks!

I hear where you are coming from. I've seen it to....and it's difficult to watch.

Do you converse with this person (phone, in person....ie, other than email?) on a consistent basis or is the main way of communicating for you with this person via email?  I ask because although I think it is warranted for a ONE TIME "hey whaddya doin" type of conversation....if you normally talk on the phone and/or in person and now you send an email...I think that is sending a mixed message - one that you care - but not enough to bring it to them "face to face"  If, however, most of your communication with this person is electronic and it would be "business as usual" then, that seems fine.

Also understand you probably won't be able to "fix" this person.  As you know there's a lot of mental work with this surgery - and unless they are ready to do it, you can't make them do it.  LIke leading a horse to water type of deal.  You can lead them, but can't make them drink it.  Voice your concerns, back it up with real evidence, and offer to be a support person if you think this is something you can do (be it via email or however)  Maybe offer this website as advice as well.

Oh - and at three months...I was well into solid foods - so although I was holding back on eating carbs and bread - it WAS allowed......when I did try bread it made me sick after eating it - and I ended up boycotting it for quite some time (I do eat it now, however...I still have to be careful as to what kinds)  Not saying what this person did is "right"...but it IS allowable...and just playing devils advocate.  The McDonalds thing totally has me thrown that early out to be caving into those demons.  It's definately a dangerous path.

Pam

This person needs to be aware that the surgery is a last resort.  If you haven't reached to bottom of the barrell, are not ready for the committment, then it is a waste.  They also need to realize that although the tool can work for a lifetime, the weight loss only works at its best during the first 18 months sometimes 24 months.  The window of opportunity is at its maximum in the first 6 months. This time is not to be wasted or squandered on experimentation.  Another point to make is that all sucessing WLS patients are committed to themselves and attend support meetings.  I have met several people who never changed their lifestyle and relationship with food, and gained it all back.  It is important to make changes for a lifetime.  This is not to say that you are giving things up forever, but when you endulge in something it has to be a rare occurence. 

The expression "Friends don't let friends Drink and Drive" applies here.   Friends don't let fellow WLS patients do themselves in.  If your friend is insulted or offended then they just don't want to hear the truth. 

Loree,

I think what Pam said and Nan is good stuff.  I, too, tested my pouch within the first 3 months, but that is my nature, to test the boundaries of what I am told, however, I did realize because I attended support groups and through participation on OH, that doing that was self-defeating and I had not committed to having my insides rerouted to come up short.  Some people think that this is a magic cure to obesity, they just don't get it, that the surgery is a tool and we still have to choose to do the next right thing. . .

If you are friendly enough with this person, ask them a few questions about what they are doing for support and let them know that from your own personal journey that you are concerned that the choices they are making might bring results that are less than what they choose by having the surgery for in the first place, you might suggest OH as a means of support and tell them, statistics show that people who participate in some sort of support regularly do better over time than those that don't. 

Best wishes, Laureen

I don't find it appalling or surprising. I did the same thing. For some, the first few month-year are hard core follow rules. I was the opposite. I was hard core..."what rules can I break" type of personality.

I think it's a VERY REAL part of many of our journeys. (Whether we choose to admit it to others or not) I am extremely honest about my bad habits and food choices. I think it's mostly food demons and past experiences in our heads. It's not easy changing an entire lifestyle with one surgical procedure.

The problem is, some people don't push the limits then back off. And that's where the regain and issues come in. Luckily, I am the type that pushes "just to see". Not to digress back. It's stupid and unhealthy and I know that. But again, at least I am honest with myself about it.

Did I have McDonald's by 3 months out? You betcha. Was it a constant food habit? Absolutely not. So I guess I am saying that person isn't completely off the wall by testing the waters. I don't know if anyone else here has done it or will admit it, but I will. So they are not alone.

It's up to you if you feel close enough to this person to step in. I wouldn't do that with someone that was just an acquaintance. Mostly because at this point in my life, I am done trying to "fix" other people. But if it's someone you feel close to, maybe it's worth a shot.

I know I definitely could have used better support my first year out. I learned by trial and error.

wow.. so thi****s kinda close to home with me.  95% of the time i cook my own meals and only have my happy little 1/2 cup of food and drink my protein... however, there are times that I work long hours and spend time with my son and life hits me and i go for the quick out.  So I DO go to fast food and only eat the inside meat  (usually grilled chicken and gawk on bread icky gross blah... can you tell I DO NOT LIKE BREAD...and did I really just say that?  WOW). 
So maybe its more of that situation. I'm only 3 months out and I still TRY and make some good choices but sometimes I do not.   So I may be right there with her
I agree with the other comment that everyone has a different journey.  HOWEVER,  this board is my support and I fully expect someone to smack my hand a little if I tell them I'm eating 3 meals of CACA!!!!   If that person was coming to you for 'support' I hope you would give them your experience.  What they do with that advise is up to them. 

My two cents as a newbie.

Okay you used the word "acquaintance" but in really they are a co-gastric bypass person is how I see it.  They are aware of what they should or should not be doing however if it were me in your place I would have said to their face (mind you if it were me) wow I changed my eating habits in order for this surgery to work for me and its a simple statement.  But thats just me honest, blunt and to the point.  Once in a great while I get so swamped and busy that I will grab a McDonald's cheeseburger but no bread and its such a rareity.  Keep in mind that what they are doing you would not do but it works both ways.  I think they know deep inside that they shouldn't be doing this without your having to say anything. Me personally would mind my own business and I am so not saying that to be mean because obviously they were not ready mentally to do this and its a shame,  You said they "tested" their pouch with sweets and I have dumped not doing sweets and it was not a pleasant experience so I personally would not do the sweets and to me thats committment because I am 16 months out and still wouldn't do it. We wouldn't be human we didn't miss certain foods but I look at it this way the food is what got me here.  My abuse of it.

The only thing I would add is that some doctors seem to provide very limited guidance to their patients on post op nutrition. If you read across several boards here, you will see that the education piece (which I see as essential) is missing for many people.

And then there are those who consiously and willfully take the approach of, "How soon can I get back to McDonald's?" which is a different issue entirely.

Thanks so much for all the advice.  This is someone with whom I am in a support club for twins with.  We did talk very frankly about the surgery before they had it and I was very very honest about all of it.  I have offered my support, and given them this website and sparkpeople as well.  I get the feeling they were holding back on other things they have "tried" because their spouse was there.  My husband who was also there, said I should let it go and that I have offered to be their support and if they want it they will take it.  I just would hate to see it fail, but you have to be willing to change your eating habits.  I do not hide it when I test things.  I am the first to admit that this Halloween was one of the hardest times for me since my surgery.  I tested my dumping issues with the tiny snickers.  After a few days of feeling guilty I made the decision that I can not have it in my house without being tempted and giving in.  I will be there if they decide they want it, and every month I see them I will put out the offer and we will see what happens.

Thanks again for all the advice!