A vent...ugh (kinda long)
Hi everyone--let me preface this by saying I DO love my husband and I DO love his girls very very much....however that being said the 16 year old is working my last freakin nerve lately!!!!!
Why does she feel entitled to go into my bedroom and into my drawers and take my things WITHOUT ASKING???????????????? I can not stand that. I don't mind if she uses my straightening iron or whatever but just ask first. And ask everytime not just once and then think youre entitled to do or use whatever you want!!! UGH UGH!!!
We had it out last night--me, the hubby, and the 16 year old. I am so tired of going to get something of mine and she has it. My hubby said I am a baby and need to learn to share---but that isn't the problem. The problem is she doesn't ask first she just takes. And I know that before she came to live with us she ruled her mother's house and got whatever she wanted and did whatever she wanted but you know what?? I am not her mother and I don't put up with that sh*t. She is not the queen in this house and her always acting like she is entitled to whatever she wants whenever she wants it is REALLY starting to bug me.
Is this how teenagers are on a daily basis?? I don't know --I work with 7 year olds...but if it is I think I may pull all my hair out!!
Am I wrong? Am I being a baby?? But then again why should I have to just "share" all my stuff with her? I never had sisters or anything so this whole taking of my stuff reallly does bother me....
Plus add to this that I can now no longer turn to food and comfort myself--I can no longer smoke to take the edge off and I am left with a sh*tload of emotions that I am not used to feeling and have nothing to do wit them except vent or lash out. I know hubby is more mad about that --he says I am very "snippy" lately and well yeah I am ---I don't know how to deal with these FEELINGS!!!! Add to that one surly teenage girl who constantly takes my things and why yes there is the recipe for a major meltdown.
Am I wrong here?? Where do I go to deal? What do I do?? No one really understands and talking to hubby is not really a help right now--for one if says "You decided to have the surgery--you have to deal with the effects." one more time I think I might just punch him in the nose!! See? This is not me I would never even type such a thing in a post 6 months ago!! So any advice would be helpful.
Thank you for letting me rant.
Laura
Why does she feel entitled to go into my bedroom and into my drawers and take my things WITHOUT ASKING???????????????? I can not stand that. I don't mind if she uses my straightening iron or whatever but just ask first. And ask everytime not just once and then think youre entitled to do or use whatever you want!!! UGH UGH!!!
We had it out last night--me, the hubby, and the 16 year old. I am so tired of going to get something of mine and she has it. My hubby said I am a baby and need to learn to share---but that isn't the problem. The problem is she doesn't ask first she just takes. And I know that before she came to live with us she ruled her mother's house and got whatever she wanted and did whatever she wanted but you know what?? I am not her mother and I don't put up with that sh*t. She is not the queen in this house and her always acting like she is entitled to whatever she wants whenever she wants it is REALLY starting to bug me.
Is this how teenagers are on a daily basis?? I don't know --I work with 7 year olds...but if it is I think I may pull all my hair out!!
Am I wrong? Am I being a baby?? But then again why should I have to just "share" all my stuff with her? I never had sisters or anything so this whole taking of my stuff reallly does bother me....
Plus add to this that I can now no longer turn to food and comfort myself--I can no longer smoke to take the edge off and I am left with a sh*tload of emotions that I am not used to feeling and have nothing to do wit them except vent or lash out. I know hubby is more mad about that --he says I am very "snippy" lately and well yeah I am ---I don't know how to deal with these FEELINGS!!!! Add to that one surly teenage girl who constantly takes my things and why yes there is the recipe for a major meltdown.
Am I wrong here?? Where do I go to deal? What do I do?? No one really understands and talking to hubby is not really a help right now--for one if says "You decided to have the surgery--you have to deal with the effects." one more time I think I might just punch him in the nose!! See? This is not me I would never even type such a thing in a post 6 months ago!! So any advice would be helpful.
Thank you for letting me rant.
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
R K.
on 12/6/08 6:44 pm
on 12/6/08 6:44 pm
My impression of kid`s in general today is lack of respect and personal responsibility. Kids of divorce sometimes can be worse because parents feel responsible and are afraid to be the bad guy and set limitations then apply consequences when they are breached.
I think you are well within your rights to expect her to respect your rights and hubby is way out of line and should be supporting you first and foremost.
Teenagers only act the way they do because parents allow it.
I think you are well within your rights to expect her to respect your rights and hubby is way out of line and should be supporting you first and foremost.
Teenagers only act the way they do because parents allow it.
I know that some kids of divorce tend to play the parents against each other but she doesn't really do that--she just has this attitude that she can "borrow" whatever she wants from everyone because as she says "I always put it back." Again--not the point with me--I just want her to ask first.
As for hubby--I don't know--she is his baby and I know he is making up for lost time because his marriage to her mother was not good and it was just a really horrid situation all around. But does it make me feel better when he really doesn't take a stand either way? I mean he did tell her she needs to start asking me to borrow things all the time not just once. Still....it is a very fine line I walk as the step mother---I am not the mother but I am also not their "friend"; She is not my child and I can not make up for years of bad parenting by her own mother...so it is difficult for me to just step in and say that is is it!! But I did last night...of course now teenager is giving me the silent treatment which will go on for days as she has pulled this several times before when she gets called out on her behavior.
Anyways sorry I rambled!! Thank you for your input I do appreciate it.
Laura
As for hubby--I don't know--she is his baby and I know he is making up for lost time because his marriage to her mother was not good and it was just a really horrid situation all around. But does it make me feel better when he really doesn't take a stand either way? I mean he did tell her she needs to start asking me to borrow things all the time not just once. Still....it is a very fine line I walk as the step mother---I am not the mother but I am also not their "friend"; She is not my child and I can not make up for years of bad parenting by her own mother...so it is difficult for me to just step in and say that is is it!! But I did last night...of course now teenager is giving me the silent treatment which will go on for days as she has pulled this several times before when she gets called out on her behavior.
Anyways sorry I rambled!! Thank you for your input I do appreciate it.
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
Laura,
You are within your rights. That being said...I can remember doing things like this as a teenager to. It's just lack of thinking. Not that it should be written off as an excuse....because it's still not polite or correct. And besides - even though you are not her mother, it is YOUR house, and YOUR things, and YOUR rules. End of discussion.
When things calm down, I would try to have a discussion between just you and your husband. Acknowledge the fact that you do need to learn how to deal with feelings and that is not his responsibility - but as your husband, it IS his responsibility to work through those feelings with you, to respect the fact that this is not an easy journey, and also to set (and stick to) ground rules for the children of the house hold. Explain to him you are not being a baby about it, but just as you would never go into your step daughters room and take something without asking, she should give you the same respect.
The silent treatment - well that's what kids are great at doing. Funny thing, though. When she really needs something from you....she will break it. As much as it feels "good" to say something like "well look who decided to speak to me" (which is something I would do I might add because I can be just as witchy as a teenager myself...) withold that comment and answer the question.
I know it's easier said than done....but hang in there. You and your family will get through this. A few weeks ago hubby and I had it out as you may remember...he ended up leaving for 3 days...and most of it was based on lack of communication between the two of us. It just happened to explode over something stupid (a washer and dryer in my case...) It's very difficult to open those lines of communication when they haven't been open before. But if all parties are willing to make it work, then it will. Teen agers are more difficult. They have this sense of "me" and also "indestructible" and that along with raging hormones is an awful recipie. Try to remember those hormones though. Because as much as you are snippy and emotionally all over the place....so is she. There may be times you snap for no reason....and more than likely times she will snap and not know why and not realize she is doing it.
And of course...come on over and vent any old time. We've all been there and feel for you!
Pam
You are within your rights. That being said...I can remember doing things like this as a teenager to. It's just lack of thinking. Not that it should be written off as an excuse....because it's still not polite or correct. And besides - even though you are not her mother, it is YOUR house, and YOUR things, and YOUR rules. End of discussion.
When things calm down, I would try to have a discussion between just you and your husband. Acknowledge the fact that you do need to learn how to deal with feelings and that is not his responsibility - but as your husband, it IS his responsibility to work through those feelings with you, to respect the fact that this is not an easy journey, and also to set (and stick to) ground rules for the children of the house hold. Explain to him you are not being a baby about it, but just as you would never go into your step daughters room and take something without asking, she should give you the same respect.
The silent treatment - well that's what kids are great at doing. Funny thing, though. When she really needs something from you....she will break it. As much as it feels "good" to say something like "well look who decided to speak to me" (which is something I would do I might add because I can be just as witchy as a teenager myself...) withold that comment and answer the question.
I know it's easier said than done....but hang in there. You and your family will get through this. A few weeks ago hubby and I had it out as you may remember...he ended up leaving for 3 days...and most of it was based on lack of communication between the two of us. It just happened to explode over something stupid (a washer and dryer in my case...) It's very difficult to open those lines of communication when they haven't been open before. But if all parties are willing to make it work, then it will. Teen agers are more difficult. They have this sense of "me" and also "indestructible" and that along with raging hormones is an awful recipie. Try to remember those hormones though. Because as much as you are snippy and emotionally all over the place....so is she. There may be times you snap for no reason....and more than likely times she will snap and not know why and not realize she is doing it.
And of course...come on over and vent any old time. We've all been there and feel for you!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Pam--
I will admit Iwas VERY tempted to get down on her level last night but I restrained myself and stayed in adult mode. Today had a looooooooooonnnnnnnggggg talk with hubby and it was very cathartic and helpful. We will be a united front and she will not be allowed to behave in that way. That being said--I know she is a hormonal teenager and moodiness and surliness is to be expected but I did demand respect and she is complying and talking to me so we shall see where it goes from there. I will say this for her though..she doesn't hold a grudge and was laughing and joking with me today. So it was not the end of the world.
As for you I am glad to hear you and Brian are doing better...I am happy for you both. Marriage is hard and needs lots of work and TLC but it is worth it at the end of the day. Hubby and I realize that and know that we are in this together as ateam.
Thank you for your great response as always...you are a great friend!!!
Laura
I will admit Iwas VERY tempted to get down on her level last night but I restrained myself and stayed in adult mode. Today had a looooooooooonnnnnnnggggg talk with hubby and it was very cathartic and helpful. We will be a united front and she will not be allowed to behave in that way. That being said--I know she is a hormonal teenager and moodiness and surliness is to be expected but I did demand respect and she is complying and talking to me so we shall see where it goes from there. I will say this for her though..she doesn't hold a grudge and was laughing and joking with me today. So it was not the end of the world.
As for you I am glad to hear you and Brian are doing better...I am happy for you both. Marriage is hard and needs lots of work and TLC but it is worth it at the end of the day. Hubby and I realize that and know that we are in this together as ateam.
Thank you for your great response as always...you are a great friend!!!
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
R K.
on 12/6/08 9:46 pm
on 12/6/08 9:46 pm
Babying kids, allowing them to not show respect, not holding kids responsible is what has created a generation of self entitled spoiled brats that think they deserve without earning everything. Seriously this is what was created by parents. What she is doing is nothing short of saying to your face "I don`t respect you and I am entitled to your personal property when ever I wish". Many will play that down as teenage behavior but it`s beyond that.
Laura,
first...big hugs to you! It is hard to be a step mom. I have 4 step children aside from my 5. My step kids are now older but my step daughter moved in with us when she was 12 and stayed until she was 15 and now lives at our house in PA and she is 19. She was very frustrating. She also did not ask to borrow and the way I solved that was to start going into her room and "borrowing" her things. She then got the point and started asking. Seems simple but it took a number of weeks for it to sink in.
As for your emotions, have you tried journaling? I dont do it anymore, although I should, but it did help much when I had nothing or no one else to turn to that would understand all the emotions that I couldnt surpress with food. Heck, I had it so bad I left my husband a month after surgery cause I couldnt deal with the emotions.
I dont think you are being a bad parent or that your husband is being a bad parent. Not all kids act the way they do because of the way their parents are. Parent's do the best with what they are given. If you are consistent with her she will eventually get it.
I have to tell you this...they get better. Over the summer my step daughter thanked me for all the time I spent making sure she didnt screw up in her life. My hubby says that at the age of 13 the aliens come down and take out the teenager brain in the middle of the night and replace it with this brain that makes them act like someone no one knows...and then between 19 and 20 the aliens come back and give their real brain back...lol...silly, but man sometimes I think he is right...LOL
Michelle
first...big hugs to you! It is hard to be a step mom. I have 4 step children aside from my 5. My step kids are now older but my step daughter moved in with us when she was 12 and stayed until she was 15 and now lives at our house in PA and she is 19. She was very frustrating. She also did not ask to borrow and the way I solved that was to start going into her room and "borrowing" her things. She then got the point and started asking. Seems simple but it took a number of weeks for it to sink in.
As for your emotions, have you tried journaling? I dont do it anymore, although I should, but it did help much when I had nothing or no one else to turn to that would understand all the emotions that I couldnt surpress with food. Heck, I had it so bad I left my husband a month after surgery cause I couldnt deal with the emotions.
I dont think you are being a bad parent or that your husband is being a bad parent. Not all kids act the way they do because of the way their parents are. Parent's do the best with what they are given. If you are consistent with her she will eventually get it.
I have to tell you this...they get better. Over the summer my step daughter thanked me for all the time I spent making sure she didnt screw up in her life. My hubby says that at the age of 13 the aliens come down and take out the teenager brain in the middle of the night and replace it with this brain that makes them act like someone no one knows...and then between 19 and 20 the aliens come back and give their real brain back...lol...silly, but man sometimes I think he is right...LOL
Michelle
Live, Love, Laugh!!
Michelle-
BIG HUGGS back!!! Thank you for the advice. I have just started journaling again and I think it is helpful. It was nice to read that it will get better...EVENTUALLY !! LOL
But I do appreciate your thoughts and advice I am taking it all to heart and working my way through this situation. Thank yoou!!
Laura
BIG HUGGS back!!! Thank you for the advice. I have just started journaling again and I think it is helpful. It was nice to read that it will get better...EVENTUALLY !! LOL
But I do appreciate your thoughts and advice I am taking it all to heart and working my way through this situation. Thank yoou!!
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
No you are not wrong at all. I have told my own daughters, 13 and 11, not to go and get something from my room without asking. I need that space of my own, I need things of my own....that's very very important especially when you're a mom. It is draining and thankless and if they intrude on my special area and privacy, it can really go over the top.
Demand respect!
Demand respect!
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