2 year surgiversary
Today is my 2 year surgiversary and you cannot help but get introspective. I have actually been thinking about this for weeks. I really wanted to be at goal by my 2 year point and i am not. I wanted to be at goal before I met with Dr. Brader last week, but I am not. But what he told me is that I am. I have met and exceeded his goal for me. I started at 53 BMI and am now a 30. I started at 360 I am now hovering around 185. He says that I have lost over 77% of my excess weight. The insurance scale says that I should be 140. He says that is ridiculous and that I would be ok at 160 or 170. So I am not really that far off.
When it comes down to it, I could be at goal if I were making different choices. I need to go to the gym, and I need to get a handle on the relationship I have with food. I am doing both of these things but I realize you cannot put an end date on them.
I was considering what I should do for my surgiversary. I did not celebrate it last year, I listened to Jason and he said everyday should be a celebration. I agreed with that in theory but This year I am gonna do something different. I am going to celebrate. I thought about what I could do, buy myself something, get a tattoo, etc. But what I decided to give myself is a gift Bigger than that. I decided to allow myself to be truly happy tomorrow, to not feel guilt about what i should be doing re: my weight. To not feel worried about the end or my goal, to take a break from the frown line I have developed because I am constantly trying to " figure this whole thing out". Nope I am gonna be happy and content for one day, and maybe even two.
I am going to celebrate myself and my hard work and sacrifice and give myself credit. The sabotaging voices, and inner critic are on Holiday tomorrow.
Do you know how much my life has changed???? There are days I forget! Remembering is important, and I vow to always use this day to remember. I was 360 lbs. I was on a CPAP machine each night. I was taking metformin, spironolactone, orthocyclen, lexapro,buspar, zocor, and advair,and rescue inhaler. My stomach was always so upset because of all ofthe medications I was on. In fact my stomach was always upset. I could rarely socialize, take a vacation or eat out without worrying about needing a bathroom urgently because of my raving IBS. I was a prisoner in my own body, My whole body ached, I could not breathe, I could not walk to the mail box without stopping,. I sweated awfully and it would embarrass me. I had take breaks between house work chores, and I wore slip on shoes all year round if I could so I did not have to lace my shoes. I could not cross my legs, i needed a seat belt extender, I panicked when we had to sit at a booth because I never fit in them. I was quiet and withdrawn, and tried to stay out of the spot light so no one would hurt me. I married 2 men who were BAD for me because I did not think i deserved better. I could not even wear the highest size at Lane Bryant and had to special order clothes. I was depressed and anxious. I could barely wipe my own ass!!! I could go on and on. I was a shell, I was so sick. I was so sad.
Things I have been able to do since my surgery.
cross my legs
wrap a towel around me
wear a reg sized hospital gown.
sit in a plane seat with no extenders
sit cross legged in my office chair
play with my cats on the floor
ride amusement park rides
walk all over Manhattan without problems
fit in the Broadway musical seats
go to a musical by myself
go on a cruise
swim with dolphins
sing karaoke
flirt
change jobs
sit on Jason's lap
get into some really freaky positions LOL if you know what I mean
wear a size L A LARGE PEOPLE!
eat a lean cuisine and be full
change jobs
stand up for myself
set limits with people
hike up a trail at grandfather mountain
cross the swinging bridge on grandfather mountain
go shopping with my sisters and actually get to shop not look
kayaking
jogging
make new friends
learn to cook new foods and enjoy them
developed a love affair with bananas
give back to new post ops
found many new friends and a wonderful surgeon who saved me.
walk into a Sheetz and have no one look me up or down, I fit I am average. No fat lady freak show going on over here anymore for people to stare at.
the list can go on and on.
The biggest and most dramatic change is that I am now in front of the camera instead of behind it, I like having my pic taken.
This journey is not easy. In fact a lot of days it is a real ***** But it is so worth it, at least I am in the game playing instead of sitting on the sidelines. The final score really does not matter to me,
When it comes down to it, I could be at goal if I were making different choices. I need to go to the gym, and I need to get a handle on the relationship I have with food. I am doing both of these things but I realize you cannot put an end date on them.
I was considering what I should do for my surgiversary. I did not celebrate it last year, I listened to Jason and he said everyday should be a celebration. I agreed with that in theory but This year I am gonna do something different. I am going to celebrate. I thought about what I could do, buy myself something, get a tattoo, etc. But what I decided to give myself is a gift Bigger than that. I decided to allow myself to be truly happy tomorrow, to not feel guilt about what i should be doing re: my weight. To not feel worried about the end or my goal, to take a break from the frown line I have developed because I am constantly trying to " figure this whole thing out". Nope I am gonna be happy and content for one day, and maybe even two.
I am going to celebrate myself and my hard work and sacrifice and give myself credit. The sabotaging voices, and inner critic are on Holiday tomorrow.
Do you know how much my life has changed???? There are days I forget! Remembering is important, and I vow to always use this day to remember. I was 360 lbs. I was on a CPAP machine each night. I was taking metformin, spironolactone, orthocyclen, lexapro,buspar, zocor, and advair,and rescue inhaler. My stomach was always so upset because of all ofthe medications I was on. In fact my stomach was always upset. I could rarely socialize, take a vacation or eat out without worrying about needing a bathroom urgently because of my raving IBS. I was a prisoner in my own body, My whole body ached, I could not breathe, I could not walk to the mail box without stopping,. I sweated awfully and it would embarrass me. I had take breaks between house work chores, and I wore slip on shoes all year round if I could so I did not have to lace my shoes. I could not cross my legs, i needed a seat belt extender, I panicked when we had to sit at a booth because I never fit in them. I was quiet and withdrawn, and tried to stay out of the spot light so no one would hurt me. I married 2 men who were BAD for me because I did not think i deserved better. I could not even wear the highest size at Lane Bryant and had to special order clothes. I was depressed and anxious. I could barely wipe my own ass!!! I could go on and on. I was a shell, I was so sick. I was so sad.
Things I have been able to do since my surgery.
cross my legs
wrap a towel around me
wear a reg sized hospital gown.
sit in a plane seat with no extenders
sit cross legged in my office chair
play with my cats on the floor
ride amusement park rides
walk all over Manhattan without problems
fit in the Broadway musical seats
go to a musical by myself
go on a cruise
swim with dolphins
sing karaoke
flirt
change jobs
sit on Jason's lap
get into some really freaky positions LOL if you know what I mean
wear a size L A LARGE PEOPLE!
eat a lean cuisine and be full
change jobs
stand up for myself
set limits with people
hike up a trail at grandfather mountain
cross the swinging bridge on grandfather mountain
go shopping with my sisters and actually get to shop not look
kayaking
jogging
make new friends
learn to cook new foods and enjoy them
developed a love affair with bananas
give back to new post ops
found many new friends and a wonderful surgeon who saved me.
walk into a Sheetz and have no one look me up or down, I fit I am average. No fat lady freak show going on over here anymore for people to stare at.
the list can go on and on.
The biggest and most dramatic change is that I am now in front of the camera instead of behind it, I like having my pic taken.
This journey is not easy. In fact a lot of days it is a real ***** But it is so worth it, at least I am in the game playing instead of sitting on the sidelines. The final score really does not matter to me,
Good Morning Nicole,
You have come soooo far and your transformation is stunning.
Your growth has taken major leaps still with room for more.
You will get to where you want to be. That is the challenge for us all.
And I love that we will all be there cheering you on all the way.
You Nicole are one of "THE WONDERFUL".
Dennis
You have come soooo far and your transformation is stunning.
Your growth has taken major leaps still with room for more.
You will get to where you want to be. That is the challenge for us all.
And I love that we will all be there cheering you on all the way.
You Nicole are one of "THE WONDERFUL".
Dennis
Nicole - what a wonderful post! Congrats on the 2 years of successing! You are just ahead of me and I see so many similarties (including Dr Brader's Goal weight for us!) I was 327 the day of surgery and yesterday morning (21 months out) I was down to 195 pounds!
Keep up the fantastic work and I am looking forward to seeing you and Jason tomorrow!
Liz
Keep up the fantastic work and I am looking forward to seeing you and Jason tomorrow!
Liz
I think your two year surgiversary gift is the single most important gift anyone can recieve or give to themselves. You deserve every single iota and moment of happiness.
Congratulations - that was a super impressive post and brought tears to my eyes.
Celebrate the day (or weekend or whatever you want) away!
Pam
Congratulations - that was a super impressive post and brought tears to my eyes.
Celebrate the day (or weekend or whatever you want) away!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
I don't think I'll ever tire of reading people's surgiversary musings - they are inspring, emotional, heartfelt and let those of us on our journey to our first big surgiversary what we have to look forward to if we use our tool and remember to focus on ourselves for a change.
Your post was beautiful and I'm happy that you're celebrating this year and the way you've chosen to do it. How much did we beat ourselves up when we were fat because we couldn't do so many of the things you mentioned, so yes, you should celebrate all of the new and wonderful things you can do and the fact that you're off meds and feeling wonderful,
I hope you have a wonderful weekend - and when you do start getting those worry lines again remember to stop and celebrate how far you've come on this amazing journey.
Kathy
Your post was beautiful and I'm happy that you're celebrating this year and the way you've chosen to do it. How much did we beat ourselves up when we were fat because we couldn't do so many of the things you mentioned, so yes, you should celebrate all of the new and wonderful things you can do and the fact that you're off meds and feeling wonderful,
I hope you have a wonderful weekend - and when you do start getting those worry lines again remember to stop and celebrate how far you've come on this amazing journey.
Kathy
'One shoe can change your life'...Cinderella
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