getting my HEAD out of the way
So today I was shopping frantically for a pair of black pants because I have a big show this weekend and realized that all of my dress pants are literally falling off me. This is a VERY high-end professional show, and that just is not acceptable.
I am majorly stressed about this show (as I always am when I do this one), and have a ton of details to take care of before it starts... setup is tomorrow morning at 10 and show opens Sat morning and runs until Monday night. Anyway... this is the first time I've had a really deliberate shopping panic to deal with and I found myself an emotional wreck. stepped back and analyzed what was going through my brain. So here goes...
OMG - I really need pants!
And they need to look GOOD (read: "I need to look skinny so people will accept me because this is a really stylish place and everyone else will look good").
I've divorced Lane Bryant, so where am I going to go?
Well, I found something that fit at Chicos before so I'll go there (read: Chico's had something in my size so I'm limited to that as a choice because I'll never fit into anything anywhere else).
Chicos didn't have any black pants in my size that I could afford and that were a fabric I like (I'm refusing to buy anything right now that isn't on significant sale, because with eddie out of work and the way my clothing sizes are changing, that's just not an optino).
OMG, now what am I going to do???? (panic sets in - self-destructive thought process really kicks in...)
OK, well, I guess I can walk into one of these OTHER stores... skinny-people stores... hopefully they won't laugh at me and ask why I'm there because their stuff obviously won't fit people like me... but i don't know why i'm bothering because i know i won't find anything there... Chicos obviously mislabels their stuff to appear to be a smaller size...
So I go into Banana Republic and find a gorgeous gray silk blouse on ridiculous sale and it fits like it was custom-tailored. Size 14. Still not black pants, but i've proven to myself that some of these other intimidating stores DO have at least something I can wear.
Went into J.Jill where everything seems to be "s - m - l - xl" and ended up asking the saleswoman how those sizes relate to number sizes. I truly expected her to either laugh at me or say something like "we don't have YOUR size here - go down to lane bryant"... I saw a few things, but nothing I really liked.
I go into Annie Sez and find a pair of size 14 Michael Kors tailored pants... exactly what I was looking for. $13.50. Fit perfectly.
throughout the experience, though, i kept hearing that voice in my head that says all the negative things - the one that says "You don't belong here -these clothes are for "normal" people" and the one that fills in what other people are thinking (yeah, right, like she's going to fit into THAT... ) or the more subtle (oh, she must be looking for a gift for someone).
On a GOOD day, finding those pants and that shirt would have been a real wow moment of joy. But some days, the wow is so overwhelmed by the continued negative voices. At least now I'm working through hearing them for what they are (baggage) and not responding to them by eating something to numb it all. Sigh.
I understand what some of you have said about finding it hard to SEE your changed body when you look in the mirror, even after miraculous transformations. I hope that I can someday work through and past this so I don't always have that negative monkey riding aroudn on my shoulder.
Sigh.
Karen
I am majorly stressed about this show (as I always am when I do this one), and have a ton of details to take care of before it starts... setup is tomorrow morning at 10 and show opens Sat morning and runs until Monday night. Anyway... this is the first time I've had a really deliberate shopping panic to deal with and I found myself an emotional wreck. stepped back and analyzed what was going through my brain. So here goes...
OMG - I really need pants!
And they need to look GOOD (read: "I need to look skinny so people will accept me because this is a really stylish place and everyone else will look good").
I've divorced Lane Bryant, so where am I going to go?
Well, I found something that fit at Chicos before so I'll go there (read: Chico's had something in my size so I'm limited to that as a choice because I'll never fit into anything anywhere else).
Chicos didn't have any black pants in my size that I could afford and that were a fabric I like (I'm refusing to buy anything right now that isn't on significant sale, because with eddie out of work and the way my clothing sizes are changing, that's just not an optino).
OMG, now what am I going to do???? (panic sets in - self-destructive thought process really kicks in...)
OK, well, I guess I can walk into one of these OTHER stores... skinny-people stores... hopefully they won't laugh at me and ask why I'm there because their stuff obviously won't fit people like me... but i don't know why i'm bothering because i know i won't find anything there... Chicos obviously mislabels their stuff to appear to be a smaller size...
So I go into Banana Republic and find a gorgeous gray silk blouse on ridiculous sale and it fits like it was custom-tailored. Size 14. Still not black pants, but i've proven to myself that some of these other intimidating stores DO have at least something I can wear.
Went into J.Jill where everything seems to be "s - m - l - xl" and ended up asking the saleswoman how those sizes relate to number sizes. I truly expected her to either laugh at me or say something like "we don't have YOUR size here - go down to lane bryant"... I saw a few things, but nothing I really liked.
I go into Annie Sez and find a pair of size 14 Michael Kors tailored pants... exactly what I was looking for. $13.50. Fit perfectly.
throughout the experience, though, i kept hearing that voice in my head that says all the negative things - the one that says "You don't belong here -these clothes are for "normal" people" and the one that fills in what other people are thinking (yeah, right, like she's going to fit into THAT... ) or the more subtle (oh, she must be looking for a gift for someone).
On a GOOD day, finding those pants and that shirt would have been a real wow moment of joy. But some days, the wow is so overwhelmed by the continued negative voices. At least now I'm working through hearing them for what they are (baggage) and not responding to them by eating something to numb it all. Sigh.
I understand what some of you have said about finding it hard to SEE your changed body when you look in the mirror, even after miraculous transformations. I hope that I can someday work through and past this so I don't always have that negative monkey riding aroudn on my shoulder.
Sigh.
Karen
Karen--
I have been there many, many times myself so know that you are not alone. I have long said the surgery part of this journey is the easy part...it is the MENTAL portion of the journey that can be gut wrenchingly hard!!!
But you know what?? You did phenomenal...you saw and acknowledge what your inner voice was saying and allowed yourself to understand that in regards to the emotions you were feeling that yes...this is a WOW for you....
You are losing weight...you are doing great!!! Your show is going to go beautifully because you are hardworking and dedicated and wonderful!!! Just remember that!!! Oh and I agree with Shannon--POST PICS!!!!
Big (((((HUGS))))!!!!!
Much luv!!
Laura
I have been there many, many times myself so know that you are not alone. I have long said the surgery part of this journey is the easy part...it is the MENTAL portion of the journey that can be gut wrenchingly hard!!!
But you know what?? You did phenomenal...you saw and acknowledge what your inner voice was saying and allowed yourself to understand that in regards to the emotions you were feeling that yes...this is a WOW for you....
You are losing weight...you are doing great!!! Your show is going to go beautifully because you are hardworking and dedicated and wonderful!!! Just remember that!!! Oh and I agree with Shannon--POST PICS!!!!
Big (((((HUGS))))!!!!!
Much luv!!
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
So been there - I STILL walk to the plus size department when I have to shop and I am 2 1/2 years out. SOmetimes I pick up the clothes and look at them and think "No way that is going to fit but I'll embarass myself and try it on anyway" and tada it fits!
You are doing a great job but the brain is the last thing to get it - hang in there
and yes - we want to see pics!!! You're going to do great with this show!
You are doing a great job but the brain is the last thing to get it - hang in there
and yes - we want to see pics!!! You're going to do great with this show!
I still find myself migrating to the women's sections of stores. I knew them well -- Macy's, Penney's,Boscov's --- Knew Lane Bryant, Catherines, Avenue well too but because they are only Plus I manage to not go there now. But just about whenever I'm in one of those other stores I find myself looking at the Plus sizes before I realize I don't belong there anymore!!!!!
A huge THANK YOU to each and every one of you. This is what makes this forum so great as part of the toolkit for success... being able to share honestly what would have MORTIFIED me to even "think out loud" to myself, and realizing that i am not alone/weird/maladjusted or whatever.
For me, this experience was different this time because i was conscious of the dialogue going on in my head ... thanks largely to Nicole and Beck, I think... it's gotten me to take a step back and ask 'why" a lot more often. So a special thank you to Nicole for introducing Beck to me. (I do hope to get to the chat monday night after the show breakdown, but may be too exhausted to type :-)... it's a LONG weekend).
karen
For me, this experience was different this time because i was conscious of the dialogue going on in my head ... thanks largely to Nicole and Beck, I think... it's gotten me to take a step back and ask 'why" a lot more often. So a special thank you to Nicole for introducing Beck to me. (I do hope to get to the chat monday night after the show breakdown, but may be too exhausted to type :-)... it's a LONG weekend).
karen
Funny you should bring this up.
At Dorney Park the other day we rode one of the most AMAZING rollercoasters ever.....a wow moment every time but that's another story. Anyway...we were walking through their gift shop and they had this AWESOME black t shirt there....that would go fabulous with one of my "goth" outfits I occassionally dress up in for hubby's enjoyment. So he said "oh - that would go GREAT with your black/silver jeans I love so much" So although I NEVER buy overpriced shirts at amusement parks, I figured, what the hell....
I pick up the medium off the wrack and he says "I thought you would wear it with the jeans?"
Me: Well of COURSE I'll wear it with the jeans
Him: Not in THAT size you won't! Maybe with a pair of exercise pants or something...but those jeans need a top that shows off your figure
Me: Yes...but not my figure of extra skin and rolls
Him: Uh....it's not a string bikini top...you need a small
(holding up the small): Uh....This would fit our 12 year old cousin
Him: As a night shirt, maybe.
At this point the nice russian lady working there says "Are you buying this for you?"
Me: Yes
Her: Then you need to get the small one. The medium will be to big on you.
Me: Uh....I'm not so sure about that
Well....I guess brian and the lady were in cahoots with each other...because I handed Brian the medium and said "I'm getting this one" and then went to go look at other things.
I went to go check out....paid...took it out of the bag to consolodate things and there was a SMALL shirt in my bag. I just looked at Brian. And in this innocent looking face he goes "She made me do it" She already had the small at register
And.....it fits.
I am beginning to think that with surgery you should also get a complimentary labotomy or electric shock therapy...or SOMETHING. LOL...just kidding...I guess good ol fashioned recognizing behaviors, thought patterns, and CHANGING your thinking does just as good. It's just sooooo hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea.
Congrats and NOT responding to your voices in your old negative behavior...if you HAD responded you would have not walked in, or at least not even tried anything on. You recognized the thought, the feeling BEHIND the thought, AND chose a better action/response to the thought and the feeling.
Good luck at the show this weekend - everything will go GREAT I'm sure!
And I second, third, or whatever it is now...wanna see pics!
Pam
At Dorney Park the other day we rode one of the most AMAZING rollercoasters ever.....a wow moment every time but that's another story. Anyway...we were walking through their gift shop and they had this AWESOME black t shirt there....that would go fabulous with one of my "goth" outfits I occassionally dress up in for hubby's enjoyment. So he said "oh - that would go GREAT with your black/silver jeans I love so much" So although I NEVER buy overpriced shirts at amusement parks, I figured, what the hell....
I pick up the medium off the wrack and he says "I thought you would wear it with the jeans?"
Me: Well of COURSE I'll wear it with the jeans
Him: Not in THAT size you won't! Maybe with a pair of exercise pants or something...but those jeans need a top that shows off your figure
Me: Yes...but not my figure of extra skin and rolls
Him: Uh....it's not a string bikini top...you need a small
(holding up the small): Uh....This would fit our 12 year old cousin
Him: As a night shirt, maybe.
At this point the nice russian lady working there says "Are you buying this for you?"
Me: Yes
Her: Then you need to get the small one. The medium will be to big on you.
Me: Uh....I'm not so sure about that
Well....I guess brian and the lady were in cahoots with each other...because I handed Brian the medium and said "I'm getting this one" and then went to go look at other things.
I went to go check out....paid...took it out of the bag to consolodate things and there was a SMALL shirt in my bag. I just looked at Brian. And in this innocent looking face he goes "She made me do it" She already had the small at register
And.....it fits.
I am beginning to think that with surgery you should also get a complimentary labotomy or electric shock therapy...or SOMETHING. LOL...just kidding...I guess good ol fashioned recognizing behaviors, thought patterns, and CHANGING your thinking does just as good. It's just sooooo hard for us to wrap our heads around the idea.
Congrats and NOT responding to your voices in your old negative behavior...if you HAD responded you would have not walked in, or at least not even tried anything on. You recognized the thought, the feeling BEHIND the thought, AND chose a better action/response to the thought and the feeling.
Good luck at the show this weekend - everything will go GREAT I'm sure!
And I second, third, or whatever it is now...wanna see pics!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Karen,
I think that you have made great progress not only with your weight loss, but in changing you thought processes. While you still heard all those negative self defeating comments in your head, you also were able to step away and hear yourself, and analyze those messages. You then demonstrated the courage to move out of your comfort zone and try those new shops. And boy did you get a nice reward for your efforts. I'm happy you were able to meet your clothing needs and I wish you well with your presentations. Keep up the great work!
Chris
I think that you have made great progress not only with your weight loss, but in changing you thought processes. While you still heard all those negative self defeating comments in your head, you also were able to step away and hear yourself, and analyze those messages. You then demonstrated the courage to move out of your comfort zone and try those new shops. And boy did you get a nice reward for your efforts. I'm happy you were able to meet your clothing needs and I wish you well with your presentations. Keep up the great work!
Chris
Most Active
Recent Topics
