i feel so upset
i have a very diffucult time with my husband. he is not very supportive with my operation. he tells me i wont be able to lose wait that i will fail( as he drank 10 cans of beer) he said i have no willpower.my daughter and him are not supportive at all,but at this point its my decision and im ok with it.but today really set me off, i got a flat tire coming home from work. it was 3 min from home. we have triple a, but he wouldnt come and help me. i came homeand found him sleeping he wors nights. he ask me if i could find out what time my bypass is so he coulod drop me off. so he could run errands. aqnd he would pick me up the next day. i was hurt. but my real question is how does gastric bypass affect marriages they are problems already ? thanks for letting me vent
Abigail I am sorry that you are going through this. MY husband was 100% against me having surgery. He is a big guy and just couldn't understand why I would let someone do this to my insides. My Mom went with me to PAT and my Mom too me to/from the hospial and came and visited me. Hubby didn't. A few months after surgery he was still in this "funk" I thought that our marriage was over and I exploded - I MADE him talk to me. Turns out that he was scared that something was going to happen to me and he would loose me. AFter that our relationship improved and we are closer then ever. I agree with Shannon though that therapy would probably be a good idea. Not sure how old your daughter is but she might just be scared too.
I have also heard of husbands being scared because they are loosing their "eating buddy" and their cook. I am sure that he realized that you aren't going to be baking cakes and cookies or making his favorite friend chicken and french fries on a regular basis (or whatever it is that you make that is his favorite).
You are in the right mindset that this is something you are doing for yourself and God bless ya for it!! You are going to have to put your self first after surgery, addressing your own needs.
I hope that things work out and know that we are all here for you no matter what!
Liz
I have also heard of husbands being scared because they are loosing their "eating buddy" and their cook. I am sure that he realized that you aren't going to be baking cakes and cookies or making his favorite friend chicken and french fries on a regular basis (or whatever it is that you make that is his favorite).
You are in the right mindset that this is something you are doing for yourself and God bless ya for it!! You are going to have to put your self first after surgery, addressing your own needs.
I hope that things work out and know that we are all here for you no matter what!
Liz
I am sorry to say that it sounds like your husband's lack of support is the least of the concerns for your marriage at this point. It is one thing to have a husband who supports you in all you do, but just cant support the surgery because he is scared, or fearful. They can usually come around and adjust. But if he is not supportive of you in any other area,? You have your answer. If your relationship is rocky before surgery, it will likely be after as well. The surgery does not cure or break......it is just a step along the way. I think that it is great you have made this decision for yourself. You need to find outside supports, friends, family support groups. You will really need it
Hey Abby, I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. I, as well as a few others on here, know exactly what you are going through. Therapy is definitely a good idea. If he really loves you and supports you in other areas, he may come around. I wish I could tell you that I could come pick you up and take you to the hospital, but unfortunately I don't think I could get off work. BUT, I could probably take you home!! And, I will DEFINITELY come to the hospital to visit-- I was planning to do that anyway. You just need to give me your last name so they tell me what room you are in.
I hope things work out the way that is best for YOU. My marriage was rocky before surgery and I ended it right before I had the operation. He was there for me at home when I got there, but I moved out 6 weeks later. I have never been happier in my life.
I hope things work out the way that is best for YOU. My marriage was rocky before surgery and I ended it right before I had the operation. He was there for me at home when I got there, but I moved out 6 weeks later. I have never been happier in my life.
My tracker
hers 
Abby,
I think you've gotten some very on-target advice already on this posting. You have made a life-altering decision to have this surgery and it is a very personal decision. He may be seeing it as a rejection of your previous "way of life" with him... he may like the fact that you're overweight because he's afraid of losing you to someone else if you "become attractive" (a way that some people think - NOT saying that you're not attractive now)... he may just be self-absorbed and not want you to spend the time/money/attention on yourself because you'll have less to spend on him. Any number of reasons.
Be strong and be centered in yourself. You are doing the right thing. The bypass may simply turn up the light shining on the fault lines in your marriage, because you are taking a stand on something that you need to CHANGE (rather than just accepting the status quo because it's the easy path). Those fault lines are already there - you guys can address them positively (with the help of a therapist) or you can ignore them as they continue to widen and eventually fracture. But it takes BOTH people being invested in A - recognizing and B- fixing the problems for that to work.
I'm a firm believer that both partners in any relationship need to be strong for themselves first. Otherwise, it's not a partnership, it's a caretaking relationship, which is bound to be unsatisfying for one or both people. In a partnership, both people can and do support each other whenever needed, and they are also capable of supporting themselves alone if needed.
In "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" there's a section containing letters to family and friends that set forth the type of support needed by a recovering food addict. Those letters spell it out and explicitly ask each family member to honestly answer as to the types of support they are willing to provide... NON-judgmentally. The issue isn't to cajole people into checking off all the boxes... it's to get them to examine how far they will willingly go to support the other person's abstinence goal. Having that information, the recovering addict can determine who they can rely on for certain types of support and can tell what the danger areas are going to be so they can avoid them. The letters are intended to provoke honest conversation about boundaries and support. Perhaps something like that (process and model letter) might help you with your husband and daughter?
The other thing to consider, if you feel it could fit you, would be to seek support elsewhere - Barix or other support groups, OA (meetings or online), finding a sponsor/mentor who's been through similar procedure, etc.
Wishing you all the best!
Karen
I think you've gotten some very on-target advice already on this posting. You have made a life-altering decision to have this surgery and it is a very personal decision. He may be seeing it as a rejection of your previous "way of life" with him... he may like the fact that you're overweight because he's afraid of losing you to someone else if you "become attractive" (a way that some people think - NOT saying that you're not attractive now)... he may just be self-absorbed and not want you to spend the time/money/attention on yourself because you'll have less to spend on him. Any number of reasons.
Be strong and be centered in yourself. You are doing the right thing. The bypass may simply turn up the light shining on the fault lines in your marriage, because you are taking a stand on something that you need to CHANGE (rather than just accepting the status quo because it's the easy path). Those fault lines are already there - you guys can address them positively (with the help of a therapist) or you can ignore them as they continue to widen and eventually fracture. But it takes BOTH people being invested in A - recognizing and B- fixing the problems for that to work.
I'm a firm believer that both partners in any relationship need to be strong for themselves first. Otherwise, it's not a partnership, it's a caretaking relationship, which is bound to be unsatisfying for one or both people. In a partnership, both people can and do support each other whenever needed, and they are also capable of supporting themselves alone if needed.
In "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" there's a section containing letters to family and friends that set forth the type of support needed by a recovering food addict. Those letters spell it out and explicitly ask each family member to honestly answer as to the types of support they are willing to provide... NON-judgmentally. The issue isn't to cajole people into checking off all the boxes... it's to get them to examine how far they will willingly go to support the other person's abstinence goal. Having that information, the recovering addict can determine who they can rely on for certain types of support and can tell what the danger areas are going to be so they can avoid them. The letters are intended to provoke honest conversation about boundaries and support. Perhaps something like that (process and model letter) might help you with your husband and daughter?
The other thing to consider, if you feel it could fit you, would be to seek support elsewhere - Barix or other support groups, OA (meetings or online), finding a sponsor/mentor who's been through similar procedure, etc.
Wishing you all the best!
Karen
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