Will I ever be good enough for me????

Hey Guys -

I am sorry if this ends up being long and sounds like a rant but I feel like I have had some things pent up inside and haven't let it out, I know this is the best place to do it b/c you understand me and you will kick my ass if I need it too. SO here's the things, I have a really big job interview tomorrow, I went out this weekend, bought a brand new suit and it is a size 12, yeah a 12, can you believe it? Yet I look in the mirror and see myself 110 lbs lighter than I was in January and I can't see it all of the time. I know that it is a process and it will come in time, maybe but this is just where I am struggling right now. I had tried the suit on at the store for my hubby and he told me how amazing it looked. TOnight I tried it on for the rest of my family and when my aunt came into the room she practically cried. She is the only one besides my immdeiate family who has seen me through all of my weight struggles. ANyway, I guess I don't have reall questions or anything, I know it will come with time, but when do I stop being so hard on myself. I know I am not perfect but most of my life is filled with pressure to go and do and be and this and that, blah blah blah....... I hope this made some sense, even if someone else just needs to hear that someone is going through this too. Thanks for listening.  - Katie

You are not alone. Not at all!

I am 4 years out and STILL feel like the fat girl all the time. I don't see myself the weight I actually am. I am never happy with how I look, or how clothes fit. I constantly think I look fat. I look at pics from before sugery and know how much I have lost and how far I have come but still have all the mental anguish of being the fat girl.

I probably need therapy. LOL. I know it's a mental thing I must overcome but have yet to do it after all these years.

I think a lifetime of being hard on yourself is tough to erase. Even after you "know" you have accomplished so much. I totally understand!

Hi Katie,
I know that feeling. I go thru the same feelings and struggles you just posted. I fit into a 10 size and still feel like I have huge belly a big butt and turkey neck where my double chin used to be. I agree why are we so hard on ourselves?? I will always be a big girl in my head but you know what somebody said a few meeting ago at Barix that it takes a long time for our brains to catch up to what we see in the mirror. Remember you are beautiful and your aunt crying when she saw you in that suit says it all. She loves you and thinks you look beautiful and she is probably proud of you that you have embarked on this journey to make yourself healthy. It has taken me 9 months to lose 80 pounds with another 25 to go but I am starting to say to myself I am really proud of myself for getting where I am today. Remember you can rant and rave anytime here.

Shilpa

<---------Perfectionist
<---------Too Hard on seslf in all areas of life
<---------In therapy
<---------Contemplating anti-depressants due to first two things making me miserable
<---------Doesn't give self enough credit

<--------working damn hard and getting there.....

...it take time...A LOT of time...and work.......you are not alone.

Katie,
One of the first things I realized a long time before the surgery, but still need reminding today is that the surgery was on my stomach NOT my brain.  I still have the messed up thinking I had prior to my surgery.  That means I have the LOW self-esteem, all the addictive personality features that make me unique, and other issues that contributed to my grazing, bingeing, eating, drinking, etc.  Not to mention my mental health diagnoses that we won't go into.

My point is, your self-esteem issues will not be cured by a RNY surgical procedure, or a size 12 or size 10 business suit.  As Pam said, she struggles with this issue in her size 4 jeans. 

I have been in therapy since forever, and will probably be in therapy when that gorgeous grandchild of mine is in college.  I am one messed up chick.  But, I am a work in progress, and will be until the Lord takes me home, or He comes back.  I am much better than I was when I first walked in my therapist's door telling him I had an eating disorder and needed to lose weight. 

My recommendation is to take it one day at a time.  Work on your spiritual development, remember who you are to God.  He created you, and sees you as His beloved child.  If you think it might help, therapy can help you work on those self-esteem issues as well.

Good luck on the job interview.  Knock 'em dead.

Hugs,
Trish

Thanks everybody, I knew I wasn't alone and I know that everything is changing so rapidly that I just need to sit back and look. I am actually going into this interview with a confidence I haven't had before, I don't feel like I have to over compensate b/c of my weight, does that make sense??? Thanks again - Katie

KAtie - we're all right there with you! I still catch myself headed to the women's department and I am almost 2 years out! My brain still isn't there. Everyone else can see it but I don't. When I get dressed all I see is what is still fat - the roll around my belly. I don't notice the collar bones sticking out or the fact that I have a neck!, or my skinnier waist and legs. So I hear ya! We'll get there I suppose.

Good luck with your interview today - I am sure that you will look great and do a fantastic job interviewing!

Liz

Hi Katie - for me its not that I'm so much hard on myself, but I don't see what others see in me now. Not yet, anyway. I went from a size 32 pant to a 20/22, and a 4X top to a 1X, so I know the changes are there, but my body feels the same - sometimes I can really see that its smaller, but since the shape is basically the same its hard for me to tell how much smaller I am. I still have a long way to go, and sometimes feel like I'll never get there now, but I know its coming.

I guess clothing and the scale are the best measures of how we're doing, at least until our heads catch up!!

Kathy

You are going to be great at your interview! You rock! Don't forget it for a millisecond!

I know what you mean about never being good enough for yourself. I am the same way. I have lost 151 pounds, I bought a jacket in a size misses large yesterday at Macy's and it fits me, I even have some room in it.  I mean, seriously. Knock me over with a feather....I should be dancing in the streets with glee. I used to be so big I could not go into a Lane Bryant and find anything big enough for me.

But, instead of being proud of myself, I stare at the stuff that's wrong. My "muffin top" that spills over my waist band......my butt is too big....my boobs sag.....my eyebrows are bushy....there's always something I'll find wrong, if not external than internal. I keep noticing at work how I am constantly thinking I'm not doing my job well enough.

We must STOP in mid-thought and think something GOOD about ourselves to re-program our brains. We need to do it every time we think or feel something negative that we know deep down, in our true selves, ,just isn't true.

Good luck today!!  You're going to do great.  Thanks for posting what you're going through because it seems like we all go throught it to some degree or another.  The kindness and compassion that we may show to those we love and care about is always in limited supply for ourselves, don't you think?  Time to change that and start thinking kind thoughts about who we are, what we've accomplished and how wonderful we truly are - you're wonderful girl!

keri