Worst enemy???? Venting.....

Dear God.  This journey is a wondrous thing.  I'm having a VERY bad day.  I realized that no person or any thing creates my feelings.  I do.  I'm not absolving people of responsibility for their actions but how I think about what someone said or did is really what ****** me off, hurts me, makes me angry, etc.  NOT what they said or did.  If I don't "take in" what they said or did as a personal attack then nothing would ever bother me.  LOL.  As if.  But then I realize I THINK A LOT about what people say and do.  And "take it in" to mean something about me.  To be personal.  And then the feelings start (feel bad, stupid, less than good, etc.).  THEN I WOULD EAT.  To dull, numb, get rid of, distract, or change those feelings. Well kiss my hairy wart (not what i really wanted to type but didn't want to get censored or kicked off the board) but I choose/can't do that anymore.  So now I'm just left with this lovely stew.  Of feelings.  And it ****** me off.  Thanks for listening.

Keri

I think your reaction of realizing all these emotions due to the lack of not being able to stuff them down with food is common.

However....it's not the way you react to it...rather...it's how you handle it from here on in.  Unfortunately many times we were the "nice" people because we didn't get into fights about things like what others said to us....we just took it "as it comes" if you will.  Nobody knew our feelings because we wouldn't all US to feel our feelings...let alone anyone else.  And besides...at least in my case...I didn't want to start a further fight or cause commotion or whatever.  It was "easier" for me to just "let it be" (when really I wasn't letting it BE anywhere...)

I am slowly learning how to address such things and confront the people who have made me feel that way WHEN THEY DO.  Sometimes I choose to let myself cool down a little before I speak to them - but I can't allow to much time to pass...because then I just write it off like I used too.

Well...I'm not sure if I made ANY sense what so ever....but that's my penny's worth of thought.

Pam

Totally made sense Pam.  Wasn't sure my post did.  ROFL.  I pride myself (I should say have prided myself) on never saying what comes to mind if it's mean.  What I realize now is that I just completely shut up altogether.  Let everything get "swallowed" and "shoved down."  Thereby never speaking out loud about my feelings.  I guess I am finally realizing that one of my basic core beliefs is "I don't deserve to have feelings and can't fight that I do so I'll just act like I don't."  It's like it's a "sin" for me to have any kind of feeling that's in opposition to another human being.  Their wants, likes, dislikes, etc.  Like everyone else should always come first as far as being heard, understood, taken care of, etc.  Which is such a nasty way to treat myself.  Like I'm a scumbag or something.  I "know" I'm not but that belief is there.  Turning the soil is becoming a bit painful and doesn't feel very good.  I'd rather not cause a commotion or rock the boat.  IT IS easier (in my opinion).  But apparently very unhealthy for me.  In all ways, physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  All that stuff I was "swallowing" and "shoving down" was eating me up from the inside.  You're input is always worth a hell of a lot more than a penny.  Thanks for sharing with me, helped me see a little deeper.

 

Keri

Keri - Pam summed it all up great. I have realized, actually since the diagnosis of an ulcer early out that I cna't "internalize" all that crapola anymore. I've realized that we all have a little inner b**ch and well quite frankly she likes to come out and play sometimes too! lol Well at least I let her sometimes now. I have come to realzes that sometimes I might have to say NO or hurt someone's feelings to protect myself. Now don't get me wrong, I am the first one in line to help someone that needs it or to lend an ear - but you cross me and 9 times out of 10 unless you are my parents or my boss you are gonna know about it!

Sometimes a bit of being mouthy is MUCH better then eating away our emotions!

Hope that wasn't just random babble....

Liz

Not random.  Or babbling!  Thanks for posting!  IT's a tough change to make.  Speaking up for myself is so hard!!!

I'm really sorry I didn't read your post yesterday Keri, and I sure hope you are feeling a bit better today.  It's so hard not to take these things personally.  I still struggle with this too.  Sometimes if someone says something that upsets me (my mom, for example), I try to think about where she is coming from with her comments.  Often times -- although she expresses herself in a completely backwards way -- she is coming from a place of worry or a place of concern.  Once I remind myself of this, I try to feel sorry for her, rather than get angry.  I feel sorry for the fact that she is so overcome with worry for me that it causes her to say these hurtful things.  Believe me, I realize this is much easier said than done, but when I am able to get myself to do this, I am more accepting, which in turn, is very calming.  Maybe you could give this a try?

Thinking of you,
Lisa :) 

I am, thanks Lisa!  That's a wonderful tool you shared and one that I will definitely use!  It's just sometimes easy to get off track and forget to maintain the proper perspective.  I never realized how many "stories" I write without really knowing what's going on in someone's head.  One of my favorite quotes (that you reminded me of!) is "We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions."  Pretty profound and a good reminder.  Thanks for replying it was a boost!

Keri

You are very welcome, Keri!

Lisa :)