Feeling Weird about this WOW

Over this past weekend, the kids and I traveled to my home town in upstate NY to attend and participate in a wedding.  I had not had any contact with my immediate family for almost 2 years - so they are not aware of my surgery or weight loss.  Most of my close friends from the area are aware of the weight loss as I send out monthly photos.

On Thursday night, my younger brother and Stella had agreed to get together for a late dinner.  As he came up to the door - I yelled for him to come in.  He gave a "Hi, how ya doin?" then turned to the kids and started talking and hugging them.  The 5 of them talked for over 25 minutes (standing less than 3 feet from me) but never engaged me in the conversation.  Finally Stella asked what he thought of my weight loss.  At that point - he turned back to me and his eyes literally fell out of his head.  He was speechless then said that he had no idea that it was me.  He kept saying over and over of how different  / good I looked and that he truly didnt recognize me.

This type of compliment did not thrill me - it weirded me out.  How could my own family not know me?  This was the common theme of the entire weekend.  I saw friend after friend (even those who I have been sending pictures) and every time but one - they didnt recognize me.

By Sunday, I was tired of hearing "you should be so proud of what you have done", "you look fantastic", "I cant get over how much you have changed - you look really good".....  Maybe I should feel proud - but hell, I have 50 pounds to go and still don't feel I'm all that different. 

I have been so busy with work travel and really missing the PA support group .  Now more than ever I am wondering how you handle situations like this?  (BTW - I posted some new pics on my profile from the wedding).

Kim Z 

hi kim

sounds like some similar things i've experienced and  talked with my therapist about.

first off- congrats on your weight loss. i briefly looked at your pictures and you look wonderful!

i might speak for myself here, but wanted to say this:

i ve been seeing myself the same way since about month 4 or 5. granted, since month 4 or 5 i've lost another 60 or 70 lbs,...but i still see the same old me.  it's hard to process what other people are seeing on the outside when you feel the same on the inside.  and for a long time, i was fighting for that girl...and i still sometimes do; meaning "dont look at me" or "dont comment on my weight loss"...because i was  trying so hard for people to see that it was still plain old me.
it takes a while for some people to process everything....im almost a year and a half out and still talk to my therapist about the fact that i have no clue who this person is that i see in pictures (of myself)...because i dont feel like i look the way i do.

i may be rambling or confusing right now...but know that you arent alone. and that this all takes time...lots of time....and work- lots of work.

we almost have to retrain and recondition our brains....its that craziest thing i've ever experienced.

good luck to you!

Jen

Thanks Jen - yes I often think of your post about the man holding a door for you at Wa Wa at 6 in the morning.  Your reply was not confusing - I relate to it.   

Kim Z

Don't know if you read my post from this past June.  I went to a family birthday party at which I was not told by a single family member anything other than, "How low do you intend to go"?  These were family members that knew I had the surgery and hadn't seen me since a year or two prior to the actual surgery.  They didn't know that I had lost over 200# and not one of them said wow or anything.  Ater I left I was in shock that no one said a word good or bad.  After I spoke to a cousin on the phone who had not been there, he told me that he heard how terrific I look.  I was shocked that they told him and not me.  Then a few weeks later I went to another family birthday party and said to my one Aunt, I heard you were busy calling people about me.  She said, are you kidding, I even told the mailman.  I said, it would have been nice if you told me.  She said, you mean you don't know how great you look?  It was the stupidist wow moment I ever had.

The only way I can describe it (hope I dont offend anyone) is  - its like having Alsheimer's Disease - in reverse.  I know who they are - they dont know me.

Kim Z

People don't recognize me all the time....sadly enough I've gotten pretty used to it.  I don't think I have changed THAT much to not be reconized - but then again my head has some catching up to do - and when I look at old photos I realize how much I really have changed.

I am proud of what I have accomplished....less than a year out and I'm at goal and have been maintaining....I still don't like being called "skinny" or "soooo tiny" and whatever - because I still see the flaws and the hanging skin and all that jazz....

I haven't figured out a real good way to handle this except to laugh it off. 

Pam

Hi Kim - I was just at a wedding over the weekend with people I haven't seen in years either, and I got tons of compliments from everyone and it felt wonderful. On the other hand I kept htinking 'oh my god they must have thought I was a huge fat cow before' - and I was, but now that all these compliments are coming my way its making me realize just how horrible I had become and i'm so embarrassed about it - and like most of us out here I still don't see the big changes everyone else does. I know my clothes are many sizes smaller, I know I feel 150% better, i know I can do so much more, but when I look in the mirror I still see the same old me, but to be perfectly honestly with you I never saw me as fat as I truly was...strange how we can fool ourselves in those mirrors.

Please sit back and enjoy all of your hard work and efforts to lose so much weight, and accept the compliments as they come - that's what I'm trying to do - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Kathy

Thanks Kathy  - I appreciate your words of encouragement as you and I are basically on the same track.  It wasnt so much friends not reecognizing me that was bothersome - it was my baby brother not knowing who I was until the kids pointed out that I was standing right next to him (and after standing there for more than 25 minutes!!)

Like you, I never saw the 'heavy' me - nor do I now see the lighter version.  I am NOT skinny by any stretch - but a little smaller and certainly heathier.  Sometimes I look at my 'Holy Sh*t" picture and can somewhat see the change - but not the full effect.  I hope my head does catch up.

I am not proud of my accomplishment of loosing close to 150 pounds in 9 months - Im more fixated on embarrassed that I let 46 years go by being that heavy.  I cant let myself get wrapped up in compliments as I have 50 more to go - and then the dreaded plastics to remove the excess alien hanging off of me.  For me Im still me - just in a different body suite.

Thanks again - its great to know that others are feeling somewhat similar things.

Kim Z

Perfectly normal to feel weirded out

The eyes of others (even, or perhaps especially) family, see what we can not with our own eyes.

I could walk into a room of family and old freinds and be completely unrecognizable. You may very well be getting there yourself, but just not yet see it in the mirror.

The funniest thing my one friend told me was when we saw each other again for the first time (a few years post surgery) was that at first it sounded like some skinny guy stole my voice, but after spending a few minutes with me, he recognized me inside and out.

It's an adjustment, that's for sure. Keep up the great work!

Although I haven't had quite the same experience Kim, I can certainly understand feeling weird about this WOW moment...it sure does take a long time for our heads to catch up.  Rather than focusing on the past and how you let yourself get that heavy (as you mentioned in one of your replies), focus on the now.  You have come so far and have done so well, and you truly do have much to be proud of (even if you don't believe that!).  Congratulations Kim and keep up the excellent work!!!

Lisa :)