It is Karrie, not surgically enhanced!- really long- you've been forewarned!!!
I didn't have my RnY on December 29.
I'm sure what I am going to say is going to disappoint many *****ad this, but for the most part, I am ok with my decision. I am sad because I had plans to be thin sooner than later, but I also realize that the new committments I have made to myself could very well take me down that path just as readily as surgery. Many of you know that I spent several weeks leading up to the surgery going back and forth, back and forth, and not knowing what I should do. I spent some time solidly going "I am going to do this!" and other times going "Uhhhhhhh...I don't know if I should do this...." and the majority of the time feeling like I didn't want to really do it, but that I didn't have any choice.
In the end, many things led to my decision to postpone.
1. The fact that today, I weigh 219 pounds and am 5'1" was the dominating factor. Statistically speaking, I need to lose about 100 pounds. Realistically speaking, I know that the surgery would probably get me down a solid 70-80, to 140-150 pounds and since I was that in high school, I can tell you I would be a size 7/8 . But any surgery is drastic and this surgery is not without many side effects, changes to your overall physiology, and risks, and I decided that I was not willing to take my obese and insulin resistant but otherwise really healthy body to a level where I could have a myriad of health problems down the road caused by having a gastric bypass to lose 70 pounds.
2. I have lost 54 pounds in the past year by using Phenteramine and changing my eating habits greatly but not exercising. My mother was not happy about me getting the surgery all along, but finally started to become supportive in the days leading up to it in a small way. The one thing she said to me, however, stuck with me. We were discussing the fact that exercise is crucial for real success and especially for me, since I am a lightweight, to reduce sagging skin. I told her my schedule was all set up so I would be going to the Y 6 days a week. She asked me if I could commit to exercising 6 days a week after surgery, then how come I couldn't commit to that without the surgery. In being honest, she is 10000% correct. I have posted various times that food isn't my issue, exercise is. And I cannot prove my mom wrong when I haven't honestly committed to that kind of exercise routine for almost 10 years. So I made the decision to commit to 6 months of exercise, 6 days a week. If I have not lost at least 40 pounds doing this by May, I am going to reschedule my surgery for June. And if I do lose the 40 pounds (or hopefully more) I still win too. In either scenario, my health and my body will be better off.
3. I spent from 11 pm the night before my surgery until 2 am, three and half hours before I was due at Barix, reading several posts in the lightweights forum, along with going back and looking at people who had anniversaries in the month of December and discovered that the majority of people who are 5-10 years out do have problems. Many of them have either chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, or they have gained back considerable amounts of weight and are planning a revision. It scared me, frankly. I don't want to be 47 and back to this place. I don't want to wake up every day in pain or have other issues, like never being able to tolerate certain foods that other people who have had surgery, can.
4. Logistically speaking, this is not a good time for me personally. I am a full time professor, a single mother with a just-turned-8 year old, no immediate family, but I do have some good friends, close-by, and I scheduled my surgery with exactly 2 weeks off. I voiced previously I was concerned that I would have complications or get sick and since I am a one-man band, everything else could get messed up. In that same vein, I am my daughter's full-time parent as her dad is in Pittsburgh and we are in Philly. She only has ME here. I am fortunate however, that come May, if I have decided to go in for the surgery after all, I have 3 months off and can have the procedure without such logistical issues. My daughter can spend her summer with my parents, I don't have to worry about work, and I can take the time I need to really focus on me, my health, and my new life.
5. Probably most importantly, my heart wasn't in this. In August of 2004, I had elective breast reduction surgery. I knew all the risks, I knew what could happen, I knew that my body could be marred forever if things went poorly, but nothing was going to stop me. I was a 38H/I cup, I was in constant agony, and I was tired of being the chick with HUGE boobs. Just sick of it. After developing at 8 years old and dealing with the crap of them for over 25 years, I wanted them GONE. No risks, no anything, was going to stop me from having the reduction. I woke up the morning of the surgery scared to death because the reality of it hit me, but I was able to tell myself no big deal, get to the hospital, and do what I needed to do, because I knew I would be happier in a few days. I didn't feel that way about this, and I knew I should. The success of this surgery is about 99% psychological, and the only thing I was excited for was to be able to buy smaller clothes and even then, I was like "That will be ok." When and if I do this, I want to be excited for my new life. I want to be happy that I will be born again. My boyfriend is a 10 years clean and sober recovering addict, and he put it very simply. "The only thing that has to change for this to be successful is everything, and you haven't hit bottom yet."
So here is what happened. I had followed all the doctors orders for pre-op, took 4 tsp of milk of magnesia even, drank nothing but fluids (I lost 4 pounds from Dec 10-Dec 28, btw, going from 227 to 223 over the holidays!!!!) and even went to bed at 8 pm so I could have some rest. But I woke up at 11 pm sick to my stomach with fear and apprehension and spent 2 hours mulling all of it. Then, I woke up my boyfriend at 1:15 am and I was in tears, because I made my decision to not go through with it, and he was unbelievably supportive. It was hard for me to let go of my little dream of being thin by summer, but the reality of all of the above issues far outweighed the dream, and my heart and head wasn't where it needed to be to have Dr. Pupkova work her magic and me come out on the other side happy. I knew I was going to wake up Monday morning from surgery and regret what I had done. Steve and I talked about all of the above things and he told me that no matter what I do, he will stand beside me 100%. I called Barix and cancelled and the next day, they called me to discuss my decision. Overwhelmingly, Dr. P and her staff were supportive of where I stood and my choice, and we discussed that I am still good to go, save getting new pre-op testing, if I decide to go for it come summer.
I want to thank everyone on here and in the Media support group, especially Jenn and Debi and Heather, for everything. All have been very supportive of my efforts and where I stand with this, and have dealt with my waivering will total grace and class. I am not counting out WLS by any means, because I truly believe that the surgery is a God-send for many, but I think I need a few more months to give it one more shot the old fashioned way.
If you read this far, thanks!
Off to do yoga!
That being said I do believe there are some negative connotations in your post that could have been left unsaid. This board is full of people celebrating anniversarys many years out to pre-op patients who are anxiously awaiting their insurance approvals or surgery dates - 'statistics' that you quoted can be quite misleading and/or disheartening to someone just beginning their journey.
I wish you all the best with your weight loss journey.
Kathy
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
This is your decision, and your life, and you know what you need to do when you need to do it. And I applaud you for being so open and honest with yourself and not falling into the trap of feeling like you "have" to do anything. The only thing you should HAVE to do is make yourself happy.
I just have two things to say which is not meant to belittle your decision at all, because that was the most courageous thing you could have done.
The phetermine and any other diet pills for that matter. Long term affects are not completely understood yet. Please be careful
I too was a "lightweight" and was 235 at my high weight, 219 day of surgery. I also expected to get down to a size 7/8 and probably maintain around 150 as I don't remember being much UNDER 150 (I was 180 through high school) However, 14+ mos out...here I sit, 126 size 2/4.
So, best of luck on your endeavours, and you can bet your butt that we will be cheering you on regardless of your decision. Any well followed through plan for weight loss is something to be proud of and to be cheered on regardless of the path which is followed for it.
Cheers!
Pam
What a courageous post and you never know, but if you keep to your commitment, you just might be thin by summer.
You really gave this a lot of thought and no one can fault your desire to try it on your own. The funny thing is, that what your Mother said to you, my son said to me about 4 months ago, but for me it took this path to commit to an exercise program. I think the key to any successful exercise program (now that I am doing it) is to have a sustainable program in mind, because otherwise I think the danger of burnout and give up is too real. So be realistic and I wish you successing moments throughout your lifetime; because while you've chosen to do it the way you have, it does not lessen the fact that living with obesity is a challenge you won't have to live with if you do the work.
This site is not just for those who've had the surgery, so please come back and share your continued journey with us.
Hugs and best wishes, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
I'm not sure why you felt the need to go into some majorly in-depth explanation as to why you made the decision you made. As content as you seemingly are with it, you also seem to be trying to convince yourself. Which is fine,... whatever, you know... I just encourage you to do what is best for YOU. Don't put so much weight onto what others may think about it. Good luck/best wishes! Sounds like you're off to a very motivated start :)
Shannon
"If you want something bad enough, you'll find it.
If you don't, you'll find excuses."
