thoughts on the process

Begging pardon in advance for the length of this post....  K.
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I've been doing a lot of thinking about the process of weight loss from a mental and emotional perspective lately.  In the weeks leading up to surgery, I've noticed myself engaging in behaviors that are very similar to those before childbirth... the "nesting" instinct driving me to get things done that I had procrastinated on, and the instinct to sort through and weed things out. 

I'll be 2 weeks post-surg tomorrow, and the weeding out instinct is still going on.  I've reorged my pantry closet, garage, back porch, bookcase, linen closet, medicine chest... plan to do my jewelry studio today or tomorrow... need to do my closet (yikes - big job there~!). 

So what's driving this?  This process feels like it's peeling away a part of ME... exposing the inner layers and vulnerabilities in a new way... the process of ridding myself of clutter feels cleansing and renewing and like it's part of the process of giving birth to the "new me" that's lurking inside.

Even the approach to exercise feels different for me this time.  I truly don't like exercise, although there have been times in my life that I had fun things that were active.  But 'exercise" for the sake of exercise has always been something painful physically, embarassing, and not fun in any way.  However, as part of this new process, the exercise is becoming about discovery... discovering the new capabilities of my body and actively sculpting that new body that's slowly emerging. 

Complicating all this, as I wrote in an earlier post, is that I only have "half a bypass" for now until I can get the lesions addressed by the oncologist (appt on May 19 to start that process) and the completion surgery rescheduled.  So part of me feels in limbo and that I have only this very tenuous and partial weight loss tool (the partial pouch, no bypass) that I can so easily stretch back out (and how would I even know that I had done that!?).  So there's fear attached to that.  CAN I be strong enough to follow this process and "act as if" I had the full bypass done and will that be enough for me?

I'm a person who likes to be active and busy.  If weight loss were something that I could "actively do," I would have managed it years ago.  But because it's something that requires REFRAINING from doing something, I never could do it or sustain it for long.  And, as Shauna said in last week's support meeting, there are addiction issues there for me, quite definitively.  Otherwise, I would never have been one to eat the things I did, even WHILE telling myself that I was doing the wrong thing by doing it.  Over and over again.  And if I don't address those issues NOW, in the early days, I won't be truly setting myself up for success in the long term.

So I feel like I've started on the road to recovery.  Maybe that's Recovery with a capital R.  And along the way, I feel like this is also a process of re-birthing myself... or at the very least re-discovering myself.... un-covering myself. 

All that "new skin" will need time to become less sensitive to the world... in the early days I have a lot of fears and it will take time to overcome them and become less aware of them...

Anyway, I just needed to share these thoughts with someone who might understand and relate to them (or some of them, at least).  I appreciate this forum so much!  Thanks for listening...

Karen

Hi Karen
Sounds like you are ready for your new journey and Recovery. 
I am feeling much the same way.  Although I haven't been "nesting" as much, I have been really thinking of this as a re-birth-  an opportunity to truly trust my body and my weight loss.
Exercise has been scary to me- pain,  high blood pressure,  embarrasing to be seen in the gym, etc.    So I really am looking forward to my body working like the fine oiled machine it is meant to be =  measuring energy in and energy out (food and exercise).   learning a completely new relationship with food- not for socializing, or caring for my emotions, but for energy and health!

I can really resonate on the exercise thing.  I have this "thing" that people are watching me (the fat girl) exercise and making fun of me.  i have to get to the point of realizing that in reality, they're so absorbed in their own worlds, that by and large they are 1. Not noticing and 2. Not caring one way or the other.  Then i have to get to the point where if they DO notice or care, WHO CARES?!  (a long way away from that).

Today I went for my exercise walk (with a tiny bit of jogging thrown in at a couple of places) during our only real break in the weather, which happened to be about 2:30.  Turns out, that's also the time when the local high school gets out, and the path along which I was walking (with aerobic arm movements and the occasional bit of jog) parallels one of the main drives... which of course, gets backed up with cars.  I plugged away, excruciatingly and PAINFULLY aware of the fact that I was doing it alongside a long line of high school kids, probably all thin as models with perfect hair or "jocks."    EVEN THOUGH I KNOW BETTER... My daughter goes to that school and I know many of the kids and I know what they're like.  But I still made them into these scary judgmental monsters in my head.  SIGH.  There's the real monster.  

The point is, I conquered that fear and just DID it anyway, because I'M WORTH IT and i am NOT going to waste this second chance at life that I've got.  And guess what.. it motivated me to walk a little faster and jog a little bit more than I probably would have otherwise, just to prove to "those jerks" that I'm not a funny fat blob.  So There!  Guess who won THAT round!  (me!!!!)

karen

Thank you.   That was very thought provoking.   To help further your Recovery you might want to google Radiant Recovery and see if that program rings any bells for you in your relationship with food.  In the honeymoon phase it might not matter but later on it may make a lot more sense.  

Thanks, Jackie.  I'll take a look at that program.

Karen

Thanks!  I'll check that out.
I have also found a therpist in Montco who specializes in post op Weight Loss Surgery patients.  She's had the surgery herself.    Website is: www.myselfdesign.com.

It's been a help for me in preparing for surgery and I plan to stick see her post-op.

Wow that is cool to see another therapist who is a post op too. I have been overwhelmed with referrals because I am the only therapist in our area with this experience. I might contact her to see what she is utilzing. would be nice, thanks

Nicole- yeah- I thought its pretty cool too.  I like her practice and the fact that she focuses on post op WLS.   I feel like I'm benefitting from seeing her.   I'm a licensed counselor /therapist, too. :)