Feeding Failure

Every now and then, I find myself eating more than usual, and eating things that I know I shouldn't -- like a cookie or a bag of Fritos.  That's where I find myself today.  And so I've learned that this is part of my addiction, and I ask myself, "What are you feeding?"  And most times, I find an answer that has nothing to do with hunger.

Today I am feeding my sense of failure.  I sent in my final divorce paperwork today.  The divorce is my decision.  It's a long time coming.  It's the absolute right and best thing for me and my family.  I am happier than I have ever been, in a relationship with a caring, generous, honoring and respectful man.  And, yet, as I put those papers in the mail today, I started to eat, and I know it is because on some deep level, I believe I have failed at being a wife -- the one thing I had dreamed of being all my life.

In order to stop eating, I had to start talking.  This feels like a safe place to do that, so I'm putting it out there and hoping someone can relate, empathize, sympathize, kick my butt, whatever.  I just needed to get it out of my mouth and stomach, and into the air.

Thanks for letting me share

I am sure that you came to the right place for support.  I have never been in that situation, but I know from talking with my mom that she felt exactly the same way that you do. Even though she knew she was much better off without my dad, she still felt like she had failed and it took a long time for her to come to grips with all that. That being said I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. You realized what you were doing, and recognized and stopped those old familiar habits before they got out of hand, and you went to the place where you knew you would get the support you needed. It takes alot of learning, and self awareness, and self control and you did it!!! Yeah You.

Jill,

You can come here to talk anytime!  That's what these boards are about.

I'm glad your realized what you were feeding - and being able to be honest with yourself about why you were feeding that particular feeling.

I can't say I've been in your situation - but from the outside looking in - it doesn't appear that you "failed" as a wife - rather - the relationship was not what it was supposed to be.  There's a million cliche's I could throw at your right now....but that wouldn't do all that much I'm sure.

You have put your life, your safety, your health, and your emotions FIRST and that is what successing is about - a healthy balance and understanding of yourself, your relationship (both with people and food) and being "balanced"

Congrats on all you have done - and will continue to do.

Now - step away from the fritos - and get your butt outside for a walk or something....

Pam

Thank you for your response.  I did not continue to eat.  It's amazing.  Once the feelings are out in the open, the desire to stuff them (with food) seems to disappear.  I went to the Phillies game last night with my new man, my son and my daughter.  I cheered and booed.  I took time to notice and appreciate the fact that I could easily fit into the seat (with extra room), and could jump up and down as much as I wanted.  Getting out was very good advice. 

I remember the Jill of old.   She struggled with her decision back then and "stepped out"; for herself and her kids.   In no way IS (was) she a failure.  A couple fritos today aren't gonna kill you but let's not make that a habit, huh??   Congrats (and sympathies) on your loss....and {{{HUGS}}, hugs are important.    You've got new dreams...have at em girl!

Wow, that's a really powerful post and I applaud you for putting it all out there.  As previously said, there is no way that you are a failure.  You are a strong, independent woman who made a difficult decision to right something that was wrong.  From reading past posts I know you feel you made the right decision for you and your children.  You are now the happiest you have been in a very long time.  Would you call that failure???  I know I wouldn't!  Congrats on finding the strength to move on and much luck on your continued successing. 

Hope to see you soon.

Jill is not a loser, she is a major superstar who happens to like the occassional bag of Fritos.

Keep venting, you need to do that in order to grow. 


Jeanne

A major superstar, huh?  Boy, that made me smile.  Thank you.

My surgery is in 8 days so I am just beginning this journey.  However I have been in your situation and can totally relate, empathize and sympathize, but don't want to kick your butt.   What an amazing woman you must be, I look forward to getting to know you on these boards because if you were able to be conscious of eating from emotion AND ask yourself that tough question, then Dear God, you're WELL on your way to health.  Emotional, spiritual and physical. 

I understand that sense of failure but you didn't fail.  If it was what is best for everyone than you did the hardest thing, you let it go.  Please don't forget that sometimes what feels like failure can sometimes be part grief and sadness.  It is a loss, even if you feel it's for the best - it is STILL a loss.  Let yourself accept the sadness and grief, it's totally part of the whole process.  My divorce was due to some abuse but I still grieved {for a while I beat myself up over that! grieving that loss, was I crazy???} but we're human and it's a loss.

From your post you sound like an incredibly strong woman who is committed to health for yourself and all those you love.  You're amazing.  Celebrate that.

Keri

Thanks for understanding.  My marriage was to an abusive drug-addicted man for 22 years.  And yet I grieve.  Go figure.