Why do I hold on so tight to the thing I hate the most?

Just want to rant and vent here.

all I want to do lately is eat. I know it's over something that's been bothering me. I ate junk over the past week and have gone from 179 to 191 that fast. It's like I'm afraid to be thin. WTF? You know? I'm so frustrated and just furious.

I really don't know all the answers, but it does seem so easy to gain and so hard to lose.

I have a theory... I believe that anyone who gains enough weight to be eligble for the surgery (i.e. 100lbs overweight or more) has serious eating disorders - that's just my opinion, but I say that to say that the surgery will not be enough.  It is just a tool and we have to figure out the rest. 

Go to Overeaters' Anonymous, exercise more, pray, use this board (like you did) to get a reality check, take a walk, do whatever you can to help yourself through this.  This is a great place to come for advice, direction, love and support.  Hang in there, don't give up.
Lou

Cheryl,

Over the past weeks since my surgery I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking about this topic.  I'm coming to the conclusion that Lou's right... if I don't address the WHY behind the weight... only the mechanics of it... then I'll never succeed long term.

I've just read a book, which I mentioned on the boards before... sorry if I'm starting to sound like a broken record on this.... but I really, really strongly recommend it.  It's called "Anatomy of a Food Addiction" by Anne Katherine.  Avail at Amazon, Borders, Barnes and Noble...  She has gathered a ton of research and also uses her personal experience with overeating to present a coherent view as to WHY most people who struggle with this fail at diet attempts. 

The theory is that there are both environmental/emotional and real physical addictions that we have to understand so we can address them.  The physical part comes in with, typically, sugar, refined carbs, or fats (or some combination of all of them), all of which can IN SOME PEOPLE trigger the release of brain chemicals very similar to that of drug addicts getting a fix or alcoholics taking a drink.  Consuming one of these "trigger foods" causes you to crave more of them, and it's a real, physical craving.  Explained to me exactly why I would eat an ice-cream sundae while forcefully telling myself how horrible and stupid it was.  

The other component is understanding the emotional drivers behind overeating, including understanding how we use certain foods (or food in general) to numb ourselves, or use our weight to hide behind to avoid certain types of attention. 

So you say it's like you're afraid to be thin?  Apparently that's pretty common, so explore it a bit.  Ask WHY?  What is it that being thin triggers for you that's scary?  Was there a time in your life when you attracted unwanted attention?  If so, you may be right on the money and need to address that fear now so you don't self-sabotage.  

The book has exercises in each section to help you work through the issues yourself and build a support network.  It also has guidance for finding an appropriate therapist (if you want to go that route) to deal with this specific type of issue.  And it also recommends exploring something like Overeaters Anonymous (which I'm on the cusp of getting involved with, personally) as a way of building an understanding support network who can help you work through these issues.

Reading it through once, I'm now working through the exercises, and have already found it transformative to my way of looking at the "weight problem" and my life in general.

Hope this helps!

Karen

Yes, very much. Thank you, I want to get that book. : )

Everyone has posted some good theories and advice here and I think I'll treat myself to the book that Karen is talking about because I agree - anyone who lets their weight get 100+ over their healthy self has issues - I'm not doubting that I have many.

I do think we become very comfortable in our former 'fluffy' selves - over the years we learned how to deal with the ignorant looks, snide remarks, frustrations over shopping, and we learned to ask for tables, not booths - we were careful what we sat on and how - and we literally learned how to make ourselves disappear in a crowd - strange as that may seem

I know as I'm losing and feeling better I sometimes feel 'abormal' because this isn't normal for me - yet. I'm still 'Fat Kathy' waddling around in my 4X's and avoiding stairs and activities because I still think I can't do them. Its getting better but I have a long way to go, too.

Sabotage is a terrible thing - don't let it get the best of you - and thank goodness you got on the scale and saw what its doing to you - now you know what to do about it. One suggestion would be go to on Liz's daily food post and at least give yourself some guidelines to follow for your daily meal plan - I don't always follow mine but at least it gives me a starting point and something to work from. Get rid of the foods that are sabotaging and tempting you - you can always have a taste of it later when you can control it better and if you realize its something you can never control then delete it from your world entirely.

You've done so well - don't let this 'thing' get a grip on you so tight you're afraid to let go - you CAN do it - you CAN get rid of it and you CAN get back to that 179 number.

Kathy

Ditto.  I have realized that I will never be "done."  This "food" thing will be with me forever.  For the first time in my life I am okay with that.  I am working at stopping the resistance.  Resistance to the fact that I crave food and turn to it to medicate, appease, love, soothe and relax myself.  When it happens I go "Oh.  Okay.....hm.. you want that?"  "Interesting"  "It's okay that you want that." 

And when I say THAT, I MUST mean it.  It really IS okay to want it.  And to notice the "craving/desire/whatever". 

I then say to myself "It's okay to want that AND we're not going to eat it.  What could we do instead?"  Sometimes the answers shock me.  Usually it's doable.  LOL.  Sometimes it's not (i.e. "Drink a bottle of wine?"  -- ROFL, not funny but you know what I mean).

Sounds like a lot of talking.  I know.  But you know what?  It's what I do any way.  Rationalizing why it's okay to eat "just" this one or just "this" or whatever so instead I dialogue and say it's okay to want it but what could we do instead. 

This whole WLS thing?  Not easy.  Food is easy.  It's part parenting - love + discipline, part staying open to accepting (all choices and desires) and relaxing versus resisting (desires and cravings), trying new things AND (last but NOT least) leaning on this board.

Your journey has been amazing.  Another pot hole.  Dust yourself off, look back at ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE, and remind yourself that you are overall on a journey of successing and get back to it.  Successing that is.  Because we all know it will happen you beautiful woman you.

k

All that being said I found these VERY helpful:   --The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health --Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life --Your Inner Awakening: The Work of Byron Katie: Four Questions That Will Transform Your Life --Life Is Hard, Food Is Easy: The 5-Step Plan to Overcome Emotional Eating and Lose Weight on Any Diet

Ditto.  I have realized that I will never be "done."  This "food" thing will be with me forever.  For the first time in my life I am okay with that.  I am working at stopping the resistance.  Resistance to the fact that I crave food and turn to it to medicate, appease, love, soothe and relax myself.  When it happens I go "Oh.  Okay.....hm.. you want that?"  "Interesting"  "It's okay that you want that." 

And when I say THAT, I MUST mean it.  It really IS okay to want it.  And to notice the "craving/desire/whatever". 

I then say to myself "It's okay to want that AND we're not going to eat it.  What could we do instead?"  Sometimes the answers shock me.  Usually it's doable.  LOL.  Sometimes it's not (i.e. "Drink a bottle of wine?"  -- ROFL, not funny but you know what I mean).

Sounds like a lot of talking.  I know.  But you know what?  It's what I do any way.  Rationalizing why it's okay to eat "just" this one or just "this" or whatever so instead I dialogue and say it's okay to want it but what could we do instead. 

This whole WLS thing?  Not easy.  Food is easy.  It's part parenting - love + discipline, part staying open to accepting (all choices and desires) and relaxing versus resisting (desires and cravings), trying new things AND (last but NOT least) leaning on this board.

Your journey has been amazing.  Another pot hole.  Dust yourself off, look back at ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE, and remind yourself that you are overall on a journey of successing and get back to it.  Successing that is.  Because we all know it will happen you beautiful woman you.

k

All that being said I found these VERY helpful:

 

--The Food and Feelings Workbook: A Full Course Meal on Emotional Health

--Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life

--Your Inner Awakening: The Work of Byron Katie: Four Questions That Will Transform Your Life

--Life Is Hard, Food Is Easy: The 5-Step Plan to Overcome Emotional Eating and Lose Weight on Any Diet

Tahnks so much----went out and got three of Byron Katie's books, and ordered the others!

Great!  I have a lot of her books and almost all of her stuff on my iPod.  There is something incredibly powerful about listening to her.  And hearing her do "the work" with individuals.  Amazing stuff.

k

While we are the subject of books,
the one i have found most useful is Beck Diet Solution
it is not a diet book it is a Cognitive Behavioral approach to food and weight loss
i use and use it with clients