help - hubby is driving me crazy!

Hi Dennis - thanks for your response!  I know he would love to come to a support group meeting, however, he has to work the first Saturday in October.  As I told KAren, I am trying to get coverage for my children to bring him to the cooking meeting at Liz's later this month.  I really think he would love to get to know everyone.  He is, however, available for August 19th meeting, If you think I should bring him, I am pretty sure he would be very willing to be there! :)

Thanks for your continued support at Barix and on here!  I really enjoy being part of this group!

Bring em Steffi.

Would he go to a support group meeting? I found in my three years as Gene's support person that the most important thing for me was reaching out for support. Reaching out to other's who've had the surgery when i didn't understand something he was going through.
Learning everything I could to be a good support for Gene was very important for me as I saw this surgery as a life changing event not only for him but me as well.

Being his support for the last three years has also educated me on my own journey for WLS.

As a support person and even though I'll be having my surgery in September, I will always be Gene's support, I've found that participation in support groups or a group and my participation on this board was my best and most pro-active way to learn how to be the most supportive person I could be for him.


Ida

I'm gonna go slightly against the grain here and say that hubby is doing what we CAN'T always do...and that is see our mistakes, our possible addictions, our possible wrong path choices long before we can.

Brian can see it me, still with me being almost 2 years out.  He'll look at something I'm going to eat (be it wrong portion, wrong type of food, etc) and say "Are you gonna be ok with that?" and I will get VERY defensive and tell him OF COURSE I'll be ok with that....and sure enough 1/2 hour later, I'm in the bathroom gagging up spit that I'm sure was stored somewhere in my big toe.  And never once has he said "I told you so" He's always gotten me my tissues for my nose, got the bed all ready (cause that's where I end up) and a change of clothes (because I'm all sweaty and nasty feeling)  Have we had fights about what I'm about to eat?  Yep.  And has he said some things that I wish he wouldn't have?  Absolutely.  When I do get all defensive he'll normally just roll his eyes, shrug his shoulders, and go "It's your pouch" which REALLY ****** me off....but he knows that it IS my pouch and regardless of what he says (most times) I AM gonna do what I want to do and he's not about to take food out of my hands or force me to do something I don't want to do.

We become very defensive and post op our emotions are all over the place any how...so we don't take lightly to any sort of criticism WHAT SO EVER...and I totally get that.  I do think it would be a GREAT idea for him to attend support groups with you - espcially now that they will have one specifically FOR support people.  Brian helped run a "support group for support people" at the last pilgramage and it went over REALLY well.  It also gave them a chance to voice their concerns and not get the wrath of over emotional post op ranging hormonal (mostly) women going after them.  And the others in the group really could SYMPATHIZE (sp?) with them, and just give them a place to vent, again, without "us" getting all crazy emotional with the issue.

There's a fine line between pointing out what we can't see and nagging.  From the sounds of the story to me, it was less nagging rather than just sincere concern and the fact that he put it bluntly as opposed to sugar coating the real subject.  I don't think he implied you weren't taking this seriously or that you weren't committed.  I'm kind of used to the non sugar coated approach cause that's how Brian is.  Anyone who has met him at a meeting can tell you - he don't mess around and he'll let you know EXACTLY what he thinks regardless of if he thinks it'll make you upset.  "The good news is, your opinion doesn't change my behavior" is one of his favorite sayings.

I'd definately still talk to him about it once the issue has cooled down...and definately define your OWN lines in the sand if you will.  And also decide how supportive you need/want him to be.  Support isn't just always a shoulder to cry on...it's a kick in the arse if you need it...and if you ask for "full support", in my opinion, that's what you are asking for...a shoulder, a kick, an ear, a sounding board...you get it all.  Not just a cheerleader who is letting you look through rose colored glasses and allowing you to hide any potential mistakes...even from yourself.

It will get better...and you will both settle down into a more harmonious rhythm with all of this...but it definately takes a lot of time, and a LOT of patience on both ends, along with a LOT of discussions (read:  DISCUSSIONS...NOT arguments...hubby and I had trouble with this one)

Pam

I am in the boat of "Needing" Food Police. My ex-husband actually encouraged me to eat the wrong way, too much etc. I am positive he wanted me to fail.

I am so happy and lucky to have Johnny "nag" me. He isn't mean. He isn't demanding. But he reminds me when I am not paying attention to how much or how fast I am eating. And I really need that. There are times I get defensive and tell him to leave me alone. But I then realize, he is only helping me.

I may have had the surgery, but I still can't continue to success on my own. I need the support and ass kicking from others to keep me in line. If I could watch what I eat, and be that determined on my own, I probably never would have needed the surgery to begin with.

So in my case........I welcome the "Policing" of food. But it definately depends on your relationship and your needs.

It's definately an adjustment for him and your family. Not just you!

And PS.....my hair still falls out! LOL

Steffi--

My husband does not nag so much as continually remind me of some things when I seem to forget.  Like with portion sizes...I have a whole stack of my "baby" size plates and bowls but sometimes I will grab a regular plate or put food in a bowl and hubby will just say "You know you can't eat all that right?"  Its not mean ..its justhis way of reminding me...sometimes I eat tooo fast and he tells me to slow down...he is actually my biggest supporter and I looove him for that!!

But sometimes it does in fact get on my nerves!!!!! LOL

But we have to remember that they are not doing it to drive us bat sh*t crazy--they are doing it because they love us...


And as for the mints...I am right there with you...I took to munching on Sugar Free mints after I quit smoking before my surgery...hubby is like are you ever gonna stop with the mints--you quit smoking over a year ago...but sadly I have not stopped with the mints...but I try not to eat them..only when I get a trigger like someone smoking near me..or if we are inthe car and other drivers are smoking...cause I may have quit smoking...but sometimes  I REALLY REALLY want a cigarrette!!!! LOL

But remember the hubby is supporting you and loving you!!!! You are going to do great!!!! 

Much luv!!!
Laura

Steffi first of all congrads on being 4 months out. And Dennis is right we see it as being nagged and he is really touchy about that he hates when people nag even it its the ones who had surgery and want to encourage their significant others to lose weight with us. I don't think Larry is "nagging" just being supportive and we do get defensive like Pam said about her and Brian so just smile at Larry and say "yes dear" like I do with George.  He will say to me wow should you be eating that and I will say to him worry about what you are eating George! Its pretty funny when you think about it.  We get ticked when there is no support and defensive when there is and feel like we are being "policed, nagged, nazied, babysat, pointed at and questioned" and then being made to feel like we don't know what we are doing. I don't think its about him seeing you not be successful on other programs its him trying to see you succeed on this one. Let it go and be glad he expresses concern and be careful with the gum not to be funny. I don't think its a question of standing your ground because to me it sounds like you are being defensive just quietly tell him thank you for your concern and consideration but I am okay doing this. Steffi is on track dear.

Steffi, I really have to commend Pam on her response to you.   Being 3.5 years out myself I think she nailed it.  I agree the hubby should go to some support groups, I also agree he should tell you about the mints and the gum...1) because going gangbusters or OCD on any ONE thing for a while is indicative of transfer addiction even if it's within the program.  The fact that you are jonesing on one particular thing is the problem because further out when you can have other foods not as innocent as SF mints that concentration may fall on SF ice cream or SF brownies; just cause it's SF doesn't mean it's calorie free or nutritionally good for you.   If you crave grilled chicken strips like that in a year I'll be really surprised.  and 2) gum can get stuck in your pouch and sometimes needs to be retrieved via surgery; it's not barred from WLS patients but also not recommended by alot of docs.    Hindsight is 20/20. 

Your husband is watching you shrink and change before his very eyes and for the most part is probably in awe of the process and knows how much you want this, maybe he could express it better but I think he just loves you.   Go swap gum with him....