A mess....Random Blogging

i almost "took a walk" to wawa to get a pack of smokes. when I told my boyfriend i was going for a walk, i broke down and told him what i was really going to do.

he held me and talked me through it as i sobbed hysterically.

i look in the mirror and expect to see a 300 pound girl. thats how i feel....but when i look, its the reflection of a stranger.  i dont know who i am.

i am so over-come by stress and anxiety right now (and throughout the past month) that i constantly obsess over food....to the point that i "think" i am eating like my old self....not quite, but im reaching for food in bad bad ways.  i am reaching to soothe myself....the only way I'vew known how.

i am so confused and troubled by my own thoughts...i literally feel insane. 

i try different tactics to help myself.....but here i sit, with my second glass of wine.  i stated 20 min ago to my boyfriend that i was just having a little to relax and calm down.....he's in bed now and i might just finish the botttle.....again.

i've suffered the physical and mental pain of an ulcer...but that is not stopping me.   i am drunk now...and that is helping to numb the mental pain right now.

i contemplate anti-depressants, but am too scared....my mother has been on Lithium for over 20 years (thanks to her pregnancy with me). I think I can fight this battle on my own. I've made it this long.

I am troubled. And before I never gave a damn. I ate my pain away...and now I'm too scared.

tomorrow is another day. i will put on my game face....again.....

pardon me while i head for glass #3

I've PM'd you

I would recommend that you see a therapist and have a psych eval as soon as possible.

Type and print this and take it to your therapist. Im serious. Maybe what you are experiancing is somthing chemical that a Dr can help with? I dunno im not a doctor, i dont play one on tv and I didnt stay in a holiday inn last nite but thats my advice...

-Patrick

absolutely will print it. LOLon the last part.

Jen,

Not to be harsh, but you're scaring me and I really believe you need to talk more with your therapist.  I don't know how many times or how often you go, but you definitely need to talk more and really get your issues under control.  I'm sooooooooo sorry you're going through what you're going through.  I pray that whatever it is that you can get the help you need.  You're a strong, beautiful person and you will get through this.  Take good care.  And please keep us updated with how you're doing.

nope...you are not being hash. i am scared as well.

i will be calling the therapist tomorrrow.  i've just about had it with myself.

Hey Jen,
Words can only go so far and express how we honestly care about you.  Everyone needs support and you need support now.  Reach out and call people - talk.  You do not have to put a game face on - it's OK. 

Please dump the alcohol down the sink....

Go to sleep NOW....talk to your therapist tomorrow....root out the source of stress and kill it.


Pressure makes diamonds - but it can also crush them to dust.  I don't want my diamond crushed!

A concerned *new* friend,
-GD

going to bed......

Jenn,

Reading your post sent shivers down my spine, I can actually feel the pain through your words and as I've watched you struggle to overcome this emotional turmoil, I truly hope that you will find the help you need.
 
I know, that you know, it's not in the food you're reaching for, the bottom of a bottle or a pack of butts, that is so obvious and I know that becauser you would not have posted it if you weren't seriously feeling lost and searching for a real solution, I am just concerned and wanting you to so experience the up side of all the hard work you've put into this.  You so deserve to look in that mirror and see the beautiful, vibrant, intelligent person that we all see when we look at you.  I pray that one day soon you do see yourself as you truly are!

Prayers and hugs, Laureen