Struggling to keep up the fight for this...
Hi everyone.... Today is one of those days... a day where I feel like I'm kidding myself, I feel good about myself when I leave for work.... I can look in the mirror and think Ok... not to shabby, but it's constantly sabotaged when I see pictures of myself.... I went out to celebrate the Phillies win last night with 3 of my friends, one of which is an amateur photographer and always has his camera with him, he snapped a pic of myself and my friend Tod and posted it this morning on Myspace, I saw the picture and wanted to run and hide somewhere... I looked HUGE. How can I see one thing in the mirror then a total different me in pictures?! Which one is reality? It's gotten to the point where I get anxiety if I see someone with a camera ready to take a picture of me.... on vacation with my family I would scroll through the various digital cameras of my family members and delete the pictures I didn't like. Sometimes I look at pictures and wonder how anyone in their right mind could find me attractive.. and now I'm sitting here at my desk feeling desperate and wondering how to get through this and worst of all feeling absolutely enormous. I'm struggling, feel like I've lost my control over this battle and I'm fighting for something I can't win.
5 years post-op (September 19th 2005)
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
I'm not a psychologist... But it counds like you have a bit of body dysmorphia.
I know I for one am the same way... Google it, and read up on it. Once you identify what you have, it might make it easier to cope, and deal with this problem.
It certainly helped me, once I realized I wasn't crazy, but in fact, not seeing what others were. I was able to identify the problem, and give it a name.
If you need anything, you can always contact me.
I know I for one am the same way... Google it, and read up on it. Once you identify what you have, it might make it easier to cope, and deal with this problem.
It certainly helped me, once I realized I wasn't crazy, but in fact, not seeing what others were. I was able to identify the problem, and give it a name.
If you need anything, you can always contact me.
Success is a journey... not a destination! 
I am in therapy and my therapist and I are working on this particular issue... I have a workbook she's given me and she's requested I bring in pictures next session.
I'm trying to understand my self perception vs. logical reasoning ... Like a woman who was enormous wouldn't fit into my medium top...or my size 11 jeans. It's just sometimes my head can't differentiate the two and it's so frustrating.
Thank you for your response :)
I'm trying to understand my self perception vs. logical reasoning ... Like a woman who was enormous wouldn't fit into my medium top...or my size 11 jeans. It's just sometimes my head can't differentiate the two and it's so frustrating.
Thank you for your response :)
5 years post-op (September 19th 2005)
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
Katie,
I'm sure you know that reality is probably somewhere between the two and I think you are clouded by the disappointment of having gained some of your weight back. What I want to tell you, is you are beautiful and that when I met you for the first time last month, I did not see you as huge and if I didn't know your story, I would have just thought you were still working toward "your goal".
Having said that, perhaps you should not be approaching this as a battle, but as a daily challenge, one that you can do on a daily basis. You have the tool, you simply need to utilize it to the best of it's possibilities and make choices that you know are in your best interests. Even if you want to think of it as a battle, most battles are won in a series of moves designed to do so.
You committed yourself to starting over last month, perhaps it is a commitment you need to make daily and when you feel the urge to do what is not in your best interest perhaps you need to pick of the phone and call a good friend, someone who gets what this journey is about, and discuss what is really happening and why you want to sabotage yourself, or if you really want to splurge, what you are willing to do to make it ok for that day.
I think part of this is about your self image and the other part is about beating yourself up for having gained some weight back. I'm not a therapist, just someone facing some of the same challenges and wanted to offer my support to you. You are very attractive, but my saying so, anyone saying so is not the core of this, it's about you embracing yourself and learning to see yourself as you truly are. . . I certainly hope you get there and in the meantime we are here to help support your efforts.
Hugs, Laureen
I'm sure you know that reality is probably somewhere between the two and I think you are clouded by the disappointment of having gained some of your weight back. What I want to tell you, is you are beautiful and that when I met you for the first time last month, I did not see you as huge and if I didn't know your story, I would have just thought you were still working toward "your goal".
Having said that, perhaps you should not be approaching this as a battle, but as a daily challenge, one that you can do on a daily basis. You have the tool, you simply need to utilize it to the best of it's possibilities and make choices that you know are in your best interests. Even if you want to think of it as a battle, most battles are won in a series of moves designed to do so.
You committed yourself to starting over last month, perhaps it is a commitment you need to make daily and when you feel the urge to do what is not in your best interest perhaps you need to pick of the phone and call a good friend, someone who gets what this journey is about, and discuss what is really happening and why you want to sabotage yourself, or if you really want to splurge, what you are willing to do to make it ok for that day.
I think part of this is about your self image and the other part is about beating yourself up for having gained some weight back. I'm not a therapist, just someone facing some of the same challenges and wanted to offer my support to you. You are very attractive, but my saying so, anyone saying so is not the core of this, it's about you embracing yourself and learning to see yourself as you truly are. . . I certainly hope you get there and in the meantime we are here to help support your efforts.
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Katie, please.
I want you to take a moment to stop, take a deep breath, and realize what we all know to be true.
You are very attractive. I think you know it in your heart and you feel it most of the time but you still have these episodes that have you in doubt.
My question is, what does this temporary doubt have you doing? Does it have you giving up and not trying anymore or does it have you push yourself into unhealthy behaviors or does it get you back on a meaningful program of nutrition, exercise and healthy reasoning?
I really need and want to know. We really need and want to know because now that we know you, we see the woman that deserves to know how beautiful she is. I'm hoping that knowing the facts will lessen these temporary episodes of doubt and have you seeing Sweetkatie all the time, because that girl is stunning!
Join us if you can this Saturday at Barix. We need to see you smile.
Dennis
I want you to take a moment to stop, take a deep breath, and realize what we all know to be true.
You are very attractive. I think you know it in your heart and you feel it most of the time but you still have these episodes that have you in doubt.
My question is, what does this temporary doubt have you doing? Does it have you giving up and not trying anymore or does it have you push yourself into unhealthy behaviors or does it get you back on a meaningful program of nutrition, exercise and healthy reasoning?
I really need and want to know. We really need and want to know because now that we know you, we see the woman that deserves to know how beautiful she is. I'm hoping that knowing the facts will lessen these temporary episodes of doubt and have you seeing Sweetkatie all the time, because that girl is stunning!
Join us if you can this Saturday at Barix. We need to see you smile.
Dennis
Right now what it has me doing is sitting quietly at my desk at work crying wondering... "What do I do"? I feel like I lead a healthy lifestyle... never been shy about working out, even when I was a pre-op. I had a brief moment at lunch when I thought "Eat whatever you want... it's not like it matters anyway"!! But then I went to Whole foods and made a very sensible salad and didn't give into the thought. I was proud of myself in that moment, because I've failed that test in the past.
For the most part it drives me harder to make the positive choices and do the right things, I'm not one to get down easily.. I'm a naturally happy person, it's my nature but I am wondering if perhaps because I prefer to be happy.. am I pushing these things back inside so I won't feel sad, until they are practically overflowing and I'm overcome with self doubt and emotion and self loathing.
I know I desperately want this, I want to loose this weight that's haunting me and I'm a very driven person and usually achieve the things I work for... but for some reason this struggle.. this battle is more of a challenge sucks the life out of me. I'm feeling completely depleted and deflated.
For the most part it drives me harder to make the positive choices and do the right things, I'm not one to get down easily.. I'm a naturally happy person, it's my nature but I am wondering if perhaps because I prefer to be happy.. am I pushing these things back inside so I won't feel sad, until they are practically overflowing and I'm overcome with self doubt and emotion and self loathing.
I know I desperately want this, I want to loose this weight that's haunting me and I'm a very driven person and usually achieve the things I work for... but for some reason this struggle.. this battle is more of a challenge sucks the life out of me. I'm feeling completely depleted and deflated.
5 years post-op (September 19th 2005)
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
Back on track... and enjoying the ride
Katie,
I can't add much more than what everyone else before has said. This is definately a battle "between the ears" rather than a battle of stomach and intake.
I told you last month I thought you were hot. And I mean that and continue to say that and believe it. Any one of us saying it means absolutely nothing, however.
I know you have recently started therapy - and I think that is a good place to start if you feel it is working for you. Mary's idea of body dysmorphia is also a good suggestion on "naming" it if you feel it pertains for you.
I give you extra kudos for posting this. Not everyone would...and would suffer silently. I'm glad you came to us for help.
We love you already and want you to keep coming back. I'm sorry this is such a traumatic time for you right now...and hope you see yourself for how successful (or successing as we say) as you are.
Pam
I can't add much more than what everyone else before has said. This is definately a battle "between the ears" rather than a battle of stomach and intake.
I told you last month I thought you were hot. And I mean that and continue to say that and believe it. Any one of us saying it means absolutely nothing, however.
I know you have recently started therapy - and I think that is a good place to start if you feel it is working for you. Mary's idea of body dysmorphia is also a good suggestion on "naming" it if you feel it pertains for you.
I give you extra kudos for posting this. Not everyone would...and would suffer silently. I'm glad you came to us for help.
We love you already and want you to keep coming back. I'm sorry this is such a traumatic time for you right now...and hope you see yourself for how successful (or successing as we say) as you are.
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I'm glad you're working with a therapist, they can be so helpful with assisting us in uncovering our "dark spots." The spots we can't see the "why" about. I think part of what put me in the place to need the surgery was not "seeing" on many levels. The me other see, the me I really am at the most basic level and this loss of vision made me be lost. Like a piece of drift wood lost in a storm. I find that I am very disconnected from my body and that is one of the reasons why I have a hard time "looking" at pictures of myself (of which there are very few). I don't know if you resonate with any of that but losing myself in my fat/weight was my way of coping with something that was going on internally. Finding myself is something I must do internally as well, the "tool" we have is just something that can help us do that by blocking our usual "escape route." THoughts and prayers are coming your way because I believe ultimately we are fighting ourselves. Winning is about just stopping the fight. And accepting. Us. As is. Unadulterated. Just because.
Keri
Keri
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