Okay what is it about family....
that makes you feel like **** no matter what you do?? I know that I don't need to give a damn about what other people think but lately a lot of my family members are telling me that I am too skinny and need to gain at least 20lbs. I have been accused of being obsessed about my weight loss. I do not talk about my weight loss all the time like I used to. LOL. However now my husband is being calling "fat" and I am told things like "what did you do lose all the weight and give it to your husband??" I think that is so cruel and it hurts my husband's feeling. My husband is maybe 15-20lbs overweight not a lot in the scheme to things and let's face it men and women both have body image issues. My husband was so upset by my family member's comments this long weekend as was I how do I stop this behavior from "well intended family members" offering unsolicited advise?? Other then smiling politely and saying things like I watch what I eat and excercise?? BTW my extended family does not know I had WLS but they also would not understand what that procedure is. It's a cultural thing and ignorance that prevents them from understanding how this journey works. HELP!!! I feel like just hurting somebody physically as I cannot take one more person putting me or my family down. Sorry for the rant and thanks for listening.........
-Shilpa
People comment on my over 100 pound weight loss and attribute it to my WILLpower, but it is my WANTpower: I WANT to be thin and healthy more than anything else!
I have an aunt who is like this too -she is just generally ignorant and thinks that she is better then everyone else because she is a vegetarian. She is also a "poor me" kind of person - well when I saw her at Memorail Day she was making comments about my hubby's weight - she and I aren't close. I looked at her, asked her if she'd looked in the mirror recently and walked away. She hasn't said a peep since. Granted it wasn't nice but sometimes you have to be as blunt as they are to get through to them!
*hugs* hang in there sweetie!!!
*hugs* hang in there sweetie!!!
Hey Shilpa - sucks to be around toxic people! I feel for your husband - he had to watch you suffer all those years with a weight issue and now that you finally have it under control, people are starting to turn on him. It sucks! Consider the source - when people say things like that it is USUALLY because they have some inadequacies in their lives. In fact, you should really feel sorry for them - because they can't deal with their own stuff, they try to dredge things up about you and your husband.
Bottom line is that you ROCK! You did what you needed to do for your health and well-being and your husband has loved you through all of it, as you seem to love your husband. I agree with Liz and sometimes, as hard as it is - sometimes, being blunt and walking away shuts people up. Almost like they don't even realize that they are being stupid and hurtful until it is put back into their face.
I wish you strentgh and remind your husband how wonderful he has been to you all these years and he to will get through this! :)
Bottom line is that you ROCK! You did what you needed to do for your health and well-being and your husband has loved you through all of it, as you seem to love your husband. I agree with Liz and sometimes, as hard as it is - sometimes, being blunt and walking away shuts people up. Almost like they don't even realize that they are being stupid and hurtful until it is put back into their face.
I wish you strentgh and remind your husband how wonderful he has been to you all these years and he to will get through this! :)
OK, I"m new to the journey (surgery date next week) but I do know a bit about family ****. This is a phenomenon called "crazymaking."
I've found that when people say or do obnoxious things, they keep you off balance just enough so that you don't quite know how to react. And in that moment when you are shocked or hurt, they take the silence as consent to keep doing/saying whatever it is.
I've found great power in responding with, "I can't believe you said that."
Puts them on the spot where they have to be just a little accountable for their comments. Don't talk it to death...they will interpret that as your asking their approval for your current weight. Comments about hubby? He will be well served to respond to those himself in a calm, kind, yet assertive way, even when his feelings are hurt. You are one anothers' best advocate and defender. Sometimes the less said, the better.
I've found that when people say or do obnoxious things, they keep you off balance just enough so that you don't quite know how to react. And in that moment when you are shocked or hurt, they take the silence as consent to keep doing/saying whatever it is.
I've found great power in responding with, "I can't believe you said that."
Puts them on the spot where they have to be just a little accountable for their comments. Don't talk it to death...they will interpret that as your asking their approval for your current weight. Comments about hubby? He will be well served to respond to those himself in a calm, kind, yet assertive way, even when his feelings are hurt. You are one anothers' best advocate and defender. Sometimes the less said, the better.
The people we think should be the most kind and understanding ones, our family, don't live up to that ideal. Trust me I get a lot more support from friends and everyone out here. As for yourself just respond that you are the healthiest you've ever been and your doctors are more than satisfied with where you are, as are you. And making comments about your husband is just plain ignorant - men have feelings too - and maybe just tell them that - or ask how they would feel if you called their spouses or kids fat?
And you know, had you not succeeded on your journey they would be all about making comments about that, too - sometimes with family its a no-win situation. My sister in Florida is constantly asking me if I've reached 'goal' yet - I finally told her the other day that I don't know what my 'goal' is other than to eat as healthy as possible, work-out several times a week and take my vitamins - that's my daily goal. And to finally be happy with myself.
And you know, had you not succeeded on your journey they would be all about making comments about that, too - sometimes with family its a no-win situation. My sister in Florida is constantly asking me if I've reached 'goal' yet - I finally told her the other day that I don't know what my 'goal' is other than to eat as healthy as possible, work-out several times a week and take my vitamins - that's my daily goal. And to finally be happy with myself.
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
Shilpa,
The definition of family is:
* The people who know where all your buttons are (and how to push them)
* The people who feel they have the RIGHT to push all your buttons
Unfortunately, there are families whose dynamic is to try and control their members. Something like weight (high, low, too curvy, not curvy enough, in the right/wrong place, whatever) is an area that the more toxic members of your family obviously feel a right to try and control.
Keep in mind that it's not about weight at all... it's about control (them trying to control you, keep you off balance, etc.). There's also the cultural thing with women's power vs men's power (hence, you're "at fault" for something "going wrong" with hubby... even if it has nothing to do with you).
The only way to stop it is to confront it. You can go "confrontational" with something like "It's none of your business" or "how rude!"... or less-confrontational with "Why do you say that?" (followed by expectant silence waiting for an answer... put THEM on the spot).
The other component of it is simply avoidance of the worst offenders. Yes, they're family, but there's no law of the universe that says we have to put ourselves out there to be abused just because someone shares a little DNA with us. I'm certain, as wonderful and loving a person as you are, that you have a wonderful and extended "family by choice" that will easily fill any void there!
Clearly communicate the boundaries with them "Discussions of my hubby's and my weight and health are off limits" and if they can't respect them, stay away from them. If they ask why, explain that the toxicity of their repeated comments is hurtful to your mental health and recovery and you choose to avoid hearing them.
Hope this helps!
HUGS!!!
Karen
The definition of family is:
* The people who know where all your buttons are (and how to push them)
* The people who feel they have the RIGHT to push all your buttons
Unfortunately, there are families whose dynamic is to try and control their members. Something like weight (high, low, too curvy, not curvy enough, in the right/wrong place, whatever) is an area that the more toxic members of your family obviously feel a right to try and control.
Keep in mind that it's not about weight at all... it's about control (them trying to control you, keep you off balance, etc.). There's also the cultural thing with women's power vs men's power (hence, you're "at fault" for something "going wrong" with hubby... even if it has nothing to do with you).
The only way to stop it is to confront it. You can go "confrontational" with something like "It's none of your business" or "how rude!"... or less-confrontational with "Why do you say that?" (followed by expectant silence waiting for an answer... put THEM on the spot).
The other component of it is simply avoidance of the worst offenders. Yes, they're family, but there's no law of the universe that says we have to put ourselves out there to be abused just because someone shares a little DNA with us. I'm certain, as wonderful and loving a person as you are, that you have a wonderful and extended "family by choice" that will easily fill any void there!
Clearly communicate the boundaries with them "Discussions of my hubby's and my weight and health are off limits" and if they can't respect them, stay away from them. If they ask why, explain that the toxicity of their repeated comments is hurtful to your mental health and recovery and you choose to avoid hearing them.
Hope this helps!
HUGS!!!
Karen
Toxic family stinks! Just know you are doing the right thing.
I got a birthday card a few weeks ago from my mother in law...
it said Happy Birthday" then went on to an entire paragraph about her
life sucks, blah blah. I thought it was so rude.
I ignored it and find that sometimes that's what you have to do...
but sometimes you have to say back off, in a way that would work for the family member.
"I see you are concerned but me and my doctor work together to make
sure I am healthy, I would appreciate it if you kept those comments to yourself"
I got a birthday card a few weeks ago from my mother in law...
it said Happy Birthday" then went on to an entire paragraph about her
life sucks, blah blah. I thought it was so rude.
I ignored it and find that sometimes that's what you have to do...
but sometimes you have to say back off, in a way that would work for the family member.
"I see you are concerned but me and my doctor work together to make
sure I am healthy, I would appreciate it if you kept those comments to yourself"
I for one am the Queen of nasty comebacks (why settle for Princess when one can be Queen) and I would have said to that person I am surprised that your significant other lets you out in public without a muzzle! Or I would have said to them "nasty much"? And then walked away. Pam's husband Brian has a great one which goes like this "your opinion is not my problem". Who ever asks you if you gave your weight to your husband I would have said to them no I gave it to you. Sweetie grow a thick skin it works wonders and keeps me going. I swore that when I had my WLS I would never explain myself to anyone. I am the Queen of my own decisions. People need to be put in their place and I have no problem doing that. I had my surgery done one year ago tomorrow and along with the weight loss I have developed a no tolerance attitude and if someone doesn't like it tough cookies. I don't care what anyone thinks is my motto as long as I am not going out of my way to hurt anyone which I wouldn't do in the first place but I am never the one to fire the first shot and when someone else does the fool that they are -LOOK OUT. Take no prisioners-eat the wounded. Hope this made you laugh and feel better. Tell hubby I am sorry for his hurt feelings no one deserves that. Just because someone is family all the more reason they shouldn't do that.
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