help - hubby is driving me crazy!

I need some advise here - I was sitting at dinner with my hubby and I told him that I was now able to chew gum, (I spoke to the nutritionist on Saturday.)  Anyway - he said, "I just hope that you don't go back to losing control over it like the mints."  So here is the story - I started eating sugar free mints because my breath was....well....ewwwww!  I asked Dr. Pupkova what I could do and she suggested mints.  So, I have them, I use them for my breath and I also use them when I find myself wanted to munch - head hunger, addiction...whatever it is, it is NOT time for a meal.  So, as I was sitting home today, a beautiful day with not a care in the world, I, of course, wanted to munch on something.  So in lieu of eating a mint, I chewed a peice of gum and was proud of myself for that.  I told my hubby as much and that was when he decided to let me know that it is not good to chew gum, just like eating the mints.  I then mentioned to him that I was doing fine and that it was frustrating when he kep****ching me like I was going to screw up...again!  We then got into a heated disussion, (read, argument) about how he feels he should be able to talk to me about things that worry him, and I i nturn told him that I was allowed to tell him that I don't appreciate his treating me like I don't know what I am doing.

I know that over the last 20 years, he has watched me try and fail EVERY weight loss program that I have been on, and he has been my shoulder when I needed to cry again becuase I was unsuccessful and worried about my health and our marriage and sex life.  So, I guess that my question and needed advise is this.....How much slack do I give him, this is a totally different "program"  I am already more successful in this then even I expected to be.  I am taking all of my vitamins and medications, I am getting in all of my protein and liquids and doing everything right.  I still have to get my exercise up to snuff, other than that, I am right on track and as it should be at 4 months out, the weight is falling off of me - as is my hair by the way!  (always have to find the joke!)

So - do I let this go and understand why he is so worried, or do I continue to stand my ground and make him see that I am aware of what i am doing?

Hi Steffi,
I understand where you are coming from as my husband does the same thing to me. Don't get me wrong he is so proud of me for losing all my weight and reaching my goal but he was and still is my "Food Police".  Do I like it? No. Do I understand why he is concerned? Absolutely. I think our husbands do not want us to fall off the wagon again that being said I think your husband probably thinks that you have done an amazing job so far and he just wants you to continue successing. Sit hubby down and have a little heart to heart tell him that you are commited to leading a heathier lifestyle and you did not take the WLS lightly. Hang in there it's not easy for you or him either. I totally can relate as this is something we struggle in our marriage on a constant basis. Lots of hugs coming your way. BTW you look AMAZING. Take Care:)

Hi Shilpa!  Thanks for the response.  I do understand it, I just get so annoyed with him sometimes!  He is by far, my biggest supporter and helps me so much.  He actually has started drinking protein shakes, and eating protein bars and thanks me becuase he has lost a few pounds.  (He is a naturally thin person, so a few pounds is all he EVER needs to lose, yup, I still love him....go figure! :))  He absolutely does want me to keep successing, however, you are right, I will sit him down and tell him that - I also think I need to let him off the hook - it must be difficult for him to know what to say to me.

I knew this was the place to go for assistance!  You rock! :)

Jeremy only does that with portion size with me... but he knows I go all ADD on stuff and forget how much I have eaten lol...  does it bug me.. yes... have I gone off on him... yep... but I know he is trying to help me in really the only way he can (aka he can't cook, etc)... he used to also make sure i went to the gym 3 times a week because other wise I would forget... now I just let it roll off my back... but at times it still ticks me off but I know he is doing it out of love and care...

Hi Shannon - Larry does this with me too - It is also only 4 months - so he gets annoyed if I don't measure - what I am finding is that even when I do measure, I never finish what I have, so why do I need to worry.  Larry is actually the cook in the house - that is a GOOD thing for my children :)  I do need to get to the pool more often, but his pressuring me does not help.  He hasn't asked in a while, but I am sure it is bothering him.  I know he loves me and is proud of me, but, life does happen! :)

Thanks for your help!  I LOVE THIS SITE!!!!!!

How old are your kids... because I bring Lorelei (she is 3) and she helps cook and chases Liz's cat around lol... and there is a park near her house... so if hubby starts to bug you... kick him and the kids out to the park lol...

They are 14, 11 and 7.  I have never been to one, I would feel kind of weird bringing my ENTIRE crazy family and ALL their energy! :) I guess I could talk to Liz.  

Stef,

Do you think he'd come to support group meeting with you?  It may be reassuring to him to be more involved in the process and community so that he sees that long-term success is more than a little possible with this program.  And involvement may also give him a sense of HOW to support you.

Guys seem to have a very different view of what "support" means than girls generally do, I've found.  This may just be his way of encouraging your continued success because he has no other "gentle" tools at his disposal.

The other thought is that he might find something like Al-Anon-type readings helpful in gaining new tools to help him be supportive of your recovery.  It may also help him re-frame his thinking to realize that this is really a "recovery" program, not a diet that you can and will likely fall off of at some point in the future.  (I know it's made all the difference for me personally to think that way.)

Anyway, just some thoughts that might help.  HUGS.

Karen

He would DEFINITELY come to a support group meeting - I have to check his schedule for the October meeting.  I am trying to get the kids covered for the cooking group at Liz's so Larry can come to that one.  I think he would be a great addition to any meeting.  Then he can talk to others about how my emotions are crazy and I am moody and that it is all normal!

I do agree that he does not have any other 'gentle' tools to use with me - also, it is possible, only slightly of course, that I may have been a bit irrational - not that that EVER happens! :)

Thanks for your thoughts and insights!  That is why I came here! :)

Steffi,
Nagging is nagging whatever gender is doing it.  He loves you but this is new to him too. You can't totally blame him for his concern.
Your husband, your support at home, will be perfect for our planned support group in October. The next Barix 1st Saturday on October 3rd will feature 2 new groups. One for our adult supporters (spouses, friends, parents, teenage & adult children) headed by Ernie Rehr [Robin Rehr's husband] and one for younger supporters (5 years old and up) headed by Jordan Dhoble [Shauna Dhoble's 12 year old son].

Beth will promote these new groups in posts here throughout the months to come.

I will try to dedicate some time at the next 3rd Wednesday (Aug 19th) Barix post-op group as well.

Please keep in mind that there will NOT be a September Barix 1st Saturday due to the Labor Day holiday weekend.

You ARE doing very well Steffi and the right support all around you, at home, in groups and here on OH will continue to foster that successing. Thanks Everyone for your replies to Steffi. This remains the best place on the planet for support.

Dennis