OT - How do you handle this?
Obviously moving is stressful. Brian does not deal well with stress. He tends to get angry and upset and over blows almost anything that we talk about.
Needless to say - now that the lease is signed - that's the emotional area we are entering.
Before we decided on this place (which is not in the exact location we were looking for but was almost everything we were looking for except a garage) I knew he was nervous about the whole thing - as was I. I even took it a step further and before we went up to sign the lease asked him if he was sure, and if he wasn't we could back out right then and there and due to his parents health even offered to rescind my resignation from my current job AND rescind my acceptance to LVH. At that time he told me absolutely not, this was the best thing for us, and we have talked about it for 5 years and we need to do it now.
Today - it's a different story. Now it's a bad idea, it's all MY doing, he wanted nothing to do with any of this....his "baby" doesn't have a home (his car which is a whole long involved story), his parents health.....blah blah blah....to much to do to little time....I'm forcing this along.....etc etc
Part of me is trying to talk him through this. Most of me knows most of what he is saying is not true and is emotions running wild. Not to say some of what he says doesn't hurt me - cause it does.
Any ideas on how to elay (sp?) fears and to make him see this IS ok and will work out for the best?
Pam
Needless to say - now that the lease is signed - that's the emotional area we are entering.
Before we decided on this place (which is not in the exact location we were looking for but was almost everything we were looking for except a garage) I knew he was nervous about the whole thing - as was I. I even took it a step further and before we went up to sign the lease asked him if he was sure, and if he wasn't we could back out right then and there and due to his parents health even offered to rescind my resignation from my current job AND rescind my acceptance to LVH. At that time he told me absolutely not, this was the best thing for us, and we have talked about it for 5 years and we need to do it now.
Today - it's a different story. Now it's a bad idea, it's all MY doing, he wanted nothing to do with any of this....his "baby" doesn't have a home (his car which is a whole long involved story), his parents health.....blah blah blah....to much to do to little time....I'm forcing this along.....etc etc
Part of me is trying to talk him through this. Most of me knows most of what he is saying is not true and is emotions running wild. Not to say some of what he says doesn't hurt me - cause it does.
Any ideas on how to elay (sp?) fears and to make him see this IS ok and will work out for the best?
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
sorry Pam, I'm not much help. Im a hard ass and would just ignore his behavior and tell him to follow through on the commitment he made and zip it.
Sounds to me like you said he's just scared and not handling his emotions appropriately.
He'll be fine once you're settled in.
and Pa ain't that far from Joisey.
Sounds to me like you said he's just scared and not handling his emotions appropriately.
He'll be fine once you're settled in.
and Pa ain't that far from Joisey.
Hi Pam,
Your feelings of being hurt, and probably a little annoyed with him, are totally understandable. But, I agree with Melanie. Get him to open up about his real feelings, like his fear of change and his concern about the transition, and to stop blaming you for this. Sounds like he needs to do a little growing up, and it also is probably time to cut those apron strings to his mommy. Just me being a hard-ass now.
Hugs,
Trish
Your feelings of being hurt, and probably a little annoyed with him, are totally understandable. But, I agree with Melanie. Get him to open up about his real feelings, like his fear of change and his concern about the transition, and to stop blaming you for this. Sounds like he needs to do a little growing up, and it also is probably time to cut those apron strings to his mommy. Just me being a hard-ass now.
Hugs,
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Pam you are not responsible for his feelings. He is projecting his fear on you. Is there any truth to what he has said? Did you force? Did you coerce, or ignore his concerns? If no, then these are his issues. He has to learn how to manage his emotions and feelings. You can try and not take it personal, and you can try and stay calm when he escalates, Allow him to name his fears rather, than blame or get angry. You need to work this through now, becaue I See a world or resentments if you dont.
Tell him to name his fears. Write them down if necessary. Does he have a better plan? If so talk about it? This is just anxiety and you know that. But he needs to learn to manage it without dumping it on you.
Hope this doesnt sound harsh
It didn't sound harsh at all - and actually basically what I was looking for - affirmation that he was "projecting his fears onto me" which is basically what I thought.
Getting Brian to talk is sometimes like getting a cat to take a bath in a tub full of water. Just won't happen.
However - oddly enough he has come around quickly (which is odd) He's still "angry" as he said. When asked about what or TO what he said "I don't know - I just feel angry inside" He did appologize to me....but doesn't see the "sensible portion of it".
As far as if I did anything - I will admit that I knew a garage was fairly important to him and although this place did not have one it was the place I fell in love with and wanted. That being said - his "baby" has been out of a garage for a year or so now ever since where it was being kept in our current house didn't provide adequate shelter and apparantly allowed rodents to come in and chew through the wires. My emotional side basically "sold" the place to myself cause if it wasn't in a garge now, why does it have to be when we move? I think that was a big portion of moving - knowing it COULD be in a garage. So in that matter, yes, some of the issues are brought on by me and coercing him into this that didn't have "everything" we wanted. I called it a compromise - he called it giving up.
Thanks Nicole. I did also play "hard ass" in a nice manner and tell him it is OK for him to be scared, over whelmed, stressed and everything in between but it is NOT ok to blame me, and that we BOTH signed the lease and he has to just roll with the punches now.
Love having psychotherapists on the boards!!
Pam
Getting Brian to talk is sometimes like getting a cat to take a bath in a tub full of water. Just won't happen.
However - oddly enough he has come around quickly (which is odd) He's still "angry" as he said. When asked about what or TO what he said "I don't know - I just feel angry inside" He did appologize to me....but doesn't see the "sensible portion of it".
As far as if I did anything - I will admit that I knew a garage was fairly important to him and although this place did not have one it was the place I fell in love with and wanted. That being said - his "baby" has been out of a garage for a year or so now ever since where it was being kept in our current house didn't provide adequate shelter and apparantly allowed rodents to come in and chew through the wires. My emotional side basically "sold" the place to myself cause if it wasn't in a garge now, why does it have to be when we move? I think that was a big portion of moving - knowing it COULD be in a garage. So in that matter, yes, some of the issues are brought on by me and coercing him into this that didn't have "everything" we wanted. I called it a compromise - he called it giving up.
Thanks Nicole. I did also play "hard ass" in a nice manner and tell him it is OK for him to be scared, over whelmed, stressed and everything in between but it is NOT ok to blame me, and that we BOTH signed the lease and he has to just roll with the punches now.
Love having psychotherapists on the boards!!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
Pam,
He can keep the car in my garage when I move into the other house. It won't be right there, but close enough....of course I have to get my ass moved first!! That's not happening before the spring at the earliest unless a great offer comes my way on my current house, but I will have the room for it and he is welcome to keep it there.
Do you think some of it has to do with resentment that you have a great new job (you went after your ideal job, got what you wanted and it all happened so fast for you) and he is still struggling with finding work? Being unemployeed is hard on anyone, but can be especially hard on a man and his pride and feelings of being able to "provide" for his family.
HG
He can keep the car in my garage when I move into the other house. It won't be right there, but close enough....of course I have to get my ass moved first!! That's not happening before the spring at the earliest unless a great offer comes my way on my current house, but I will have the room for it and he is welcome to keep it there.
Do you think some of it has to do with resentment that you have a great new job (you went after your ideal job, got what you wanted and it all happened so fast for you) and he is still struggling with finding work? Being unemployeed is hard on anyone, but can be especially hard on a man and his pride and feelings of being able to "provide" for his family.
HG
Pam,I have to agree with Mel B,You gave him the chance to not go thru with it all and he could change his mind,But No he didnt so ,now you suffer,and they say women cant made up there minds,YEA OK!
Try your best and calmest way to get him to see its just nerves getting the best of him,and as for the car tell him to get a car cover! hahahahaha!Hope you get thru this,it shall pass no worries!Hugs Trish
Try your best and calmest way to get him to see its just nerves getting the best of him,and as for the car tell him to get a car cover! hahahahaha!Hope you get thru this,it shall pass no worries!Hugs Trish
Hey Pam,
Sorry Brian is having "second thoughts", but I think what Nicole said is a very good prespective on the situation and yes, he has some real fears to deal with, it's never easy starting a whole new life in a whole new place, trust me, I did it all by myself at the age of 48. . . at least he has you and a whole bunch of new friends, courtesy of the journey you've both been on (he's been on it right along with you), add into the mix his fears about his parents, etc., as I said, Nicole had a good take on it, as well as ideas on how to go about working through it, but basically, you just need to let him know that you are both starting over, that it's only a couple of hours drive from his parents and as for his car, perhaps you can find a garage to rent nearby where he can happily put his "baby" in and feel comfortable with that.
Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out, you're a pretty sensible gal and while your feelings can't help but be hurt, you know that this is "his" stuff. . .
Hugs, Laureen
Sorry Brian is having "second thoughts", but I think what Nicole said is a very good prespective on the situation and yes, he has some real fears to deal with, it's never easy starting a whole new life in a whole new place, trust me, I did it all by myself at the age of 48. . . at least he has you and a whole bunch of new friends, courtesy of the journey you've both been on (he's been on it right along with you), add into the mix his fears about his parents, etc., as I said, Nicole had a good take on it, as well as ideas on how to go about working through it, but basically, you just need to let him know that you are both starting over, that it's only a couple of hours drive from his parents and as for his car, perhaps you can find a garage to rent nearby where he can happily put his "baby" in and feel comfortable with that.
Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out, you're a pretty sensible gal and while your feelings can't help but be hurt, you know that this is "his" stuff. . .
Hugs, Laureen
My Mantra is that I do not determine my success by the number hanging in my closet, nor will I let the scale determine that success either. . . It is through trial and error I will continue to grow and succeed. . . Laureen
"Success is a journey, not a destination." Ben Sweetland
Ok, asking most men to open up about thier real feelings isn't going to get you anywhere. I have learned that they will talk about it when they feel like it, not when you ask them to. So I don't think that's a good way to deal with him. It may make him more upset.
Honestly, I'd let him rant, rave, complain, whatever. Without much reaction back. I think sometimes people need to get thier fears, worries and concerns out without someone trying to answer every word you say. Understand?
It may just be his way of venting stresses. You have mentioned alot of stress going on in your life so it's bound to affect you and him, just in different ways.
Try to be understanding, supportive, and listen. I wouldn't argue with things when you are sure it's just emotion taking over anyways. It's not worth it. He will be fine, and so will you!
Honestly, I'd let him rant, rave, complain, whatever. Without much reaction back. I think sometimes people need to get thier fears, worries and concerns out without someone trying to answer every word you say. Understand?
It may just be his way of venting stresses. You have mentioned alot of stress going on in your life so it's bound to affect you and him, just in different ways.
Try to be understanding, supportive, and listen. I wouldn't argue with things when you are sure it's just emotion taking over anyways. It's not worth it. He will be fine, and so will you!
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila & salt and give me a call!
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