relationship question-post op
Ok, here goes...
My wife and I have been fighting A LOT lately. Everything is a fight, and I feel like I can do no right. We haven't been intimate in weeks, and I know we have issues. We have two small kids, money issues (and Congress doesn't want to bail me out) on top of weight loss issues...
I guess the question is did the surgery alter your sex drive. It's ramped mine up....Certain areas are bigger now, and I would like to test out the new ground. But from reading here, it appears that there are sexual issues with you women.
I don't mean to come off as if sex is the only thing in my marriage, because it's not. But it's something that I need, and I am not getting.
We are only in our low 30's, so we should be doing it like rabbits! right?
My wife and I have been fighting A LOT lately. Everything is a fight, and I feel like I can do no right. We haven't been intimate in weeks, and I know we have issues. We have two small kids, money issues (and Congress doesn't want to bail me out) on top of weight loss issues...
I guess the question is did the surgery alter your sex drive. It's ramped mine up....Certain areas are bigger now, and I would like to test out the new ground. But from reading here, it appears that there are sexual issues with you women.
I don't mean to come off as if sex is the only thing in my marriage, because it's not. But it's something that I need, and I am not getting.
We are only in our low 30's, so we should be doing it like rabbits! right?
Stecve-
From my experience the first few months out of surgery my drive was low because I was so concerned about not rattling my insides with too much extra currricular activity....however, that waned and as the weight started to come off hubby got friskier and I was able to respond more pleasantly.
However, all couples have struggles and fights--I do understand about that and that is def a contributor to low sex drives in couples. So I would take it easy and relax and really sit down and talk it out until you find a resolution.
Sometimes you find out it is not always us women who have the problem...maybe you need to see the situation from her side too. I hope all works out and you find the balance you need.
Good luck!
Laura
From my experience the first few months out of surgery my drive was low because I was so concerned about not rattling my insides with too much extra currricular activity....however, that waned and as the weight started to come off hubby got friskier and I was able to respond more pleasantly.
However, all couples have struggles and fights--I do understand about that and that is def a contributor to low sex drives in couples. So I would take it easy and relax and really sit down and talk it out until you find a resolution.
Sometimes you find out it is not always us women who have the problem...maybe you need to see the situation from her side too. I hope all works out and you find the balance you need.
Good luck!
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
Hi there,
I am not in a relationship, but do remember when I was younger, married, and had small kids in the house. With or without surgery, life can be extremely stressful, and a woman responds to stress much differently than a man, and it definitely impacts the sex drive for the woman at times. Marital stress, or conflicts, just compound that.
My suggestion is to get her away from the house to talk, and just spend time together being a couple, if you can get a babysitter. Even if it is just a walk in a park on a nice day, or a cup of coffee somewhere. Dating again can help rejuvenate your relationship, and lead back to intimacy.
Good luck.
Trish
I am not in a relationship, but do remember when I was younger, married, and had small kids in the house. With or without surgery, life can be extremely stressful, and a woman responds to stress much differently than a man, and it definitely impacts the sex drive for the woman at times. Marital stress, or conflicts, just compound that.
My suggestion is to get her away from the house to talk, and just spend time together being a couple, if you can get a babysitter. Even if it is just a walk in a park on a nice day, or a cup of coffee somewhere. Dating again can help rejuvenate your relationship, and lead back to intimacy.
Good luck.
Trish
Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
Albert Schweitzer
Okay, this may sound weird coming from the nun but . . . . both of you had the surgery and BOTH of you, whether you realize it or not, have varying degrees of HORMONES being released back into your bodies with no schedule or regularity. This can lead to mood swings, urges, horns, and so on. In obese persons when hormones are released, they can and are often stored in the fat of the body. As a WLS patient, as you are losing weight and losing the fat your body held, these hormones are now being re-released into your system. I was just about 'done' with periods for the year prior to my surgery. I am now like clockwork regrettably. My hormonal changes ran the gamut during the year and the result now is I am back to peri-menopause (the pre-stuff before it really kicks in) which means I have to go through the HELL of hot flashes and all all over again!
Hang in there Steve. Try talking to your wife. I know guys don't like this, but you both need to talk about how you are feeling and why with each other! Posting on here may help your understanding on a clinical level, but conversation with your wife should help on the emotional level.
Good luck!
Jan
Hang in there Steve. Try talking to your wife. I know guys don't like this, but you both need to talk about how you are feeling and why with each other! Posting on here may help your understanding on a clinical level, but conversation with your wife should help on the emotional level.
Good luck!
Jan
-
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
--Mahatma Ghandi
Celebrate Life, L'Chaim, Peace, Shalom
This might be TMI for some but here it goes....
I have ALWAYS had a higher sex drive than Brian. When we first got together it was the normal "new relationship sex all the time" type thing...and that died off. We have been together coming on 8 years now - married for 3 - but we didn't wait for marriage.
After surgery I definately have an even higher drive. In fact - I wanted to experiment early out (like 1 1/2 weeks early out) and he was very afraid and wouldn't come near me. At my two week appointment (with him in the room) Dr. P asked if I had any questions and I said "Yes - when can I have sex again?" Well I never saw him more red than that moment right then and there. He asked me after Dr. P left "how could you ask her something like that?" My response was - you had ligitimate concerns and her being the doctor - she's the only one who could answer them (her response, by the way...was that she had told me one week after surgery to start exercising and as long as I had no pain she said "If exercise is fine - sex is fine too! Just stop if you have pain" (no pain...)
Hubby and I are going through very similar rough times although without the kids, which plays a huge part. We are getting ready to make a huge move for us, have not decided on a place to live, his parents have health issues, and I don't even want to get into the financial aspect of it all, because that is just pittiful in our case. That being said - it's been weeks for us. I have offered and have been declined multiple times. I have stopped offering. He's to stressed and to tense...and I know me asking is making it worse because then he feels guilty.
Do you guys need to talk and perhaps get some counseling? Absolutely. Do Brian and I need to talk and perhaps get some counseling? Without a doubt. I don't think we'll take the counseling route at this time as he has FINALLY started talking to me....yesterday while we were house hunting.
The hormone issue for both of you is huge right now. Hang in there.
Pam
I have ALWAYS had a higher sex drive than Brian. When we first got together it was the normal "new relationship sex all the time" type thing...and that died off. We have been together coming on 8 years now - married for 3 - but we didn't wait for marriage.
After surgery I definately have an even higher drive. In fact - I wanted to experiment early out (like 1 1/2 weeks early out) and he was very afraid and wouldn't come near me. At my two week appointment (with him in the room) Dr. P asked if I had any questions and I said "Yes - when can I have sex again?" Well I never saw him more red than that moment right then and there. He asked me after Dr. P left "how could you ask her something like that?" My response was - you had ligitimate concerns and her being the doctor - she's the only one who could answer them (her response, by the way...was that she had told me one week after surgery to start exercising and as long as I had no pain she said "If exercise is fine - sex is fine too! Just stop if you have pain" (no pain...)
Hubby and I are going through very similar rough times although without the kids, which plays a huge part. We are getting ready to make a huge move for us, have not decided on a place to live, his parents have health issues, and I don't even want to get into the financial aspect of it all, because that is just pittiful in our case. That being said - it's been weeks for us. I have offered and have been declined multiple times. I have stopped offering. He's to stressed and to tense...and I know me asking is making it worse because then he feels guilty.
Do you guys need to talk and perhaps get some counseling? Absolutely. Do Brian and I need to talk and perhaps get some counseling? Without a doubt. I don't think we'll take the counseling route at this time as he has FINALLY started talking to me....yesterday while we were house hunting.
The hormone issue for both of you is huge right now. Hang in there.
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses. 
Maybe set aside some time "just for the two of you " See if someone will watch the kids for a couple of hours. I know that after spending all day with the kids (when I was younger) the last thing I wanted was "a little bit"....Maybe help straightening up , doing dishes ?
Maybe it's insecurity , lets face it, guys lose so much faster than women , no matter what we do . I am still embarassed about my body. And no matter how much weight I lose it isn't going to change. Pick some flowers for her, give her a back rub , go for a walk....Tell her you love her....The only time I would get a hug or some attention is when he wanted a little ..
Which didn't help the situation any. Now that we are older (and hopefully wiser) it is getting better...a hug at the kitchen sink, a wink 
it's the little things ( to me anyway)
Good Luck
Maybe it's insecurity , lets face it, guys lose so much faster than women , no matter what we do . I am still embarassed about my body. And no matter how much weight I lose it isn't going to change. Pick some flowers for her, give her a back rub , go for a walk....Tell her you love her....The only time I would get a hug or some attention is when he wanted a little ..
Which didn't help the situation any. Now that we are older (and hopefully wiser) it is getting better...a hug at the kitchen sink, a wink it's the little things ( to me anyway)Good Luck
Sandy
Remember....... Click to Give .....Hunger, Breast Cancer, literacy, rain f orest, animal rescue and CHILD HEALTH
Very well said Sandy - and I find myself even early in our years wanting those "little things"
The chorus line of a song I love is "Buy me a rose on the way home from work, open the door for me what could it hurt? Tell me you love me by the look in your eyes....these are the little things I need for the rest of my life"
And I tell him that all the time...when it comes down to it - it's about the little things!
Pam
The chorus line of a song I love is "Buy me a rose on the way home from work, open the door for me what could it hurt? Tell me you love me by the look in your eyes....these are the little things I need for the rest of my life"
And I tell him that all the time...when it comes down to it - it's about the little things!
Pam
Instead of complaining that the rosebush has thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.
Amen! Pam!! It is the little things for sure!! I tell kelley that all the time. We have been together for 5 years with 4 of those long distance. That it is SOOOO important for me to have the little things. The little things make the biggest difference.
We are FINALLY moving in together in Feb when he graduates school. Im so excited about it but scared to death of what will happen now that we are finally together!! Our daughter Lola never had daddy living with us so it will def be a new thing!
As for SEX!!! What the heck is that!!!I finally realied intimacy is important but its not as important as respect trust and love for one another. But dont get my wrong when we are together it happens ALOT!!!!!
Good luck with the move and everything else!! I hope things get better for everyone!!
We are FINALLY moving in together in Feb when he graduates school. Im so excited about it but scared to death of what will happen now that we are finally together!! Our daughter Lola never had daddy living with us so it will def be a new thing!
As for SEX!!! What the heck is that!!!I finally realied intimacy is important but its not as important as respect trust and love for one another. But dont get my wrong when we are together it happens ALOT!!!!!
Good luck with the move and everything else!! I hope things get better for everyone!!
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